Tuesday, 28 July 2009

Kaudha bole Jim?

Now these days Gossip Aiya getting the pat. All the time istopping por eating at Pilawoos, Hijra, Raheemas and other posh establishmants whenever passing. Do not underistand why all good pood places in siri lanka hau kitchen and toilet right next to each other. vary opten dippicult to tell them aparts as both are equally clean (or in most cases equally dirty). But anyways the pood it is better than that rubbish my wipe makes por me. Recently even her kos mellum taking like puss mellum.

Anyway now problam is that these days I going to these places ol the time. Becoming the bad habit. Sometime ewen when on hire I hau to ishtop and eat. Some time hire getting angry, ewen though I offer to buy isso wadey por them. So as a result op eating and eating now getting pat. Big chinese rolls appearing on hips where earlier only ismall spring rolls. Now when I standing cannot ewen see toes because belly in way. (Other parts op body op course I hau not been able to see when standing por quite some time, don't misunderstand. That's why euriday putting hand party to make sure said organ is still there. Must note that said organ has always been Chinese roll and never ispiring roll.) Now you might ask, "Gossip Aiya you are anyway a pat bugger. Why are you getting worried about becoming patter when anyway belly is size of Dalada Maligawa?" Indeed there is benepits to becoming wery pat. Now stomak so big that there is no room por wipe and me both in bed. So she iscolding and iscolding but going to other room to sleep. Pirst time in 27 years I am isleeping in peace without that dam woman! Down side is when I putting walk people telling ‘ah there look gossip aiya is taking his pot for a walking’. Dam sons of cockroaches!

But there is bigger problam. Becos op extra weight, mileage op tree wheel getting less and less euriday. Even though rajapakistan king is try and try vary hard patrol prices still the high no...ewen gone up 10 rupees last week in spite op my ice cream oppering at Kataragama. Bloody joke only. Engine also sounding like man dying prom swine plue when climbing hills these days.

So yesterday I tell Nondi David about problam with newly pound patness. He telling to go to someone called "Jim" at Pitness Kingdom on ischool lane. He saying his brother Kondi David went to Jim when he became so pat that wipe would not do dirty things with him, and Jim made him thinner. ( whether thin or pat my wipe not wanting to do anythings with me. But that is not bad thing). Anywayside I am thought ‘ammataudu this must be some magic sudhdha like prom movie potta harry’. Niyamai! (the pantastic!)

So I go and go looking for Jim in place called pitness kingdom. (I thought maybe ill meet the king also there but he was not there. He must hau been on the temple tree house.)

So gossip aiya lipting sarong and going in. ammataudu I thought I had entered the mars (for all you godey buggers mars is planet like earth and moon, not chocolate). Peoples bending in all sorts of unholy ways like putting pooja, peoples sweating and the grunting and putting the snotty all over the places, while hauing backside pointing towards the moon. One dam pool was the panting panting and running on some alien machine but not going anywhere! Aniva defa this jim man was black colour magic man. Wery scary place. I thinking op leawing when some tall bugger with musskaals the size op Maskeliya ask me ‘mokadha yako’. Now I want to leawe but how to ignore such a big fellow, might get hammered. So i thout maybe can talk to Jim to see ip he is black magic pellow or good pellow like potta harry.

"Here appuhamy where is Jim? I hau come to see Jim."

"This is Jim sir."

"You are the Jim? Where is your magic istick? And where the white skin? You are as brown as Pilawoos toilet ploor (or kitchen ploor, not sure which). You are not Jim. Don’t be putting the talks from the backside."

"No I am not Jim. This is the Jim."

"What do you mean 'I am not Jim but this is Jim'. Are you trying to taking me on a wild mongoose chase on a full moon day you dam fool? Take me to see this Jim now without wasting my time you buffoon"

"Jim is here sir. Jim is not a person."

"Jim is not a person? Mona magullak dha? So what is he then, a chimpanzee? A tropical bird op some sort? Speak sense you bloody cow"

"Sir Jim is euriwhere in this place. Here is Jim. There also is Jim. That is also Jim. This whole room Jim Jim Jim euriwheres. Would you like to join Jim?"

