Monday, 29 June 2009
Today ewening Gossip Aiya was roaming around looking for hire and scratching bollocks (wery hot day and Gossip Aiya wery sweaty), when he saw old old man close to expiry date putting hand out signalling por me to istop. I istop. Thank God pinally hire. The man took about halp hour to get in tree wheel, coffing and weezing. I was wondering ip this dam prune of a man has swine plue. I ask him where he want to go, and he say he want to go to kanatta, hawe a puneral to attand and he was wery late. Gossip Aiya say "I say sir, wery bad porm to get late for your own puneral, people must be waiting por you!" I laup. He didn't laup. I also realise maybe I was a bit too ismart (ismart mouth, not ismart arse). Now peeling bad.
So now going going going and try to put on to cemetery roads. Mala keliyai! Trappic in pront istop. No can go. I put head out of tree wheel and politely ask army bugger with big gun 'mey mokaddha yako?( kind sir what seems to be the problem). He pointed gun at me and I put head back inside very quickly. Some very important panditheya (VIP) must be going this way. I try to rewerse back, but already other vehiculars behind. Huka pochchi. Now stuck waiting for Rajapakistan king, state goat or some other minister to go by along with all the other bulletproof vehicals our bustling economy can appord. No wonder buggers are scared of peoples killing them when they make half the country wait in cars por them to go and buy maniyoks.
So now stuck por almost porty-fiwe minutes in trappic jammage. To make matters worse, old man in back of tree wheel is now coffing and ispitting all ower back of trishaw like a man possassed. Cussard bugger not ewen bothering to spit outside onto road because op joke i made. Main thing is i hope he doesn't hawe swine plue, or Gossip Aiya seththa pochchi!
So while sitting and waiting por goons to go in tinted jeeps, i thout of some ideas to keep one occupied during trapic jam. As the peoples pavourite mode of transport I thinking 'ah I should tell euribodies about my discoveries'. here are a pew things you can do -
1) put head outside of tree wheel and istart singing 'surangani' or 'yaman bando wesak balanna'. hopefully other peoples will join, and can hawe nice singalong. If army bugger points gun put head back inside. Istop singing. Go to options 2.
2) go to wehicles and take bets on which particular VIP is going to buy maniyoks. then go to army bugger and ask to find out who. Ip army bugger does not know make up a name. you will become rich man.
3) This one requiring some praparashuns. Go to kollupitiya market where there is always parking attadant in green uniporm. tap on shoulder and point at the isky saying "look at the isky". While attandant is looking at isky steal the uniporm and run like isuru malli. When you get caught in trappic jam, put on uniporm and go prom wehicle to wehicle handing out parking tickets and asking por money. Ip somebody making fuss, wave to army bugger with big gun and point to the driwer. Ip driwer liking head on top op neck and not in lappage op pront seat passenger he will pay.
4) Ip you are tree wheel driwer do the pollowing - put head outside tree wheel while on mobile phone, and crane neck as ip looking at front op kew. then suddenly pretend to cut call and wery loudly start tree wheel engine dishum dishum and full cut wheel. Depinitely next door driwer will get excited and put engine, then car behind also put, and like that put put put put put until euribody behind put. then turn engine back opp and get back on phone like nothing happened. Euribodys conpused not knowing what is the happening, except you.
Ip all this pails park in the middle of road and go to bakery and buy two malu banis and 2 kimbula banis and whack while you wait for dam fools to go and buy maniyoks and come.
Monday, 22 June 2009
Some time ago on juicy juicy mambalam bloggage Gossip Aiya was putting talks about his politics party. Gossip Aiya is not big pan op Rajapakistan king, also not pan op Rajapakistan nodaking (ip you are not understanding the busstand please reper to earlier post entitled "Counting (Dead) Crows". Thank you come again.)
So I hau lot of pree time when putting rounds around Asiri looking por hire, or sitting in tree wheel park scratching bollocks and waiting. So in pree time Gossip Aiya thinking lot op things - por example how long wipe will liu, or why kulasekera in cirikat team.
