Counting (Dead) Crows

Now as you know Gossip Aiya spends most of his time in the maligawatta tree wheel park. Lots of things happening in tree wheel park. Only yesterday I saw a crow come plying plying and perch on head of paraa balla (istray dog). Poor dog jumped ap and down and running running in circles but dam crow wouldn't let go. I had to take catapult prom back of tree wheel and scare the bugger off. Only problam I try to miss but by mistake I hit crow. Now crow dead. Other driwer Nil Batta (giwen nickname due to short istature and his light blue colour tree wheel) suggested I take dead crow home to giwe wipe a scare. Maybe I will put in spice cupboard next to maldiwe pish. He he he dam woman deserves it only. But I might first try to sell it to piuwe star establishment of pillawoos.

In addition to these warious happenings and of course vigorous scratching of bullocks, I also like to listen about the gossips that’s happening around the country and world (por example now swine plue is called "pandemic". Gossip Aiya does not know meaning of word, but since pan club not hauing a pan called demic gossip aiya not worried in the slightliest.)

Anyway, recently Gossip Aiya is hauing hearing some vary interestful things about our lowerly country. All the military peoples in the higher offices seem to hau gotten promotions. Por exmple all Captains hawe becoming Commanders (now Captain Jack from captain jack makeral tins is commander jack), Commanders becoming Generals and so porth. And his most wenerable onerable excellency president of sri lanka ( gossip aiya giues lot of respect to the powerful peoples because he doesn’t not want to end up in unmarked white van with his arms and legs broken and bollucks chopped off) has declared himself king of the masses and his opposition leader as nodaking. The most honourable venerable excellency leader has also decided to change the name of the country from sri lanka to rajapakistan. I lauped wery hard when i heard this, but apparently not a joke. By the way at this point one must say (i hau been learning the english prom cricket commentator Ranjit Pernando) that I hau no appiliatons to either ruling or opposition parties. In pact Isuru Malli and I are setting up our own party (not like arrack party or jungi party, but political party). Now wery secret, but soon I will tell all the whole world about this.

Now you might think Gossip aiya is a pool, but actually ewery morning while on bog I read some newspapers. Ok maybe only isport section. Still better than looking at sky and waiting for brick to fall. Anyway today I has also found this marriage proposals on the papers -

” An educated sober partner is sought for Sinhala Buddhist Durawe daughter, MSc & MBA qualified IT specialist, fair, slim, 36 yrs, 5 feet 4 inches. Assets include block of land, car, savings and other valuables. Caste immaterial"

Now ewen ip Gossip Aiya was not married to witch of a wipe, apter reading pirst tree words of adwertisemant I realised could not applicable to apply. Aparathey. However ip you are educated and sober and interested apter reading descriptions, Gossip Aiya would like to issue warning. Pirst of all throw away arrack botal to preserwe soberness. Also prom my experiance, chances of sri lankan lady, who eat buth packet for lunch euridays and going in sun to buy malu bunis, being fair and slim are about as great as the chances of Gossip Aiays wipe being hit on the head by the king coconut (palling prom tree, not thrown by me). Also Make sure block of land is bigger than average size block of chocolate and car is not old morris minor which is resting on 4 jack trees. Now I don't know wha last two words mean. I think it mean that ip you hau brokan limb in plaster op paris caste, you can still apply. (even if no reply, apply and apply). Good news por all poor buggers that hau been taken por a ride in unmarked white wans.

Dishum dishum
Gossip Aiya

Boss, one ice milo and a KANGAROO CURRY!

Yester day is the day of the match between Sri Lanka and Australia in the world Forty cricket world cup. Gossip aiya is very excited by this prospect that not even my annoying wipe could dampen my ishpirits. I have made well praparations for this game. I went to Ariyapala istores and brought bottle of white arrack and hau told my best prend, nondi david that I am coming to his house to watch cricket match. Nondi davids does not hau wipe.

