On line to put line

Halew Pans!

So you must be ol asking "Where this bloody Gossip Aiya, long time no ispeaking". It is true. To tall the truth, last 6 month hau been wery dippicult time por me. Basically this what happan.

One night, it was wery hot night. Gossip Aiya isweating isweating and waiting. Moskitos olso euriwheres coming close singing in ear and going. Put Good Night coil, what bloody good night. Wipe olso isnoring beside me like nasally congested baboon. So I get up, put sarong and stand outside. Nothing happan outside. So come inside and put tv box. Nothing happan on tv box, only nashunal plag plying plying and some jockstrap singing namo namo matha. So what else to do but put hand party? So Gossip Aiya tipitoed back to bedroom, check to see wipe istill past asleep, then put computer on. Now wotching quite interesting things on internet (better not describe as i know some pans are istill wery ismolls, ip you want to know what Gossip Aiya talking about go to wotch brand new feature film at Roxy). Anyways these things on internet so interesting Gossip Aiya did not hear this aforementioned unsightly sounds prom bedroom suddenly istop. These things so interesting Gossip Aiya did not hear footsteps coming closer. Gossip Aiya only realise the ill fate that was about to befol him when wipe iscream "THAMUSAY MONAWADHA KARANNEY??!!" and other unmenshunable words. This was swiptly pollowed by kaney shot to end ol kaney shots. Poor Gossip Aiya was sent running prom house so fast no time ewen to tie sarong.

So since then wipe hau colled SLT and now we hau no broadband. Only band in house is rubber band. Wipe olso threaten "ip i hear you are going to internet capey and doing dirty dirty things i will cut your mambalams opp when you are isleeping" so Gossip Aiya wery iscared and hau been what you technologicals peoples colling "oppline". Now come online wery quickly to put line to dear pans (wipe hau gone to dhaney op sister's husband's motherinlaw's goat or something in Seenigama).

Anyways, lot op things happaning in Rajapakistan since I tolk last. Onerable and noble King hau done many onerable and noble things por our peoples (while Nodhakin doing not so onerable and noble things to swimming pool cleaning boy). Euriwhere looking, new buildings, bridges, roads and so many other things. Now galle road is so plat, ewen 30 year old tata lorries gliding as ismooth as babys buttocks. You can go prom colombo to bentota in same time that it takes to brush ones teeth. (op course Isuru Malli will not underistand that statmant as he does not know what this teeth brushing business is. his breath is so odorful that he can curdle milk by exhaling prom 10 meters away) We ewen recently hau inaugaral "South Asian Beach Games" in Hambantota. That is ip you coll a volleybol team prom Nepal, two sailors prom Bangladesh that had probably lost their way and 20 spectators an internashunal isporting ewent.

Now onerable king hau gone to Australia to rub noses with Queen and other buggers op this common wealth (hopefully not rubbing anything else). Maybe he should talk to Australian prime minister as we hau lot in common. Both countries hau good crickating team. Both countries hau convicts and unsawory characters running freely on the istreets. Both countries olso hau wery problematic nashunal carriers. (Por those who are not wery upto date with current appairs unlike Gossip Aiya, Kwantas airline hau been kept on ground by labor dispute, while one op our fleet was caught in Paris last week with engine about to fall off.)

Anyways Gossip Aiya is going por seshun with ol the usual suspects to celebrate day op freedom bepore wipe comes back. Hopepully she will come on new road so quickly she will be in Puttalam bepore she realise she hau missed Colombo. Can giu me time por one last hand party.

Dishum Dishum
Gossip Aiya

p.s. Grease yaka came to put part in Nondi Dawid's house last week. Nondi cought the bugger and shoved a broomstick up where sun not shining. Too bad that was the one place there was no grease.

Pinally bloggage!