One day Gossip Aiya putting thinking about uselessness op king and nodaking, and how I could to better job in temple treehouse. I hau lot op ideas to improwe country. I was telling Nil Batta about ideas and he also thout they were wery pantastical. “Machang,” he told, “pakshayak hadapiya, api chandey danawa anniva deffa!” (translation – Good man, put a party, we will put wotes anytime!). Other tree wheel driwers also agree while nodding head like drunk goat. But this is big comitmant, so like all big politicals peoples doing, i am going temple, mosque, church and pinally kowil asking por sign prom God whether i should put party. As I walk out op kowil, one crow came plying plying ower and put toilet droppings on head. Huta pochchi. Because I was in holy place I didn’t let filthy words escape from mouth. I look up at crow, thinking of whether to get catapult prom tree wheel and hammer when Ammatasiri! This no ordinary crow. This crow pull black, but one peather in tail pure white colour, as white as plags on top of Siripadha. I think, "This ispecial crow, not dead crow, but holy crow. So I thought "ammataudu! God himselp has sent crow to make signage on me."
But ewen God is iscared of wipe. So next I had to get wipe’s blassings. So I bought nice basket of lawariya (sri lanka isweet, cheaper than chocolate) prom woman sitting under tree, nicely ispray air preshner under arm holes, put extra pol thel in hair, put joka (which I borrow from nondi david) and go home. Putting nice ismile i go inside. Wipe is cooking kos mellum. I go and put hand on shoulder. Wipe got shock and turned around, and gawe patas slap across pace. This also I thought was a sign from God. Normal day she would have chopped something off.
“What is this dam nonsense!?” said wipe. Then she looking at me up and down. “Why you ismiling like jackass? Are you constipated? And what the hell is that dam smell” ( I hau told bepore no wipe very unculturedpul don’t know nice things)
“No, sudu” I reply (although wipe is anything but sudu, she is as black as burnt watalappam pudding). “I am just happy to come home to such beautipul wipe as you.” (I was hoping God was not watching, otherwise Gossip Aiya get one way ticket to the Hell place por telling such big lies) “See, I bought lawariya also to show my lau.”
Wipe took lawariya and look. Again gawe patas islap. “Gas balla!!! (gossip aiya will not translate as this is wery dirty prase.) You ispent so much money on this dam lavariya?? When I ask por money to fix leak in sink becos water going euriwhere in kitchen you say no money, when I ask money to buy onion you tell cook without onion, but you buy lavariya and come? Am I to paste this dam lavariya on sink leaks?? Do u hau brain in backside even?” Wipe think por a second. “Last time you brought me gipt you had lost your joka because of gambling, and time bepore that you drove tree wheel into wesak decoration. What idiotic thing did you do now you dam baboon??”
At this point, Gossip Aiya realise that wipe is in shuper dangerous mood. Maybe it is time op the month – thought op asking but maybe not good idea.
“No darling wipe, I hau bought gipt because today something the pantastic happen.”
Wipe looking wery suspishus. “What what is this you are talking? Kiyapiya (tell me quickly) I hawe things to do!”
Ammataudu most depinitely her time op month, but then again euriday like time of month. So I tell her ishtory about crow and God and Party. Stupid woman pirst thought I was going to hau dance party, not politics party, and gauve me another patas slap.
Pinally when she got it inside her cashewnut sized brain, she say “Moda mussilaya! (also unmentionably bad bad word) Hau you been out in sun too long?? Or has driwing ower potholes all these years turned your brain to jally pudding? You istupid pool, you think you can put politics party? You see a punny looking bird and think it God? Don’t know what ideas that halp-breed group of ismelly third-class Maligawatte nitwits hau put in the inside of your ismall head. Budu ammooo I don’t know why God curse me with such a good por nothing idiot por a husband! Go prom here bepore I hammer you with this cooking spoon! Get out! Where are you taking that lavariya, leave that and get out!”
Gossip aiya very upset, walking like lost balloon. Then bump into that dam fool isuru malli, but luckily he had botal so we go to nondi davids house and put drink and decide to put politics party without telling wipe. As usual iscared about wipe, but ip Gossip Aiya becomes king, he will hau power of army navy and air porces so maybe I will hau chance to go and get rid of that devils woman!
But por now I hau to go home and try not to get killed.
