Thursday, 27 August 2009

Bad cop, worse cop

Halew. These days lot op things happening in Great Nashun op Rajapakistan. Now ushually when somebody getting the caught doing the bad thing, like drinking and driuing the wrong way up Duplicashun Road in ischool trappic, or trying to take money prom ATM machine by showing toy gun ( as if ATM machine that istupid!), they hau to be taken to polish istashun(pamous istashun is in the garden of cinnamon very nice ismell). However these days when we go into polish istation the pellos working there make the criminals outside look like the bamby deer in the head lights ( this is prom new ingilish cartoon i hau watched on my DeeWeeDee player and no i did not watch blue pilim like some of you told). Wery sad istory when ismall ciriminals are in the cell playing tag with cockaroaches while bigger ciriminals holding piss toll and baton istick and lauping at those poor buggers and waiting.

Other day I went to polish istashun with Nondi Dawid to get polish report por his new job (putting oil paper wrapping on jinadasas thalaguli), and the big man there asking por 2,500 rupees to giu report! Dam cussard bugger. So had to go to ATM (not with toy pistole but with isuru udana credit card from BOC) to take money to pay this panditheya. Poor Nondi Dawid was going to use that money to buy the ispectaculars as his eyesight these days the bad (just yesterday he telling "Gossip Aiya your wipe looking wery nice today"), but now that money going por the big polish elepant to eat malupan. By the way ol peoples talking in wery istrange way to big man. They talking like "Yes oh I see mahaththaya, no oh i see mahaththaya, tree bags pull oh i see mahaththaya." Why they saying oh i see ol the time? Maybe they were the drunkened, apter ol it was day apter poya and they hau alot op conpiscated moonshining alcohol to dispose op.

Anyways thankpully our Great and Noble Ruler His Exellency King op Rajapakastan is taking drastic meshures to istop this unruly behawiour. He hau setup new Bribery Commishun to inwestigate these bent polish peoples (bent meaning underhand peoples, not bent meaning those inclined to cleaning exhaust pipes). But ewen these meashures I think are still palling short op the mark. Just the other day Gossip Aiya hear one pello working at Dematagoda Polish istashun hau been caught by one Bribery Commishuner por taking 1,000 rupees to release man who was caught plashing priwate parts at ischool girl. However this polishman managed to get op the hook by bribing the Bribery Commishuner!! So Gossip Aiya hau learnt the two things. Pirst thing, in puture I should always check por polish bepore I raise sarong and plash at passing ladies, or wallet will be emptied and wipe will clean my exhaust pipe with broom istick. Second thing is that in order to istop the Bribery Commishuner prom taking bribes prom polish pellos who take bribes, a new Bribery Commishun should be appointed to inwestigate the pirst Bribery Commishun. But the new bribery commishuners should not take bribes prom the old bribery commishuners that had taken bribes prom polish pellos who took bribes. Maybe then Nondi Dawid can get his 2,500 rupees back and big man can be put in prison so ol other prisoners can laup and tell oh i see and wait.

Also I am the hearing that our nashunal treashure, the wery beautipul actress who enjoy very much running on beachy side is joining the politicks. Ol this time when peoples telling she is doing dirty things with politishuns and all I newer beliewed. She is too beutipul and innnosent to be doing such things with politishuns or anybody por that matter. Like unspoiled plower only of papaya tree. But now I underistand the reasons for all this hau been the edukashunal purposes such that now she hau single (or double) handedly masterfied the artistical art of the political set up. Anyway I will depinitely wote por her 10 times ( with all my ten pingers) ip she goes por elecshuns. She is great example to ol the young ladies in our cuntry about how par in lipe you can get with vishun, determinashun and committment. And plastic surgery op course.

Dishum dishum
Gossip Aiya

Friday, 21 August 2009

putting hommage!

Recently one mister Samson posted this on my holy and sacred wall of pan.

"gossip aiya, i heard through the grapevine that you are actually gay and that you fancy isuru malli. this is why you dislike your wife so much and you never actually show us a picture of her, but you show one of isuru malli. quite a few people are talking about how you like it from this true?"

Now gossip aiya tired of all these buttock warts telling telling euridays that i am the homa (op the bent wariety, latin term homo sapian). Just because i am not doing daily dirty things with the wipe (better to do dirty things to a bees nest) does not meaning i am not liking the womans. In pact the other day i went on the internet and saw not one or two but three womans doing unmenshunable things to each other with the aid op warious neparious pruits (and wegetables) and all sorts of electrical applienses. My goat bunda!!! All this was highly ‘uplifting’ to be saying the leastest. Also last week I was putting hire to nice looking young lady in wery rewealing top. So rewealing in pact it rewealed that she had porgottan to put the inside underwear. Ammataudu euritime going ower pothole jiggling jiggling like two jally puddings. So Gossip Aiya put detour opp the main road telling i know short the cut, and went on ol ismall bumpy bumpy roads putting looks into side mirror at eury opportunity. Almost crashed tree wheel into bullock cart also while looking. Imagine hauing to explain that to wipe!