Pans I am back and on the line!!The wery sorry por the wery long time period op inactiwity. I hau been working days and nights and ewen preshus apternoon napping time to save monies to buy plat iscreen to wotch cirickate world cup pinal. You will be wery glad to know that I hau today purchased said plat iscreen prom Abans showroom - it is so plat that ewen Murali couldn't turn a boll on it! By the way those Abans buggers are dam cussard buggers. When I walked in wearing batas and sarong some soththa pello coming and shooing me out like some cockaroach talling "here here inside only customers, ip you want to wotch tv then wotch prom outside like ol other peoples". How the bloody cheek. When he saw envelope I was holding pull op notes with king pace on opcourse he starting bowing bowing saying "sorry sir yes sir no sir tree bags pull sir" and ol that. Bugger got what he deserwed though. As the jockstrap was bending ower to lipt tv box to put in my tree wheel i walked right in pront op him and let rip one ungodly googly only straight into pace! tee hee hee

So anyway, on Saturday I am hauing ismoll party in newly baptised "platscreen room" (not to be conpused with "latreen room"). Ol prends are coming - Nondi Dawid, Nil Batta and other buggers prom tree wheel istand. I hau olso asked Isuru Malli to come oltho that bugger knows as much about cirickate as Soththapala in opposishun knows about winning elechuns. Thankpully wipe is going to her relashuns village so we can put party in peace without dam woman screeching at me like chimpanzee to turn down volume.

Now I know some peoples are worried about our boise going and playing dirty chapathi boise in their own dirty chapathi country. Ewen tho onerable noble king is making good use op our tax rupees to fly himselp and 30 op his crew to Mumbai to giu our boise moral support, we will indeed be outnumbered. Gossip Aiya tho thinks we should "take out the positiwes" prom the situashun (like hearing ol the time prom captain op team that got trashed in post-match interview). Our boise don't hau to be worried about the pollowing things with the chapathis hau to worry about ip they do not play well -

a) hauing bottles/istones/warious rubbish/aloo gobi/dirty underwear thrown at them prom pans in the istand
b) hauing their houses istoned/set on pire
c) hauing euri cirickate pundit and their dog talking dirty things about them por next four years
d) getting set upon in dressing room by a wery angry and drunk Navjot Singh Sidhu cursing them in ol sorts op ingenious and nonsenical ways (something like "ip ips and ands were pots and pans, i will drag you outside and shoot you in the street like the dogs you are")
e) losing millions op rupees in adwertisemants por sopt drinks, clotheswear, motorbikes, tampons and other things (prom what I hear our buggers are giwen 5000 rupees and a lunch packet to do a TV ad)
f) ip they get really thrashed, hauing to relocate to some remote willage in Mongolia and take fake names like Gengis Kan to escape prom murderous public

Therepore my in depth analysis suggests that chapathis will supper prom "home disadwantage".

So par I hau to say I am wery conpident in our boise abilities. Only worry is middle order. Can't blame the buggers olso becos they hau hardly had a chance to play. I think Dilshan and Upul should hau retired in England game to giu them chance to hit themselwes into porm against such a schoolboy bowling attack (as boycott says, ewen my achchi could bowl better than those goons). Anyway cannot be helped. Only thing Gossip Aiya suggests sending Silva and Sam the Man to "school op hard knocks" to practice polladi techniques bepore Saturday.

Anyway, here is wishing our boys ol the best (not prom LG and Abans but prom Gossip Aiya). Let's show those nose-picking never-washing street-defecating gulab jamuns what our lions are made op. Jayawewa!!

Dishum dishum (ara ara ara aroooo)
Gossip Aiya

Merry the Christmas!!

To ol my near and dear Pans

On this wery pestiwe and joyus day op ol days, Gossip Aiya would like to wish you ol "Merry Christmas" - or as one vocabularitically challenged radio stashun talling, "Merry Kissmas". I set alarm today at midnight to wake up wipe and wish Merry Christmas, but bloody woman gawe me a tight slap and sent me on my merry way only.

I would olso like to take this opportunity to thank ol pans in the Rajapakistan and in the many corners op the world por kind pollowing and paithfully reading ol this bollocks i am posting ewery so opten in warious stages op drunkenness. I hope you are lauping as much when reading as I laup when I see Isuru Malli getting chased by mad dogs down Nawam Mawatha.

Today plan is to hammer bothal op coconut wine (brought by Nondi Dawid and not by coconut mafia) and put a paduru party with ol tree wheel buggers prom Maharagama tree wheel istand. Then we is to go around colombo in tree wheels, go near rasthiyadu buggers on side op road and throw crackers at them and laup. Ewery year these soththa buggers throwing throwing as I am going on hire so this year we hau decided to giu them taste op their own medicine.

In conlushun, Gossip Aiya would like to end with sapety message to ol pans. By ol means drink. By ol means driwe. But please do not drink and driwe. Espeshally on these roads - ip you hit pothole, bothal will spill olllll ower sarong and pront seat and your wehical will ismell like Dematagoda Distillary plant until February!