Thursday, 18 June 2009
There is old sri lankan proverb that the pish dies becos of his mouth. Gossip Aiya's pather used to constantly tell this to me when I used to be smart with him and he could not think of a good come back. The telling op this prowerb to me was usually accomponyed by patas shot across pace. Although these hammerations were dippicult to handle, now thanks to dear father i hau wery decent mouth, unlike potty mouth of wipe. Her father (dam third class drunkard) was too busy putting line to village women at the well to bother about daughter's behawior. Had i known true nature of the man earlier i newer would hau married into that cursed pamily...but that's another story.
So..."the pish dies becos op his mouth". Now por this saying to hau serwiwed so many years, there must be something true about it, but Gossip Aiya pails to understand where truth lies. Pish is not died because of mouth. The pish is dies because of pishing net and pisher man. When the net is put, mouth or no mouth pish is catch. After that gone. Straight into ambulthiyal.
But gossip aiya must agree to a certain extent with old man who thought of such proverb. People in general have very big mouths. And when I say big I don’t mean big as in big enough to be able to fit two cheese kottu one malu banis and two egg roti ol at the same time. Big mouth mean talking poppycock nonsense euriday. Like one treewheel driwer in park, who says he does dirty things in back of tree wheel with ewery hire that goes in his tree wheel (Gossip Aiya hopes por his sake he means ewery female hire). Anyway this is most depinitely a fabrication (that means lie, not something prom garment factory), especially since this particular bugger smells like horton place patrol shed and has pot belly the size of pregnant woman. This kind of big mouth that results in people thinking you’re a 'ismart arse' (another saying Gossip aiya does not understand. If your trying to be too smart you must be called ismart mouth, not ismart arse. If your backside can do the accounts for ariyapala stores while writing a screenplay por new Ranjan Ramanayake pilm then you should be called a smart arse.) Now one might ask why suddenly I am thinking about big mouth peoples. Something that happened to poor Gossip Aiya today only put all these thouts in head.
So gossip aiya is very religionful man. Euri poya day I go into garden, look at pull moon por hours and wait (good iscuse not to go inside house and hau to talk to wipe). Euri Sunday I drive tree wheel to church (mainly to catch a hire apter serwice pinis) and on Ramadan time I eat lot of buriyani (although all year I am eating lot of buriyani, not only Ramadan time). So today I go to temple with wipe because she wanted to feed flowers to a statue or something of the sort. Silly womans.
Now temple is peacepul place. This particular temple hau lot of temple trees (apparently Rajapakistan king liwes in treehouse there but Gossip Aiya hau not seen). Anyway in temple lots of peaceful things are supposed to happen and you should be able to hau peaceful thoughts.
But this fine day I sit down under temple tree, bathe in jasmine stick smoke to become peaceful (and drive off dam mosquitos) when I hear three womans talking very loudly. Now this is the too much. Peaceful place these womans are putting talks about how the next door man is reading the papers without shirt and how the mason baas next door winks at them while showering in his jokas. Chikey! What kakki thoughts to put into holy place. So gossip aiya got very angry I go upto them and go 'YAKO! KATA WAHAPIAU, wal geniy!' (directly translated this mean 'my good ladies please refrain from such talk in this holy and sacred place of worship. Thank you)
Then huka pochchi. These uncultured village women started hurling all kinds of abuse at me por eurione to hear. The abuse was so bad that the statue would hau choked on the flowers my wipe was trying to feed had it heard. I also got very iscared. Tried to run away but that dumb woman wipe of mine had heard the commotion and come running up, hitching up white sari and with look of death on pace. Whereever there is a pight you will find my wipe. I should name her Waliyalatha. So then she started shouting at them and they back at her and at same time wipe is shouting at me and other peoples in temple are shouting at them and me and then the priest started shouting at eurione until poor Gossip Aiya's ears were ringing opp the hook. So I came home and thought I should tell about my esperience. If you are thinking of going to temple with lot of trees don’t go now. My wipe is there with her big mouth. I wonder how long it will take for her to notice I am missing.
Monday, 15 June 2009
Goshipp aiiyaaa....ishmall problemsh here,
next door neighbor girl reports to the polishe that im a peeping tom!
polishe com to mii housh and beat me senselesh. mii lips are swollen, ii cant say Sh (s).
Wot to do aiiya, shall we kidnap her for the kinndi vade of going to the polishe?