So this should be proving that i am indeed istraight like lasith malingas bowling arm (not like thats soththa harbajahn sing).

Also you telling some garbage about not putting pictorials op wipe. There is two reasons popr this. Pirst reason is whenewer I am coming near wipe with anything resembling camara, she taking cooking ispoon and coming apter me telling 'don't bring those evil eye mashines into our house'. She must be the knowing how ugly she is, that why she doing such things. Other reason i am not ewen taking hora pictorials op wipe and putting up is that ip i show you picture of wipe your junior samson might shrivel up and go into hibernation, therepore i do not show.

Now gossip aiya is vary modern person and sees nothing wrong with people who are like to bat for the opposite teams, but i is very iscared op them. I am so iscared that one day isuru malli called me a ‘homa probe’ (or something similar) and i gave him one nice patas slap just because i thought it sounded a bit wrong side. I am so iscared of the such peoples that everytime i am istanding up and not sitting in tree wheel i am keeping plank of flywood board across my backside to ensure that my sacred anal shrine is not violated by any brown nosed mongooses.

So dear Samson, i hope your queshchun hau been answered and in puture would advice you to think with your head rather than your buttock before asking silly queshchuns. Dam hooligan. I would advice all pans to urinate in sili sili bags and send to said individual so that he will learn lesson of not insulting poor innocent pellows like Gossip Aiya. In conclushun i would like to wish that the flease of the thousand camel infest your nether regions and your hands are too short to pluck them off.

Dishum Dishum
Gossip Aiyah!

Tuesday, 18 August 2009

Window shopping

Now maybe pans remembering I put adwertismant up on blog some the time ago about pinding a job por that useless twit Isuru Malli. I am the wery the happy to report he pound job as window cleaner. I am not so the happy to report the dam pool hau lost job as window cleaner on same day. Bloody jockstrap. You might ask how anybodies could manage to get pired prom job where all you hau to do is apply soap and water on peace op glass!! Well as is usually the case with Isuru Malli, his unequalled randy-ness led to his downpall. Like a chiwawa in heat humping a table leg only this idiot is. Anyways let me tell you istory.

So Isuru Malli was sent to poss big Colombo 7 house on pirst day to wash windows. Big the two istory house where wery poss pamily liuing. So he put water and the soap in buket and now washing washing windows. As he washing liuing room window he put a peep to see inside op house. Biiiig pictorial op pamily potograp hanging on wall. In potograp he see the wery nice lowerly looking dawter there. Sha a wery nice spesiman, the wery curvashus and giuing wery seductiwe lookings. So now Isuru Malli looking at fotograp and waiting, thinking dirty dirty things, until huge brute op a driwer Gonapala comes and giwes a shot and says "koheda balanney yako, thopi awa janel hodhanne ne, ay nikang maluek wagey kata arala inney? Wade karappang neththam palayan methening dhan kala kanniya" (translation - where are you looking sir? You hau been the commishuned to clean the windows op this residense, not stare open-mouth like guppy piss. Please go back to your appointed duty otherwise kindly leawe this property.) Isuru Malli jumped, almost putting boggage in sarong. "Ah ishorry ishorry mahaththmaya. I was just putting think about how to wash second istory windows, I am not tall enup to reach, ewen on my tippytoeses."

Driwer Gonapala reply "Moda haraka (good man) there is a ladder in shed por you to climb and wash. No wonder your job is window cleaner. your mother must hau taken your brain to make brain cutlets when you were ismall. Now take ladder and go!"

Isuru Malli thout op telling that Driwer Gonapala cannot appord to talk like that when his job is to go round and round in circles on road like rat in maze, but then thout better keep quiet otherwise might end up in Nawaloka accidant ward. So Isuru Malli take ladder, tie sarong around waist and climb to wash upistair the window.

Now as he washing he putting look through window, like the nosey bugger he is. He seeing wery nice badroom, with pink fluffy pillos and all. And euriwheres the potos op this girl with dipperent dipperent poses. Ammataudu this must be nice girls badroom, thinking Isuru Malli. Just as he thinking that, door opens and girl comes into room prom the showering in towel! She sits down opposite mirror and istart brushing op the hair, with backside to Isuru Malli. This bugger almost hauing heart attack, thinking must be birthday, kissmass and avurudu presents all rolled into one.