Ok now going back to sit on paduru bepore that drunken monkey Nil Batta pinises ol the coconut wine.

Dishum Dishum (falalalala la la la la - hic!)
Gossip Aiya

Sun shining, wipe whining

Now por those following my postings on the book op pace, you will know that poor Gossip Aiya hau been marooned on roop por last few weeks with dam curse op a wipe as whole house hau got the plooded por the rains. raining cats and dogs and all sorts of wild animals only.

Anyway, suddenly one day rain istop! Now por two days I waited still on roop to see ip this was what they coll optical illushun. Then i realise not illushuning me at ol but acutally rain istop. So came down and istarted cleaning house. Ol pots and pans gone in ploods, but most upsetting thing por Gossip Aiya is whole licker collecshun gone as almeira has pollen. 3 botals op Mendis gone. 2 bothals Lion extra istrong gone. Ol that is ok but bothal op Green Label Nondi Dawid gawe me prom Dutipree gone!! Aiyoooooo. Like old saying goes, "water water euriwheres but not a drop to drink."

Anyway bloody hard work cleaning house. But whenewer I am taking break to bend over and wipe sweat with sarong, dam wipe coming and iscolding "Here wat is this! such a big oaf you are but when it comes to doing housework you are as useless as a mongoose in a bakery." then she kicking my backside and shouting por me to get back to work. Apter three solid hours op this torment I had enup. So now I am back on roop. Wipe is looking por me but she will not think I am here tee hee hee

In other news, it seems Great and Noble King hau gone to country op Great and Noble Queen to giu ispeech only to come back with tail between legs. (Gossip aiya not pully underistanding this saying, as where else does one expect one's tail to be ip not between legs)

Anyways, apparently ispeech was named apter Kings paworite comedy film, and was coll "how to lose prends and imprison people". Unportunately there was big hoo haa and ispeech was colled opp as there was fears of someone throwing shoe or sock or other warious pieces of apparel at King. Poor King was pollowed by a mob euriwheres shouting mean things. Even peoples protesting outside SriLankan airlines oppice holding obsene signs like "Nashunal Carrier, remove Nashunal Cariya prom this country". Amidst ol this King ended up being trapped in hotel - at least if it was nice place then no harm, but onerable King has tried to save tax dollars by staying in some third class rest house coll "The Dorchester". Sin only.

Anyways now can hear wipe isnoring. It sound like walrus with sore throat. Must take chance to islowly climb down and run to licker istore and replenish supplies op the coconut water. Wish me luck!

Dishum dishum
Gossip Aiya

IS no time like plood time

One fine day Vengaskar came, Another fine day gavaskar came, recently tendulkar came, but none of the bus*teds knew how to play the game. Today some clown called Sammy has come. The glorious cricketing nation of rajapakistan who hau recently beaten the kankaroo in its own jungular habitat so hard that they porgot how to jump, are coming back home to play some half witted lilliputs who smoke mari juana don’t wosh their hairs or backsides and call themselves west indians.( see even when a team other than india are coming to play cricket we call them Indians) For ol gossip aiya knows our buggers will go, captain with his new Jamaican accent and ol and will get hammered by these pool due to medical condishun known as overconfidenshi-itis. But that is ol depends on if they can get the gol cricket ground prom under the sea in time por the match to istart. In the very mean time oll the culumbo buggers getting very excited that black mans are here. Now gossip aiya is op very pair cumplextion but that dam fool isuru malli upcourse looks like he has pollen inside the bread bakery oven. So dark that even black man may in his funny language say “daaaaang homies youse is is blacks” anywhose some nice ladies come and wonting to putting pictures with this dam platypus-bottomside look alike man thinking he is prom said cirikate teams and even putting hiki hiki laughing while he was touching their backsides. Gossip aiya would like to say isuru malli is not available por comment putting as he has gone into public toilet house and not come back out. One can only assume he is “white woshing’ the walls.