Sa Fdo Fliibwoii
Halew. Pirst op all Gossip Aiya wery conpused by your good name. What is this Sa Fdo business? Sounds like Aprican tribal language name, like Pumbaa prom kingdom of lion (in case you also conpused watch Lion King and you will understand the bus stand). But then you are saying your name tom. Now ip you don’t even know your own name no wonder the police hammered you!
Second of all, Gossip Aiya must say no matter ip your name Pumbaa, Samba, Tomma or Kurumba you must not peep. Ip you must peep, Gossip Aiya has prowided two option (not Janashakthi which is Full Option). Pirst option, please call Gossip Aiya to take you on hire to Majestic City in night. On fourth floor of this said city is 3-star establishmant (even Gossip Aiya thinks its a bit dodgy) where for paltry fee of rupees 150 (plus tree wheel hire) one can peep and peep till one’s heart (and other organs) are content. Second option inwest in wery past internet connection called ADSL (Anna Dunna iSpeed Line) and peep anytime dayly nightly ewer so rightly pree of charge (but hawe to pay monthly charge por internet). You can use Internet Explorer to explore the many dipperent types of lauly ladies, or Firefox to peep at foxy ladies whenewer the mood strikes. Now depending on frequency of peepage you hawe to decide which option (Majestic or ADSL) is best to suit your needs.
Also ip the police are come to catch you you must do what isuru malli is doing. Lipt up sarong until buttocks are smiling at oncoming traffic and run like the wind on a windy day. However prom your ispoken ingilish I can gather that the police hau indeed beaten you senceless until not only your lips swollened but teeth knocked upwards into brain causing brain also to become swollen. But don’t worry. Next time run.
Gossip Aiya hawe newer heard op such thing as “kidnap”. Why do you want to put peep while ismall girl is sleeping? Nondi David’s father, Pandi David got caught doing similar things and now is counting the bars in Welikada Prison. Sin for Nondi David, no wonder he is such an angry man. So Gossip Aiya strongy urges you to stop this kidnappage as you might also end up next to Pandi David in prison cell apter police beating you senseless once more. God knows what will happen to you then, presumably same thing that made Nondi David such an angry person.
In case you don’t heed this grave warning and continue in these dirty habits, please inwest in wine bottle cork, so that cawities can be protected in event of soap droppage in prison showers.
Saturday, 13 June 2009
Now as you know Gossip Aiya spends most of his time in the maligawatta tree wheel park. Lots of things happening in tree wheel park. Only yesterday I saw a crow come plying plying and perch on head of paraa balla (istray dog). Poor dog jumped ap and down and running running in circles but dam crow wouldn't let go. I had to take catapult prom back of tree wheel and scare the bugger off. Only problam I try to miss but by mistake I hit crow. Now crow dead. Other driwer Nil Batta (giwen nickname due to short istature and his light blue colour tree wheel) suggested I take dead crow home to giwe wipe a scare. Maybe I will put in spice cupboard next to maldiwe pish. He he he dam woman deserves it only. But I might first try to sell it to piuwe star establishment of pillawoos.
In addition to these warious happenings and of course vigorous scratching of bullocks, I also like to listen about the gossips that’s happening around the country and world (por example now swine plue is called "pandemic". Gossip Aiya does not know meaning of word, but since pan club not hauing a pan called demic gossip aiya not worried in the slightliest.)
Anyway, recently Gossip Aiya is hauing hearing some vary interestful things about our lowerly country. All the military peoples in the higher offices seem to hau gotten promotions. Por exmple all Captains hawe becoming Commanders (now Captain Jack from captain jack makeral tins is commander jack), Commanders becoming Generals and so porth. And his most wenerable onerable excellency president of sri lanka ( gossip aiya giues lot of respect to the powerful peoples because he doesn’t not want to end up in unmarked white van with his arms and legs broken and bollucks chopped off) has declared himself king of the masses and his opposition leader as nodaking. The most honourable venerable excellency leader has also decided to change the name of the country from sri lanka to rajapakistan. I lauped wery hard when i heard this, but apparently not a joke. By the way at this point one must say (i hau been learning the english prom cricket commentator Ranjit Pernando) that I hau no appiliatons to either ruling or opposition parties. In pact Isuru Malli and I are setting up our own party (not like arrack party or jungi party, but political party). Now wery secret, but soon I will tell all the whole world about this.