As you all know Gossip Aiya wants srilanka to win. He not like austalia. This is because Australia sudhdha people is mean to me, saying all kinds of hurtpul things when they get into my tree wheel. One day aussi man came for hire to go to Lucky Plaza. Lucky por him gossip aiya knew shortcut to awoid ischool trappic in bambalapitiya, where pamiliar looking girls with lots of holes (Holy Pamilians) run across road like isuru malli is chasing them. Anyway, Gossip Aiya put a halew to this gantelman, and soththa aussi said 'godey fella' to me! (for those who do not know, godey= uncultured, like wipe.) I don’t know how he leanrt Sinhalese but I didn’t think it was nice. Another fellow started asking me personal questions. He gets into my tree wheel and ask me 'how are you doing mate?'. I told him I hau not mate in very long time, only mate with hand. I don't know why they are saying such uncalled por things, makes Gossip Aiya feel bad.

Austrlian people also very pat. They eat too many beef steaks and drink beer and are as big as waterbuffalo crossed with elephant on steroids. So when they get in my poor tree wheel, pront wheel going up in the sky. Keliya huta!

Then there is that other pool shane warne. Apo! That pello ofcourse worse than isuru malli. Going and chasing after anything that wears anything resembling a skirt. I feel ashamed to say that this man even came to put the moves and shakes on me because he thought my sarong was iskirt. You should hau seen his face when I lipted my sarong. Dam fool.

So after much waiting we watched tha match and ammataudu!!! what a game putha! Our fellows made kangaroo curry out of those buggers (served with a good dollop of parippu to boot). The looks on the paces of that pointing fellow was worth more than all the carrots of gold in muthukarruppan chettiyar! (gossip aiya doesn’t understand why gold is measured in carrots, maybe in sudhdha cuntrys carrot is standard weight measurement). now euribodies has put plag and jumping around like randy stray dogs outside mattakkuliya flats. Opcourse when our boise lose, euribodies cursing team like they are gurunnanseys.

Anyway, wery wery happy and putting party today also. The gossip around town is that ismelly kangaroos apter losing hawe been sent to lonely village of Leicester where there are no women or alcohol (or men) for them to get distracted by (that was problem por players like that monkey-looking bugger Andrew Symonds. As Gossip Aiya say, "symo cut wela"). Like our great coach said, maybe they should have a separate competions for the small teams like bangaldesh Scotland Netherlands and Australia to play and get practice.

Now hau to go and buy white arrack por tomorrow game before Ariyapala is closing shop and going.

Dishum Dishum
Gossip Aiyah!

Dear Gossip Aiya.

Dear gossip aiya,
As of lately, i've been having illicit feelings towards my best friend's boyfriend. The feelings are definitely not mutual. What should i do?
Yours,
Confused

Dear Conpused,

Pirst of all when writing of problems to me please try to write them in a simple way otherwise Gossip Aiya hawe trouble understanding the busstand of you problam. I had to spend a great deal of time figuring out meaning of this word "illicit". Dam too much using these big shot vocabularies.

However must get to point of the matter. with referance to your question, these randy thoughts are wery common among young peoples of today especially apter alcohol consumption (nothing like brandy to get a woman randy). euribody these days putting looks at other peoples lowers and getting dirty ideas. Chee chee. But when you get these feelings you need sexual healings, to cure you of these randy thoughts. And I hawe many solutions. I can arrange for some of my boise from Maligawatte to go and make your best friend 'vanish' into back of unmarked white tuk tuk and newer seen again. Then when this soththa boy is sitting there in the upsets you can nicely go and make him plain tea and cos mellum and pretend like your comforting him ( while you nicely get comfortable with him) after a few days he would have forgotten that he had a girlsfrand and you and slip into her place ( no pun intended). By the way ip you want 'relief' prom frustrations also you can wisit my boise, no problam they will sort out your problam.

Otherwisely you can buy the bugger a botal and go behind backside of your friend to get prisky with him (nothing like whisky to get a bugger prisky). but then before you must go to the gangarama temple and pray to the gods that the alcohol does not interefere with his blood flow. Otherwise pinish. It will help if you dress like a wedhdha woman from dambana while partaking in this seductive activity.

