Monday, 28 September 2009

School op rocks

Today while putting a relax I hau been reading the Daily News newspaper. It giuing euriday the daily news happanings in our fine nashun op Rajapakistan. Usually Gossip Aiya only reading the isport secshun, but apter horrible matches these days I thout today maybe look at dipperent sechuns instead op the isport page, I will cry otherwise.

So today I reading article in local news secshun it called "Model school bag". I saw word "model" and got excited so put a read. This article though nothing about nice saxxy models, but something entirely dipparant. In pact this article is a dam joke and the person who wrote it should be hung by jokas upside down opp flagpole outside townhall por the crows to perch and put bog on. I will copy sechun op article por my fine readers to see (my readers op course much more disearning that readers op this "Daily News" rubbish). Anyway it telling this -

After many experiments and analysis the Ministry of Education has introduced a model schoolbag for schoolchildren since certain experts have pointed out that a heavy back pack carried by schoolchildren could be harmful to their physical growth.

The model schoolbag has been designed in line with the steps taken by the Education Ministry to minimize the weight of heavy schoolbag. Accordingly, the model bag which comes under the back-pack model along with waist band will be available in the market from next year.

From 2011 only the standard model schoolbag will be made compulsory for schoolchildren. Having analysed many models, a team of experts including doctors were deployed by the Education Ministry to look into the issues related to heavy schoolbag. Subsequently, they have designed this back-pack type school bag.

“We considered and analysed many bag samples even from England. Having considered several elements, this sample bag was introduced,” Commissioner for Education Publications N.M.J. Pushpakumara said.

Additionally, heavy text books will come as volumes from 2011 as they have been found to be the major reason for a heavy schoolbag.

Gossip Aiya hauing the many problams with this article. Pirst op all it telling this new ischool bag coming apter many "designs and exparimants" with "experts and doctors". They do not tell who are these so call "doctors"...maybe they ask Dr.Pan prom Chinese Herbal Medicine clinic in Kollupitiya. What will he know about ischool bags? He will be good por making green tea and waiting only. Also what kind op experimants can you do on ischool children to see how dipperant bags affact the growth? You telling me that 10 years ago they gawe a group op boys dipperant types of bag, put heawy books inside and told them to go euriday with that bag to ischool, and now 10 years later they looking and telling "ahh that pellow there is the shortest so that bag is the worst. this boy here look at him is big and as tall as coconut tree in my brotherinlo's cousins estate in Monaragala so this type op bag must be best por physical growth." Op course this bugger might be big not becos op bag design, but becos his parents are also coconut tree size, and euriday he eating tree bowls op the Samaposha and waiting. Or maybe they experimantating by putting big istones and rocks in dipparant dipparant bags, and dropping the boys prom Worlds End and seeing which boy hits the ground last and then they tell that bag is best por carrying heawy things.

Then the article telling that the best ischool bag is the backpack with the istrap. They telling this like it is some scientipic breakthrough op century. What a bunch op plamingos! This Educashun Commishuner Pushpukamara should join the author op article on plag pole. It like telling "Apter many experimants with many experts and doctors, Gossip Aiya hau pound that ip you throw something in air, it will come back down and hit you on head". Euribody already knows the backpack is best without these ninny's telling in paper like breaking news. That why ol the battas in Maligawatta already going to ischool with backpack! Do these so call experts think that they holding Sathosa sili sili bags and going? Or maybe they putting books on head and going like woman going to collect water prom well? Dam pools.

But the best thing about article is at the end. It telling that they hau pound that heawy text books only making the bags the heawy, so they are going to istart making the ismaller text books. Ip you are going solve the heawy bag problam, then what is the bloody point ispending money and getting Dr Pan and a bunch of muppets to experimant and throw boys op cliff to see which design is better por heawy backpack?!?! This some dam hairy flea inpested horse bollocks only.

So now isport secshun making me sad, but news sechun making me angry. Maybe now I will go to word jumble to make me feel better, with my supir top iniglis iskills i am sure to smash it lept right and centre!