Now you might think Gossip aiya is a pool, but actually ewery morning while on bog I read some newspapers. Ok maybe only isport section. Still better than looking at sky and waiting for brick to fall. Anyway today I has also found this marriage proposals on the papers -
” An educated sober partner is sought for Sinhala Buddhist Durawe daughter, MSc & MBA qualified IT specialist, fair, slim, 36 yrs, 5 feet 4 inches. Assets include block of land, car, savings and other valuables. Caste immaterial"
Now ewen ip Gossip Aiya was not married to witch of a wipe, apter reading pirst tree words of adwertisemant I realised could not applicable to apply. Aparathey. However ip you are educated and sober and interested apter reading descriptions, Gossip Aiya would like to issue warning. Pirst of all throw away arrack botal to preserwe soberness. Also prom my experiance, chances of sri lankan lady, who eat buth packet for lunch euridays and going in sun to buy malu bunis, being fair and slim are about as great as the chances of Gossip Aiays wipe being hit on the head by the king coconut (palling prom tree, not thrown by me). Also Make sure block of land is bigger than average size block of chocolate and car is not old morris minor which is resting on 4 jack trees. Now I don't know wha last two words mean. I think it mean that ip you hau brokan limb in plaster op paris caste, you can still apply. (even if no reply, apply and apply). Good news por all poor buggers that hau been taken por a ride in unmarked white wans.
Tuesday, 9 June 2009
Yester day is the day of the match between Sri Lanka and Australia in the world Forty cricket world cup. Gossip aiya is very excited by this prospect that not even my annoying wipe could dampen my ishpirits. I have made well praparations for this game. I went to Ariyapala istores and brought bottle of white arrack and hau told my best prend, nondi david that I am coming to his house to watch cricket match. Nondi davids does not hau wipe.
As you all know Gossip Aiya wants srilanka to win. He not like austalia. This is because Australia sudhdha people is mean to me, saying all kinds of hurtpul things when they get into my tree wheel. One day aussi man came for hire to go to Lucky Plaza. Lucky por him gossip aiya knew shortcut to awoid ischool trappic in bambalapitiya, where pamiliar looking girls with lots of holes (Holy Pamilians) run across road like isuru malli is chasing them. Anyway, Gossip Aiya put a halew to this gantelman, and soththa aussi said 'godey fella' to me! (for those who do not know, godey= uncultured, like wipe.) I don’t know how he leanrt Sinhalese but I didn’t think it was nice. Another fellow started asking me personal questions. He gets into my tree wheel and ask me 'how are you doing mate?'. I told him I hau not mate in very long time, only mate with hand. I don't know why they are saying such uncalled por things, makes Gossip Aiya feel bad.
Austrlian people also very pat. They eat too many beef steaks and drink beer and are as big as waterbuffalo crossed with elephant on steroids. So when they get in my poor tree wheel, pront wheel going up in the sky. Keliya huta!
Then there is that other pool shane warne. Apo! That pello ofcourse worse than isuru malli. Going and chasing after anything that wears anything resembling a skirt. I feel ashamed to say that this man even came to put the moves and shakes on me because he thought my sarong was iskirt. You should hau seen his face when I lipted my sarong. Dam fool.
So after much waiting we watched tha match and ammataudu!!! what a game putha! Our fellows made kangaroo curry out of those buggers (served with a good dollop of parippu to boot). The looks on the paces of that pointing fellow was worth more than all the carrots of gold in muthukarruppan chettiyar! (gossip aiya doesn’t understand why gold is measured in carrots, maybe in sudhdha cuntrys carrot is standard weight measurement). now euribodies has put plag and jumping around like randy stray dogs outside mattakkuliya flats. Opcourse when our boise lose, euribodies cursing team like they are gurunnanseys.
Anyway, wery wery happy and putting party today also. The gossip around town is that ismelly kangaroos apter losing hawe been sent to lonely village of Leicester where there are no women or alcohol (or men) for them to get distracted by (that was problem por players like that monkey-looking bugger Andrew Symonds. As Gossip Aiya say, "symo cut wela"). Like our great coach said, maybe they should have a separate competions for the small teams like bangaldesh Scotland Netherlands and Australia to play and get practice.