Also boys like girls who play with toys. So invest in a Lego set and take it to his place and play Lego with him. He will find this very arousing and your syptoms will be cured. (unless he is a soththa bugger who has very poor blood flow)

However gossip aiya would like to take this opportunity to inform you that u have the morals of an alley cat in heat, trying to hauing dirty dirty feelings about your best friends boy friend. Gossip aiya advices you to go and get a nice kolikuttu plantain (as shown in the above) in order to cure your illness, instead of putting line for other peoples boys. Cheeky!

Dishum dishum

Gossip Aiyah!

Wanted - hand(y) jobs

Now Gossip Aiya has been noticing lot of people hitting my blog euriday. Now all sorts of people are hitting - short, tall, dark, pair, ugly and uglier. But most importantly I hope some Colombo 7 buggers and bored wipes also looking and hitting (if all wipes are like my wipe they must be bored since they don't bother cleaning the dam house and sit around euriday looking at Mahagedara and Praveena on Singer telewision set).

Now as you may know, I hau wery annoying and gaseous poor jobless drunkard of a cousin, Isuru Malli. Dam fellow won't leawe poor Gossip Aiya alone, coming and stealing ambul thiyal from clay pot when I am not looking, then coming in the middle of night drunk as a junglefowl, botal of arrack in one hand, singing some dam Hindi tune and passing out in the naked in my pront lawn after getting saima cut wela. Bloody genital wart.

So, back to the point. Gossip Aiya is thinking, what better way to get good riddance of Isuru Malli than to find the little parasite a job, Maybe some Colombo 7 mahththaya will read this and giu Isuru Malli job, even if it is as flea remover of family dog. Then he will leave poor Gossip Aiya alone to pick his bellybutton in peace apter a hard day driwing tree wheel ( lot of debris filling in belly button space. Must put some plaster of paris and cover it up)

Now although Isuru Malli is a nuisance and a pain in my buttocks, he is not completely useless... In spite of gormless look on pace (see pictorial abowe), he has some good qualities. I thought i would write up list of his attributes for prospectiwe employers.

1)He is wery fast runner. This talent has been prowen many many times when Isuru Malli lets off a stinker of a part and I hawe to take my belt off sarong and chase him out of the house yelling "Ado thopi padayak ariya ne gas balla, inna ko mama thowa maranawa" ( kind sir have you let out some gas?) His running skills were also proven when he ran from the police when they came to catch him because he was peeping at the ladies while they made toilet. Chikey!

2)He is wery good tea-maker. When I go drinking with him at Rathnaseevali bar and come, next morning feeling like god dropped bullock cart on head and the bullock kicked me in the nut sack. But when I drink Isuru Malli's plain tea...ammata udu upset peeling in stomach wanishes like my wipe's ambul thiyal from clay pot. He says he put "special ingredient". Knowing Isuru Malli, probably better for me not to know what this is.

3)Ip you hau people of female type in oppice, you don't hau to worry about Isuru Malli getting inwolwed in oppice "fling" (Gossip Aiya guesses this means when two employees do dirty things in oppice including flinging jungis all ower place. chikey. Gossip aiya has never been to oppice cept to deliver lunch packet) I can say this with utmost confidence. Because contrary to what one sudhdha bugger said, try and try as he might this bugger will never fly. He has in the past had more appairs with the womans slippers and warious shoeses than the womans itselp. It seems he does not hau ismooth talking capabilities (unlike Gossip Aiya, who now wished he didn't as he wouldn't hawe landed his wild pig of a wipe who wants to do things to me with a broom stick. Devils woman)

So as you can see, Isuru Malli is wery employable. Please call anytime, or wisit kadala seller on galle pace for additional reperence. Only do not disturb during my apternoon nap!

In other news, now hawe patrol por tree wheel. No more pat man's buttocks in pace, thank God.

Dishum dishum
Gossip Aiya

Devi Pihitai!