In other news king is going to be re crowned for his second kingship. Fortunately recenent rain istopped or his holiness pirst tewrms would be king of rajapakistan second term king of rajapakispool. Like vennice but ismelly. But portunately rain istop and I hau been able to come down prom my roop. Not so portunately my buttocks now have like wavy wavy waves prom sitting on wavy wavy tin roop por too long. I wonder ip tomorrow morning the motions also will be waving.
Today short article cos not hau electricities. Gossip aiya very rarely putting serious but I must say please. Euen ip the woter has gone down and you don’t see the amudeys op poor buggers like me ploating many people have lost eurithing they owned. ip you can help please do otherwise in the coming days you will see me draiuing tree wheel in my birthday suit cos only saron has been woshed ( or I have given to wipe to cover her uglies)

Dishum Dishum

Gossip Aiyah!

By royal (dis)appointment

Now Gossip Aiya hau been reading with the much amusemant about these "common wealth games". It happening this time in soththa chapathi land abowe glorious nashun op Rajapakistan. Pirst op ol, Gossip Aiya not underistanding wat the bloody hell these games are anyway. It is like the poor in-bred disabled cousin op the Olympic games. Only suddha Queen-lauing countries can take part. Also ol countries that Queen came and took ower during what is coll "colonisashun" period (ip you want to know more about this colonisashun istories talk to colonial cusins they will tell you eurithing). So basically Queen hau told these countries like Rajapakistan "here now I know we came and took ower your land, made you ol work por us, stole all your crops, did dirty things with ol your local village womans and ol these things por many years. Sorry ah. How about we allow you eury few years to come and jump ower sticks and run in circles with us suddhas? Supertop, you poor brown buggers will enjoy no?"

Dam hooligan only this Queen. They colling this "common wealth games" also. What bloody common wealth. These poor pellows prom places like Kiribati and ol hau to sell their house only to buy air ticket while these other buggers prom the New Zealand and the Ostralia coming ismiling ismiling with pancy cameras and designer clothes. In iswimming contests olso these buggers hauing state op the art pull body suits while some joker prom Samoa in next lane wearing a leaf around mambalams only.

Anyways, point op todays article is not to shout about Queen. It is to tell that Queen is dam istupid. Out op alllllll the countries in this so coll common wealth areas, why did they choose Chapathi-land to host games? What in gods name was that old womans thinking? Wearing big hats and crowns ol these years must hau impaired her mental abilities. Imagine one day she sitting on big chair and thinking "now there is a big country pull op one billion dirty, sweaty, stinky homa buggers, that send out channa masala prom backside on the bloody streets only without going to lat room like civilised peoples. I say, why not get these nincompoops to organise global isporting event por thousands op athletes? Sha what an idea!" Now op course Queen realises what a bad mistake that was. Only worst mistake than that was when Sanga bowled that cabbage-headed joker Isuru Udana in that famouse over in twenty twenty pinal against Pakistan when Shahid Apridi gawe him such a spanking that his arse was red por two weeks.

Anyways, apparantly these Indian clowns hau spent more money on this event than the Beijing and London Olympics and ewen Pootboll World Cup. And por what? The houses por athletes are in a worse state than my wipe's uncle's abandoned shack in Ussapitiya. Ewen the rats and cockroaches peel disgusted to liu there. In one house the false ceiling had collapse suddenly. Apparently builder had said "no matter, it was false one no?" Dam pool. They hau built big bridge to stadium, that olso kaput. There olso some bugger has said "is ok, main thing is the istadium hau not collapse". That is true...hau not collapsed yet!

And with ol this tompoolery, games is istarting next week. Our pellows prom Rajapakistan olso taking part. Gossip Aiya thinking that Noble King should write latter to Queen. Latter should say like this - "Hallo Queen. This is King. I know there is biiig problams going on in New Delhi. Why don't ol you buggers come to Rajapakistan por games instead? We can hold games in Shalika isports ground and athletes can liu in Bambalapitiya flats. I can send Mihin Air plane to London olso to pick up you and your big-eared son ip you want to attend." Hopepully that will work.

But ip Queen not accepting, my adwice to our athletes is better to istay home. No point trawelling to such third world countries and hau a false ceiling poll on top of head. At least in Rajapakistan you can see white van coming prom top of road so you hau time to run.