So this woman sitting in ismall towel brushing brushing, now Isuru Malli eyes like two dinner plates istaring istaring and thinking unmenshunable things, lipts sarong and now putting hand party. Chikey what a prisky bugger, I know you are thinking. I am thinking same. Anyway so now he consentrating so hard on this lady he dropping bucket with isponge water and all and not ewen noticing. Now Driwer Gonapala hear noise op bucket palling and coming to see what hau the happened, when he see this joker's pace against window putting hand party.

"Ado val balla, thopi athey gahanawa dha??!! Inna ko mama dennam wadey!!" (Here are you putting hand party?? Wait i will giu you properly now) and Driwer Gonapala now also lipting sarong and coming to climb up ladder and hammer this pello. Isuru Malli got such a shock he jump. Thankpully one hand (not hand putting hand party) was holding ladder so he not pall opp ladder. Unthankpully, ladder also jump when he jump, and now it istart palling backwards. "Aiiiieeeeeeeeeee" he shouting as he palling palling and then dadaaang he pall onto ploor underneath ladder. Now euribodies in house, shef, maids, ewen madam op house coming running por the noise, to see this soththa bugger the istuck under ladder with wery sheepish look on pace, bucket and isponge missing, and koli kuttu istanding at attenshun por the whole world to see. Meanwhile Gonapala hau gone to get broom and come, and now holding it like wisikaththe and coming towards Isuru Malli like that Gobson bugger in pilm "Brawehart". In true Isuru Malli istyle, he riggled under ladder and hooked it down the road yelping like chiwawa (not chiwawa in heat but wery iscared chiwawa), sarong still tied at waist and plashing all and sundry on Rosmead Place.

Needless to say that was end op Isuru Malli's career in window washing industry. Now the bugger again coming and saying no money and istealing ambulthiyal prom my kitchen. Dam pool.

dishum dishum
Gossip Aiya

Wednesday, 12 August 2009

(mis)portune pawours the brawe

Today this pool Isuru Malli comes with a big ismile on his pace and istarts rolling on the ground around my tree wheel. Eh bola I am thinking isuru malli has got mad cow disease. Then he explain to me he go and read his horoscopes and man in white sarong and beetle leaf stains ol over has told him it is bad time for him and rolling around around like rabid dog is good for his starry starry stars. Dam cabbage of a pool.

Anyways on this topics, I hearing that one man of portune telling origins has predicted that our great king His Excellency Ruler op Great Nation op Rajapakistan will only rule till the end of September. This was told to opposishun leader Nodhaking at party conperence (more about Nodhaking later). Under the democratic system currently in place in Rajapakistan this silly man was immediately arrested and fed to the lions (even though the lions didn’t have much after the police were done with him). So now gossip aiya hau question. This silly man who can see puture of our great king was not able to see his own puture after making such a silly statement! Maybe he needs bipocal spectacals. Even gossip aiya knows better than to say such things about king. Dam pool.

Anyway now I hau istory about opposishun leader. Many peoples are under impreshun that Nodhaking is man, but in pact he is no-man (no-man means not man but also not woman. is in the between. Not 'he' or 'she' but 'it'.) Next time you hear it ispeak listen the carepully and you will realise no man on earth moon or sun could sound like that, unless his bollocks were being the isqueezed like pilawoos shef isqueezing lime gediyas to make the lime juice. Now Gossip Aiya will tell you istory about how man became no-man.

One pine day Nodhaking had gone to parlimant to put parlimant seshun with members prom his green elepant party. Now when I say parlimant seshun I don't mean when ol buggers sit on two sides, flap their sarongs and insult each other prom across the room. This seshun was drinking seshun. Por those who are clueless, euri other priday in parlimant is drinking seshun. That is why police are closing roads, so drunk ministers can istop on side op road while going home to put kabral (the pukeage) without anybodies seeing such disgracepul behawiour.

Anyway so Nodhaking went por seshun. Apter two shots op baileys (the wery istrong licker) this bugger was hammered and could hardly the istand. Thankpully these days there are onerable MPs (Monk-ey Politicians) that do not consume the alcohol (as ip they ispill it will stain their sappron robes and euribody in the tample will know what shamepul things they hau been doing). So Nodhaking was leaning on this MP por the support. Now MP oppered Nodhaking to put a drop in his new duty-pree E-Class Bends (usually used por taking food to poor areas but once in a blue colour moon MP uses also.) But when they were walking to car, he tripped ower onerable MP's sappron robe and bepore anybodies could halp, huta pochchi! he pallen into lake. Then disaster istruck. Water isnake seeing Nodhaking dancing around in lake come and bitten his koli kuttu clean opp thinking is tasty isnack sent prom Gods. So apter that only man hau become no-man. Dam sin only.