Today morning as per usual I woke up to the sound of my wipes broken alarm like voice. After a quick run to the beach where I made toilet I was good to get in my tree wheel and go to work. But I get in side and worship the steering and try to istart. No istart. Try to istart again. No istart. Huka pochchi. No patrol. Then wipe comes out and start yelling about how I go drinking and don’t pump petrol. Those two things are not even related. Moda geniy. Now patrol shed very par from gossip aiyas house so I hau to catch bus. And I say this in every literal sense possible. As some of you may know srilankan bus drivers aren’t taught what the pedal between the accelerator and clutch does. As a result busses never stop. The signs on the front saying "devi pihitai" ( may god bless you) are not signs of good wishes but warnings to whoever gets on the bus. If by some stoke of idiocy you want to get on one of these machines of death you have to lift up your sarong until your buttocks are in the outside and run after bus and hang on to whatever part of the bus you can. If you catch on to conductors sarong, then pinished. Sarong and you both falling in drain.
So I go to the road side and wait for the bus. Bus is coming in the far and the ladies in sari next to me started lifting up the saree and running. Not to be outdone I also lipt up sarong and run and run and run and jump and catch something on bus. To see I have grabbed onto one ladies bosom region. Keliya huta! After being showered with filth and generous beating with her umbrella I managed to find a seat. So now I am sitting bus is going. bus is going I am sitting, and slowly slowly more people jump on the bus and it getting very crowded. Gossip aiya likes to go in crowded bussed. Then ladies in nice nice sarees come and stand close to gossip aiya and every times the bus slows down i can accidently touch on their navel areas and pretend like I didn’t mean it. Like good times and great malu banis. But today one gentlemans who was slightly over weights came and stood next to me. Now you will know that gossip aiya is a very polites man so when I say slightly over weight I mean that if he gained another ounce he could not go to kandy for fear that the high preist will keep him to carry the tooth relic in the yearly procession knows as perahera. So this slightly overweight gentlemans stands next to me I didn’t notice because I was pretending to look out the window and was looking down the blouse of the lady next to me. When I turn round ammataudu! This mans buttocks was in my pace. Now gossip aiya does not like buttocks in pace. Specially if they are attatched to fat person of a male kind. And euritimes the bus is slowing down this buttocks is coming and pressing my nose. Chikey! At one point I thought my nose broke. Finally when I got down at the petrol shed I felt very dirty. Dirty like a door mat to the brothel place. Almost took home diesel instead of petrol. If that happened then wipe would have been on my case again. Dam devils woman never shuts up. Anyway, so couldn’t go to work in the morning also. Peel like putting afternoon nap also now that I have had my lunch, but that woman might send the broom stick on an exploratory tour. Cant take the risk so I am going to the tree wheel park.
So boise and girls never take the bus. Giu gossip aiya a call I will come. ( no pun is intended)

Dishum Dishum

Gossip Aiyah!

Daily news, Too much news

Yes Gossip aiya recently got computer and very past slt broad bands and now is finally on the pacebook. But pacebook is really starting to annoy me. Every 2 minutes I get a notice saying someone has taken a quiz ' how many jockstraps do I have in my cupboard' or ' are my panties colourpul enough'. Gossip aiya doesn’t understand how a quiz, designed by an idiot who was too busy sitting at home and writing up quizzes to get into anyones panties, is going to tell you everything you ever wanted to know about life?

Too much unwanted inpormation coming Gossip Aiya's way these days. Recently I went to pavorite website, Cricinfo (well second pavorite after site showing lowerly kumaris playing with warious assorted pruits such as kolikuttu plantains). While putting look at news and pictorials on Cricinfo, Gossip Aiya was fortunate enough to read an article which revealed a bit too much. Now Shoaib Akthar is a world feared fast bowler (Pakistani wersion of Panadura express which ended Gossip Aiya's cricketing career). Although he a bit of a soththa bugger, spending most of his time banned for taking drugs like marriage-wana or being injured apter falling off bed in hurry to get to bog after dodgy biryani, when he plays, ammataudu the bugger plays! However his recent 'injury' made me fall off my chair laughing. PCB (Pakistani Cricketers' Buttocks) in a media release told red faced journalist that Akthar ' was unable for selection due to genital warts'. mala illauwa!! Now I am no medical expert or a health inspector like one of the readers but I assume an occational scrub around the mambalams region should prevent such hideous out breaks. Chikey! Having said that, cat has been sniffing around my mambalams more frequently these days. Must wash sarong, and ip cat still sniffing maybe wisit to doctor mahaththaya is in order.