Ammataudu...just as i thought, some black colour magic only. Devils place only this is. Jim is not a person, Jim is evil spirit, all these muscly Maskeliya men must be priests and all these peoples in funny tight rubber clothes bending and running in one place worshipping this Jim. And this bugger asking ip i am wanting to join Jim? Epa! I am thinking better get out op this place bepore the people in rubber cloths put rubber gloves and do an unporgettable magic class on me. So just like I coming in I am lipting sarong and running out. Ran and ran and ran from those scary looking muscly Jim-priests. Maybe that is how Kondi Dawid lost weight prom running away!

So word op adwice to all readers op all sizes. Better to look like preganant buppallo than go to Jim, no matter what any peoples say. Now I must go and put a word with that commode faced nondi david.

A wery scared and quiet dishum dishum

Gossip Aiya

Monday, 20 July 2009

Rectal Cardio Bronchitis

Pirst of ol gossip aiya thinks hes is going to die. Apart from being a threewheel driver gossip aiya is also a selp proclaimed hypochondriac man. Last time I had a loose motion I ran around convinced I had the buttonic plague. However my recent cause of griep is neither cholera or my wipe ( who we shall not go into details about, the cunning annoying babbling bi*&^%.......better stop). So I have caught my death of flu. Now this is all very embarrassing. How am I going to face people once I am dead. People will want to know how I dided and how shameful it is when people will say ‘oh he got a cold and died’. That is like saying I fought with a mosquito and lost. People will think I am a top class soththa bugger. So I have deviced cunning plan. I have asked doctor friend to give me some names of illness and thereby conclude that I now have rectal cardio bronchitis. Symptoms are high pever and a couph
During my period of illness and going to get medicinal medicines from the dottor I have noticed that sri Lankans have a severe hatred for anything that vaguely resembles a queue. Sri Lankans are more ‘funnel’ people rather than queue people. If you have ever stood in a queue at government or otherwise hospital you will know. euribodies push like it is a contest. Ip Olympics hauing pussing contest sri lanka will finally be able to win a golden medals. The other day I accidentally stepped on some old womans foot while waiting for dottor and that old prune thought I was ‘ making a pass’ at her. Chikey! Better to go and make passes at rotten jack fruit. Anyways she and her umbrella had their way with me for the best part of ten minutes. This did not do any good for my rectal cardio bronchitis.
Apter getting the medicinal medicines gossip aiya did not drive tree wheel. In addition to not being able to stand istraight I didn’t want to give half of Colombo rectal cardio bronchitis. This did not make wipe very happy. So I watch cricket(this also did not make wipe happy) and I have seen a very interesting poster at the games. It goes “mohammed you-soop’. Now if your going to insult someone and the best thing you can do is call them item of food, atleast consult village elders and learn how to put ispelling. Soop is ispelld S.O.U.P. Otherwise you sounding like village idiot infront of whole universe. Or call them something you can ispell like ‘bunis’ or ‘wattakka mellum’
Also I have been requested to write more spicy stories so here goes. Specially for you I got nondi david to bring to my bedside an extra spicy chicken and cheese kottu. It was so spicy that I think this morning I set fire to my lat room. It was like Hiroshima and Nagasaki had done dirty things and had a baby. My poor backside must have been singing song by sister knowns as jessika mauboy called 'burn' ( please be putting a googly search if you are unaware what the hell tinkle bell is going on) luckily I take fire bucket to the toilet at all times. (as shown in picture. Pictorial copyrights crazylanka.)
So ladies and gentlemans please refrain from getting bitten by mosquitos always use good night mosquito coils so that you will wake up with rectal cardio bronchitis like my good selp.

Dishum Dishum
Gossip Aiyah!

Wednesday, 8 July 2009

Road trippage!

Pirst op all Gossip Aiya hau to say wery big "ishorry" to all pans for silence these days.


Reason por this is I put trip the last week to some dam village without the Anna Dunna iSpeed Line (ADSL). I ask and they say only hauing the dial up. I told "Yako I don't want to dial up people i hau mobile por that, I need ADSL to put bloggage por pans" but they no understanding the bus stand, giuing me blank looks and waiting. Third class backward buggers only, not like us ingilis speaking Colombo peoples. When I came to village, all buggers putting looks lept right and centre at me like they newer seen tree wheel bepore in lipe, only bullock carts. (I later realise i hau biiiig tear in crotchal region op sarong. Maybe that why looking.) Anyway so I thout I would share experiances prom trippage. Wery boring trip but since euribody kurupying asking "Gossip Aiya why no bloggage" I thout better write bepore pans leawe to pollow Isuru Malli or some other soththapala.