Dishum dishum
Gossip Aiya

Tuesday, 15 September 2009

Party Planning

Halew. Now some time ago I put bloggage about my political ambishuns to put party. Now recently while in lat room, I was thinking with all sorts of muppet shows entering the politics, maybe it is time por a decent down in the earth bugger like Gossip Aiya to get opp buttocks and istart with this party putting business. (Op course could not acshually get opp buttocks then because I was on bog sending some isso wadey down exhaust pipe. I am ispeaking in the metaforically ispeaking.) So put a nice long think on bog as isso wadeys were taking a long time to make appearance, and decided to put tree wheels in motion and istart Gossip Aiya's political carear.

Now many op you might be knowing that already in Colombo there is tree wheel driwer who is big shot politishun. He liwes in White House opposite Viharama Devi park. He is king of park. Not only virahamahadevi park but ol tree wheel park. He is Colombo Mayor. All other tree wheel driwers lau him and hau the lot op respect por this bugger. Bepore he became mayor nobodies thout this would be possible. Taxi driwers, wan driwers and ewen bus driwers maybe become politishun, but not tree wheel driwer. We were looked down on by ol other driwers like something wrong with our genital objects. Ewen on roads we get pushed onto sidewalk by ol other wehicles that are bigger than tree wheel. Only driwers that are ismaller than us are motorcycles. But ewen them we cannot push op road, too iscared. One day Nil Batta pushed two buggers on motorcycle opp Marine Driwe, to see they were STF buggers going on patrol. Somehow the joker had not seen the two big pistole pointing up in air. Maybe he thout they were something else and got excited. Anyway bugger got petrifyed and bepore they could get up prom sidewalk he hooked it like Isuru Malli with his sarong on pire.

What I am trying to tell is that our belowed Mayor hau been por us tree wheel driwers like that Presidant Osama bugger in the Istates is por ol Aprican-Americans peoples. (Although I do not underistand why in the Istates there are so many Aprican-Americans peoples. Why do Apricans peoples and Americans peoples like to get prisky with each other so much and hau the Aprican-Americans babies? Gossip Aiya not underistanding the bus istand.)

Anyway, getting back to the tracks. Pirst op all must giu party nice name. Not like soththa boring names op elepant and betel leaf parties. My party will Pragathisheelee Prajathanthrawadaya Surekeemey Deshapreymee Vamaanshika Tree Wheel Peramuna (PPSDVTWP), in Tamil call Jananayagam Kudiarasu Thaesatatru Edathusari Tree Wheel Daesai Kachchi (JKTETWDK), and in Inigilish is call Liberal Democracy Protecting Country Loving Leftist Tree Wheel Party (LDPCLLTWP). Symbol will be hand. Euribodies will know my party as hand party.

Now you must wonder what Gossip Aiya will do ip peoples wote por me. One thing I will depinitely do is istop ol these peoples sending inapropriate massages to electronic latterbox. They call it the ispam. It is wery annoying and it telling dirty things but not in exciting way. Todays even I got one such latter. With great dippiculty I open latterbox and look to see heading of email goes like this “enlarge your pe*is size 3 inches in length and width”. Chikey. Not only is this the inapropriate but also the wery misleading por peoples who supper prom the ismall koli-kuttu (otherwise call the "Pawkie-Syndrome") and who are interested in such emails. Euen ip genital wand is size of magi noodle ip you increase width by 3 inches even horse will run away when you go near. You will have to spend money to hire some bucket like isuru malli to carry your wand around. So gossip aiya want to become king to catch people who sending these latters and send them on sight looking tour of siri siri lanka and leawe them in Wilpattu and go.

Now lunch time over no time to rite about party policies. Will do that next blog. But don’t porget, when putting wote, put hand party.

Dishum Dishum
Gossip Aiyah!

Saturday, 5 September 2009

I don't know why!

Now our glorious team of Rajapakistan hau recently lost to a bunch of poached kiwipruits (I tell they are poached becos their nice suddha complecshuns hau become the red like ripe rambutan in the heat). We are losing to those soththas not just once, but once more apter that! (that mean the twice por the intellechshually challenged readers.) Dam shame no. great nashun loosing to a pruit. That is like Amaradeva losing singing competishun to a potato plant. Chick witharak! I thout those kiwi buggers are only good por doing dirty things with sheep, not the noble game op the cirickate. Only isport they are playing is some dum isport where you are trying to go porwards but throwing ball backwards and going, and players lifting other players up above the heads and looking up their shorts.