Dishum dishum
Gossip Aiya

poot bool pever

Bodu ammo! So this is ol very busy time por Gossip Aiya. I am building roop in house. Some ismarty pants peoples might ask ‘here gossip aiya did you not hau roop ol this time?” Answer very simple. My roop hau gone on walk. Now gossip aiya poor man liu in simple house with roop made from tin. Tin mean not like araliya tin malu but tin sheet. When it is raining tin making din. Sounding like lead drummer op papara band getting excited and doing dirty things to drum with stick (drumstick not other stick). Dam curse only. When I am hauing hangower it is giuing such a headache I hau to go outside and sit in the dam rain only and wait. Only good thing about these unseemly noises emanating prom said roop is that cannot here wipe yelling at me, which is sound like cat being strangled with wire while doing unmentionable things to lady cat (soemtime called pussy cat but no need to be too much).

Anyway one day rain and wind wery the istrong. These times good por Gossip Aiya becos lot op business prom ol the dam pools that walk around without umberellas in monsoon season. Olso good por Gossip Aiya becos when nice ladies putting hire in rain, sometime back seat op tree wheel resembling "wet t-shirt contest" in the america they showing on websites which ask me ip i am over 18. The wery niiice. That day op course not so nice when Gossip Aiya came home to see roop gone. Wipe icolding and telling "see what happens when you try and be too ismart and put roop by yourself instead op colling baas! Such a cheap bugger I hau newer met in my lipe. Dam useless pello you cannot ewen tie your shoe laces how can you fix a roop? This time get a baas to come and fix"
So to be building this roop gossip aiya need lot money. Which not hau. But luckily this time of year Colombo nighty party lipe very busy. Ol these batta buggers hau come from par par away places ( not par par away like in movie “shak”, olthough some bugger do looking lot like that bugger only) with accents that sound like a buppalo trying to sing sunil saantha songs and clothes that look like what a paint baas have throw away. Some op these clowns euwen wearing sunny mirrors on their eyeses known as ‘shades’ even in the night time. Haio don’t know what to tell so I shut up my muoth and take them where ever they are wanting. Better drunk buggers going sapely in tree wheel than trying to put driwe and getting copped and hauing to donate towards the ‘policemans double distilled coconut arrack party fund’. So lot of hire day and night no time to put bog even let alone write blog.

On top op that poot bol is happening. I am not under ishtanding this game or why ol the pellows in columbo getting so excited. Rajapakistan not even playing in this world cup! Some soththa isport only with some homas with long hair running around. Then when someone coming close to put a hallo, they polling on ground like they hau been giwen knockout punch by john cena. Only explanashun is that other bugger had eaten some nice garlic curry with onion sambol and had put nice barp in pace. Anyway ol these pellows in Colombo jumping up and down supporting these jokers. Even isuru malli come to me and say he is supporting this team. He tried to say the name and ended up biting his tongue and displacing his jaw bone at the same time. He wrote it down on piece of paper and name was ‘corte d’ vor’ - luckily I did not try to pronounce or same thing would hau happun. Only thing I know about them are that they are a bunch of dark buggers running around in bright oraange uniform which making them look like the pettah boys ganssi club.

On top op ol this, king ispin bowler is retire prom the crickate this week. No doubt he has seen how the pighting cock suddenly going prom one Montero to twenty Montero in one month and tinks political much more better than putting tacktical time out in cirikate. Gossip Aiya hau olso heard that in great province of matara ruled by said pighting cock, two young people hau been arrest por putting kiss. This is very good. People should not be allow to kiss. Ispecially in the outdoors. Actually even in the indoors no need. It never ends well. Actually gossip aiya not knowing how it is ending to be honest. Kissing wipe will be like falling into a communal commode. Kissing somebody else will be worse as apter wipe finds out she will making sure I will not have the need for a commode ever again. The other day I heard her threaten neighbour apter he accusing wipe op stealing gotukola plant prom their garden, saying ‘puka mahanawa’ (literally translate meaning I will sew your arse) followed by many other creative words best not mentioned in public.

In other much more happy news wipe has got flue apter getting wet by sleeping without roop. This time I think it will depinitely kill her. I hau tied coin onto holy tree that her illness is not cured. But just to be 100% sure maybe I should put some rat poison into her luni miris. It will be good use op poison sitting in cupboard as we hau no rats anymore. One rat came to put a look one day, but choked on his own tail apter seeing ugly wipe and died. Apter that no rats. Luckily I hau no tail.

I would like to leave you with one very important thought.
Age is no barriya below the buriya, but if it is staying down like a barriya, find a couriya tell him to stop eating lawariya and bring you the remadiya. It is true and its blue, your lady will go woo hoo, but for a few hours, you wont be able to put chu.

Dishum dishum
Gossip Aiya