Anyway i will start prom start op trip. Now that sad excuse for a woman I have married always on my case saying I am not taking her on pilgrim trip. She saying she wants to go and feed flowers to statues other than the ones at our local tample. Jobless woman only. Instead of feeding flowers to statue the dam woman should be feeding me, but no. Anyway to shut this devil woman up I thought I will take her to cater village ( knows as kataragama by the non ingilish ispeaking polk) so now pumping pull tank patrol to tree wheel and going. Going going going going. Istill going istill no cater village. Huka pochchi this place very par! Thankpully engine making loud noises so i could not hear wipe's yakking like yak.

Finally we are getting to town of tissamaharama. There be big tample vary nice. Under tample all the pellows wearing joka and bathing in drain like thing. Ammataudu. Gossip aiya also peeling hot and wanted to put a baths, but not wearing jokas. I ask wipe ip can bath without joka but she gawe kaney shot and shouted insults at me. But I use my isweet talking iskills and manage to convince one mudalali to giu me his apter he put bath so I can put bath. I wanted to at least dry joka a bit in sunshine bepore putting but wipe told no time. Chikey but what to do, better wet joka and bath than no joka and no bath. So wore mudalali's wet joka and put bath. (By the way Gossip aiya looking vary sasky in joka. Ol the peoples were putting a look. Wipe very jalus.) Apter bath put driwe and pinally got to tample of cater village.

Tample wery the nice tample. Gossip aiya notice euribodies taking basket op pruit and going inside temple. I ask shop man 'mokadha yako mey? (please explain kind sir?) I did not understand what he told properly but I understood that it was for some kind of seremony in the tample to make high up gods happy and ask them for favours in bad times (like when cow is dry, chickens are eggless, child is sick or mother-in-law is healthy.) So gossip aiya ask man 'mey, is the big man inside a pruitytarian? only swallowing pruits?" man look at me like I was trying to do dirty things to his cat so I leauve shop and go to other shop.

These days bad times por Gossip aiya, so thout i would also do seremony in tample to ask por high up gods to reduce patrol prices. But i hau very ishmart idea. so I think with my ishmart brain 'ahh no point taking pruits big man must be tired of pruits. Must take better thing. Ip high up gods happy with me i can ask for another pavour like ask for wipe to be eaten by leopard'. So I go to shop called 'kataragama hotel' and buy one roast chicken, one rice packet one gold leap cigarette and one ice kirim tubs. (don’t misunderishtand gold leap was por me not por anyone else). Ice kirim was por big man to eat with all the pruits. Pruits taste better with ice kirim. So i put seremony and ask por pavours. Now must wait and see what the happening with patrol prices.

With other pavour, I thout to make it easier por high up gods i would put detour past yala (where many leopards the liuing). I tell wipe 'now darling i am taking you to yala sapari park to see nice beautipul animals watering themselves in watering hole'. And so now going going to Yala.

So we arriwe in Yala but problam. they not letting me go inside park becos i am in tree wheel and not pour wheel. Huta pochchi. No driwing near leopard and turning tree wheel past so wipe palls out. Leopard will hau to come to Colombo and eat wipe only. I was also the looking porward to going and seeing buppalo sitting in mud puddle. But that one not big deal. Can just watch news and wait por them to show parliament pictures, all sorts of wild animals there.

So had to go back but getting dark and only place to stay is some seedy rest house. I hau to share single bed with wipe and because there are 2 other pamilies prom kataragama in the rooms, the place all smelling like pruit salad. Should hau istay in maligawatta. Atleast could hau put drank with nondi david.

Bepore I go must say the roads in the down souths parts of the country are the pantastic. Gossip aiya go to maximum ishpeed of 4 istroke tree wheel. Gossip aiya also saw so many pictures of the king that I think I will be seeing mustache and red iscarp in my isleep also. King king king euriwheres. And also here and there picture op state goat.

On that crab shell I will istop

Dishum Dishum
Gossip Aiyah