Now hau to go and buy white arrack por tomorrow game before Ariyapala is closing shop and going.
Saturday, 6 June 2009
Dear gossip aiya,
As of lately, i've been having illicit feelings towards my best friend's boyfriend. The feelings are definitely not mutual. What should i do?
Pirst of all when writing of problems to me please try to write them in a simple way otherwise Gossip Aiya hawe trouble understanding the busstand of you problam. I had to spend a great deal of time figuring out meaning of this word "illicit". Dam too much using these big shot vocabularies.
However must get to point of the matter. with referance to your question, these randy thoughts are wery common among young peoples of today especially apter alcohol consumption (nothing like brandy to get a woman randy). euribody these days putting looks at other peoples lowers and getting dirty ideas. Chee chee. But when you get these feelings you need sexual healings, to cure you of these randy thoughts. And I hawe many solutions. I can arrange for some of my boise from Maligawatte to go and make your best friend 'vanish' into back of unmarked white tuk tuk and newer seen again. Then when this soththa boy is sitting there in the upsets you can nicely go and make him plain tea and cos mellum and pretend like your comforting him ( while you nicely get comfortable with him) after a few days he would have forgotten that he had a girlsfrand and you and slip into her place ( no pun intended). By the way ip you want 'relief' prom frustrations also you can wisit my boise, no problam they will sort out your problam.
Otherwisely you can buy the bugger a botal and go behind backside of your friend to get prisky with him (nothing like whisky to get a bugger prisky). but then before you must go to the gangarama temple and pray to the gods that the alcohol does not interefere with his blood flow. Otherwise pinish. It will help if you dress like a wedhdha woman from dambana while partaking in this seductive activity.
Also boys like girls who play with toys. So invest in a Lego set and take it to his place and play Lego with him. He will find this very arousing and your syptoms will be cured. (unless he is a soththa bugger who has very poor blood flow)
However gossip aiya would like to take this opportunity to inform you that u have the morals of an alley cat in heat, trying to hauing dirty dirty feelings about your best friends boy friend. Gossip aiya advices you to go and get a nice kolikuttu plantain (as shown in the above) in order to cure your illness, instead of putting line for other peoples boys. Cheeky!
Thursday, 4 June 2009
Now Gossip Aiya has been noticing lot of people hitting my blog euriday. Now all sorts of people are hitting - short, tall, dark, pair, ugly and uglier. But most importantly I hope some Colombo 7 buggers and bored wipes also looking and hitting (if all wipes are like my wipe they must be bored since they don't bother cleaning the dam house and sit around euriday looking at Mahagedara and Praveena on Singer telewision set).
Now as you may know, I hau wery annoying and gaseous poor jobless drunkard of a cousin, Isuru Malli. Dam fellow won't leawe poor Gossip Aiya alone, coming and stealing ambul thiyal from clay pot when I am not looking, then coming in the middle of night drunk as a junglefowl, botal of arrack in one hand, singing some dam Hindi tune and passing out in the naked in my pront lawn after getting saima cut wela. Bloody genital wart.
So, back to the point. Gossip Aiya is thinking, what better way to get good riddance of Isuru Malli than to find the little parasite a job, Maybe some Colombo 7 mahththaya will read this and giu Isuru Malli job, even if it is as flea remover of family dog. Then he will leave poor Gossip Aiya alone to pick his bellybutton in peace apter a hard day driwing tree wheel ( lot of debris filling in belly button space. Must put some plaster of paris and cover it up)
Now although Isuru Malli is a nuisance and a pain in my buttocks, he is not completely useless... In spite of gormless look on pace (see pictorial abowe), he has some good qualities. I thought i would write up list of his attributes for prospectiwe employers.
1)He is wery fast runner. This talent has been prowen many many times when Isuru Malli lets off a stinker of a part and I hawe to take my belt off sarong and chase him out of the house yelling "Ado thopi padayak ariya ne gas balla, inna ko mama thowa maranawa" ( kind sir have you let out some gas?) His running skills were also proven when he ran from the police when they came to catch him because he was peeping at the ladies while they made toilet. Chikey!