And why every few months does someone have to go and do something naughty to an animal and get caught? Every so often youl hear how a man 'raped' a cow or tried to molest a goat and this is often front page news! But then again in some countries a cat being rescued from a tree is front page news (when i says cat i mean actualy cat and not dog cat). Not is srilanka though. 'Diwaiyina' always filled with fat ministers cutting cakes and opening bottle shops'.

Getting back on the tracks. We live in a diwerse world these days and people are coming out with all kinds of nasty pass times...quizzing, hauing pun time with warty ladies, even hauing pun time with animals!Doesn't mean poor simple bugger like Gossip Aiya must hear about it. So it would be nice if the media didn’t rub it in face (or anywhere else for that matter) when someone does unmentionable things with a tadpole or something. They are the ones who like that kind of thing. Not us. We care about it as much as we do about a colony of warts on Shoaib's mambalams.

So the lessons to be learnt from todays rant boys and girls is that always wash mambalams region vigorously with sunlight soap. Even if you don’t have mambalams. And don’t take quizzes. Ask Gossip Aiyah. Ill tell you evurithing u needs to know. ( don’t ask the wipe she only claims to know eurithing but her brains is size of spoon handle. Don’t tell her I said that)

Dishum Dishum

Gossip Aiyah!

Saima Cut wela.

Yesterday night vey bad for gossip aiyah. Actually even today morning is very bad. I am meeting with some of my prends yesterdays and going to the posh establishments known as Senkada bar. Where as self respecting young lads tend to do at a bar we order a devil meats and kadala and some of srilankas finest distilled coconut waters which tastes like petrol. And so the activity of drinking began. Wipe also calling auri pipteen minutes asking 'what time are you coming home you dam fool' dam annoying that womans is. So euritimes she is calling I am drinking some more. Now gossip aiya was drunk. But gossip aiya was mindful to keep his sarong on, unlike that buttock wart isuru malli, so nobodys sees mambalams.

Now gossip Aiya can not remember coming home last night but wipe is not talking to me this morning. Considering I hau very big over hang that is not nessasarily a bad thing. I looked outside tree wheel also there. 'budu ammoo' I breath huge sighs of relief. Then it happened. As I got to my feets I was paid a visit by one mr Kabral. So I run to toilet and put my head in hole. (we are not hauing cummote. All we hau is a hole in the ground, like shown in picture) Kabral came and came and came until I couldn’t stand straight. Huka pochchi! Now those with minds like my toilet might be wondering why this kabral bloke is doing unmentionable things to gossip Aiya. But mr Kabral is a fond name we have given for the vomits (derived from the latin term 'kabaraya' gossip aiya knows latin also) So I thought ah ok now Kabral gone I can liu happily ever after. But no. ten minutes later kabral coming again. Huka pochchi. So went again. Ten minutes later man visiting again. Dam joke only. After seven such visits to the lat room I am not sittin in front of my computer unable to move. Wipe is not making me any kos mellum even. Devils woman is laughing at my situations. Wait till she gets the periodicals will you. I will laugh till I cry.
Cat is also coming and sniffin my bollucks all day ( you will remember that gossip aiya now has a dog named cat) dam annoying dog. Now neighbours will know I hau not washed sarong in a week.

All my prens are calling and laughing at me. Chikey! Must never drink again. Gossip aiya hopes all of you will learn from my mistakes and stop drinking. Atleast on poya days.

Only one dishum today

Dishum

Gossip Aiyah!