Now opcourse in the morning time when I am sitting on the bog area I am thinking of ways to making the world a better place por you and por me and the entire human race (apart prom bugger next door opcourse I want him to die but that’s a story por different day), so todays I am thinking thinking why our great cirikate team is playing like the devi ballika under 12 girls basketball team. Hoppfully some jockstrap op a cirickate selector bugger is reading this, so maybe my adwice can halp you do job proparly.

Problam is this. Prom the very pirst bigining we are istarting with rong poot porward. Now let me try and explain this by telling istory so ewen selector idiot can understand. Now long ago I used to hau a pighting cock (cock meaning chickan, i know you peoples thinking dirty things straight away no). Anyway, it was the best pighting cock in whole village. Euri pight it is winning winning, ewen beating cocks twice as big. He is wery pamous cock, ewen peoples prom next door villages coming to watch him pight. But then it islowly got old and istarted to loose some pights but istill good pighter. Then he got ewen older, and he become not so good pighter, but I thout newer mind he can istill pight. I made big mistake and sent it to pight one too many times and it ended up as chicken curry next day. Cirikare pollowers must be knowing what I am beating the bushes and trying to say. The great old man has got to go and take up commentary posishun where he can sit next to that goon ranjit pernando and continue to say things like ‘ THE india hau the very stong batting, THE dravid, THE tendulkar, and even THE gambhirs’. Ip he too old por that also, he can sit on side op road and polis peoples shoes with his shiny bald head.

Second op all our selectors hau to get over their unlike op the Kandamby. He is very goot cirickate player. Little bit pat but ip he is not allouwed to play the game and run around chasing boll how will he ever get thin no? Ip our Capitan Cool Mr.Ranatunga played and he the size op jumbo sausage roll 24 pack, then this bugger depinitely not too pat to play.

Third op all I will tell istory about another pighting cock I haued. This cock I thought was good pighter so I put and put in pights. But when he pight, he will put one or two nice attack but then lose and run away. But I kept giuing him chance thinking one day he will pight good. But he keep losing and losing until evenshually he also eneded up in curry. So like cock number two, that cotton house(Kapu-gedara) hau got to go and come back when he has grown some cellular matter inside his head cavity. When gossip aiya watch pirst forty cirikate match and saw cotton house play kakki shot gossip aiya got so angry and throw kadala in the air (then had to spend the rest of the inning picking up kadala. Dam devils woman that wipe wouldn't ewen giu halp)

Pipth op all we hau to bring in the big Maharoop (por peoples not watching so much the cirickate he is the tall black girappe-like looking bugger with neck like turtle) . He is the very pine bowler and he hit the ball also hard. It a shamepul shame that he is only there to keep the benches warm. As shamepul as bathing in the naked in the village well. At least Kandamby can do good job op keeping bench warm with such an opulant set op buttocks, but this Maharoop bugger is thin and bony.

Gossip aiya must say recent cricket perpormances making him very sad and angry at cirickate team. But that is only because I am big pan. I will ending today with some wise words uttered by Sri Lanka Cirickate Number One Pan the great percy abeysekara (pondly known to Gossip aiya as percy uncle)

“I love you srilanka, I love you I love you I love you. Until I die I love you, thopilata avurudu 25 cheer keruwa mona magulak dha yako mey koranney? (I have been cheering for you for 25 years what bollucks cricket are you playing)

Ip ol else pails and selector jokas don't listen to gossip aiya, only one thing lept to do to awoid the white washing in third game. Go to team hotel night bepore game and giu kiwipruit bus driwer nice arrak bothal and send him packing. Next morning go like bus driwer and instead op taking team to istadium, driu buss keling the istraight into the beira lake. Don't misunderstand i will keep doors opan por them to iscape so they won't drown. But prom iswallowing the beautipul clean beira lake water, they will surely contract some jungle illnass prom all the loose moshun the shanty buggers pass in lake, and will not be able to play por rest op tour.

Dishum Dishum
Gossip Aiyah!