2)He is wery good tea-maker. When I go drinking with him at Rathnaseevali bar and come, next morning feeling like god dropped bullock cart on head and the bullock kicked me in the nut sack. But when I drink Isuru Malli's plain tea...ammata udu upset peeling in stomach wanishes like my wipe's ambul thiyal from clay pot. He says he put "special ingredient". Knowing Isuru Malli, probably better for me not to know what this is.
3)Ip you hau people of female type in oppice, you don't hau to worry about Isuru Malli getting inwolwed in oppice "fling" (Gossip Aiya guesses this means when two employees do dirty things in oppice including flinging jungis all ower place. chikey. Gossip aiya has never been to oppice cept to deliver lunch packet) I can say this with utmost confidence. Because contrary to what one sudhdha bugger said, try and try as he might this bugger will never fly. He has in the past had more appairs with the womans slippers and warious shoeses than the womans itselp. It seems he does not hau ismooth talking capabilities (unlike Gossip Aiya, who now wished he didn't as he wouldn't hawe landed his wild pig of a wipe who wants to do things to me with a broom stick. Devils woman)
So as you can see, Isuru Malli is wery employable. Please call anytime, or wisit kadala seller on galle pace for additional reperence. Only do not disturb during my apternoon nap!
In other news, now hawe patrol por tree wheel. No more pat man's buttocks in pace, thank God.
Monday, 1 June 2009
Today morning as per usual I woke up to the sound of my wipes broken alarm like voice. After a quick run to the beach where I made toilet I was good to get in my tree wheel and go to work. But I get in side and worship the steering and try to istart. No istart. Try to istart again. No istart. Huka pochchi. No patrol. Then wipe comes out and start yelling about how I go drinking and don’t pump petrol. Those two things are not even related. Moda geniy. Now patrol shed very par from gossip aiyas house so I hau to catch bus. And I say this in every literal sense possible. As some of you may know srilankan bus drivers aren’t taught what the pedal between the accelerator and clutch does. As a result busses never stop. The signs on the front saying "devi pihitai" ( may god bless you) are not signs of good wishes but warnings to whoever gets on the bus. If by some stoke of idiocy you want to get on one of these machines of death you have to lift up your sarong until your buttocks are in the outside and run after bus and hang on to whatever part of the bus you can. If you catch on to conductors sarong, then pinished. Sarong and you both falling in drain.
So I go to the road side and wait for the bus. Bus is coming in the far and the ladies in sari next to me started lifting up the saree and running. Not to be outdone I also lipt up sarong and run and run and run and jump and catch something on bus. To see I have grabbed onto one ladies bosom region. Keliya huta! After being showered with filth and generous beating with her umbrella I managed to find a seat. So now I am sitting bus is going. bus is going I am sitting, and slowly slowly more people jump on the bus and it getting very crowded. Gossip aiya likes to go in crowded bussed. Then ladies in nice nice sarees come and stand close to gossip aiya and every times the bus slows down i can accidently touch on their navel areas and pretend like I didn’t mean it. Like good times and great malu banis. But today one gentlemans who was slightly over weights came and stood next to me. Now you will know that gossip aiya is a very polites man so when I say slightly over weight I mean that if he gained another ounce he could not go to kandy for fear that the high preist will keep him to carry the tooth relic in the yearly procession knows as perahera. So this slightly overweight gentlemans stands next to me I didn’t notice because I was pretending to look out the window and was looking down the blouse of the lady next to me. When I turn round ammataudu! This mans buttocks was in my pace. Now gossip aiya does not like buttocks in pace. Specially if they are attatched to fat person of a male kind. And euritimes the bus is slowing down this buttocks is coming and pressing my nose. Chikey! At one point I thought my nose broke. Finally when I got down at the petrol shed I felt very dirty. Dirty like a door mat to the brothel place. Almost took home diesel instead of petrol. If that happened then wipe would have been on my case again. Dam devils woman never shuts up. Anyway, so couldn’t go to work in the morning also. Peel like putting afternoon nap also now that I have had my lunch, but that woman might send the broom stick on an exploratory tour. Cant take the risk so I am going to the tree wheel park.
So boise and girls never take the bus. Giu gossip aiya a call I will come. ( no pun is intended)