Anyway this Nodhaking is big looser. Now Gossip Aiya not trying to be the ismart, this is pact. This is leader who hold world record por most number op elecshun depeats. Could not win elecshun ewen ip candidate prom other party was a convicted cereal rapist whos campaign was run by his dog. (However that being the said, a person op such esteem only is now running in up and coming local elecshuns por kings party in royal borough of kotte. This is wat makes us such glorious nation, that ewen peoples that hawe killed, raped, swindled, kidnapped or robbed other peoples are giwen chance to redeem themselves by becoming politician under our national "criminals rehabilitashun program".)

Pinally must giu update on home pront. Today wipe hau gone to motherinlos house. Very good I can hau some pieces of mind. But the devils woman hasn’t cooked me anything and gone. No money to eat prom posh establishment of pilawoos also so hau to cook. Dam pain only. Must close all doors and windows before performaing womanly act of cooking or naybor buggers will put a lauph.

dishum dishum
Gossip Aiyah!

Tuesday, 4 August 2009

Pace of a buboon

The halew. Now gossip aiya very busy man but while driving wheels of three I sometimes ishtop nears by the kollupitiya abans showrooms and watching crickate on the plat iscreen. Sometime these places are very crowded and dippicult to see as ol other tree wheel driwers and rasthiyadu buggers like security gards prom mack donal's place next door also watching match and waiting, but I hau solushun por that. I go into middle op crowd, islowly islowly raise sarong, and put a nice loong ismelly part. It what you call "silant but violant", or what i call "no sound but so profound". Ismell like rotten egg pactory hauing gas leak. Euribodies run like atom bomb has been hit and Gossip Aiya can watch cirickate in peace in one piece. (You might wonder how come I can put parts on demand. Well there is two reasons. One is always I am hauing some dirty roadside pood in stomak so always there is build up of methane in nether regions. Also I hau been practicing the art op the part por many years now as exit strategy prom domestic abuse. When wipe is iscolding iscolding i slooowly let one rip, and when she gets the whiff she runs out op room gasping por breath like drowning elepant seal.)

So I hau been pollowing recent cirickat wictories op glorious nation of Rajapakistan ower soththa nation op Pakistan. (sorry por any pakistan peoples reading this blog but you will hau agree, your team play like bunch op drunk pig farmers in heat.) But one thing i must say. Pakistan team hau some op most ugliest specimans op human nature I ewer seen. I thought Indian team was bad, but they looking like isuper-top models compared to this group of hillybillies. The prime example is the Pakistan wicket keeper. Now por those readers who not watching cirickate (shame on you and your pamily) I will describe his face. It was so very scary that it was like white van had suddenly come and park next to my tree wheel. Somebody watching my reaction when they show his pace might think I have seen isurumallis genitals on the tv. But no I have seen those, those are more funy than the iscary. But by goat! His pace looked like a 17th century commode which had not been flushed or cleaned since the day it was implanted. (you know the type which you hau to put a isquat and do and do). I do not understand how the king of rajapakistan hau put ban on showing ismoking, drinking, baby making and anything fun related on tv but still allows them to show this mans pace. Mouth like upside down paraw fish caught in hook. Chik witherak. Any childens who see it will become mentally ill and one day go to school and shoot everyone with a catapult. Chikey! Not like gossip aiyas beautipul pace.

Ispeaking about his majesty the King and his bans, this week King put ban on the adults only movies showing at 5 star cinema establishmants. These days op course Gossip aiya wont be affected by these thing because now hau past internet por usage during hand party seshun. Can put download op high quality mowies to watch in comport of own home. The last one I watch was Nil Batta's suggeshun op movie called "Anaconda". Unportunately I did not enjoy as it was mowie about actual snake, not what I was expecting. But bepore internet I was going going euriday por night show at Roxy theatre bepore going home. They used to show such classics as "Princess of the Night" and "Forrest Hump". Where are all the poor pellows going to go and clean their pipe lines if ol these places closes? But after seeing that commode face Pakistani cricketer op course, pipe might be like melted s-lon pipe for a long time.

I also hau heard rumour that king is going to put stop to sellage and consumerage op the alcohol ishpirits. Appataudu that will be the end op universe as we know it! On ol that is holeful this must be istopped. Otherwise no more mendis for gossip aiya. I will be like ship without sail. Like raa Danial without daval Migel only. Ip this bannage happens I will be forced to wote for the ladyman in the opposishun house.

A Very concered dishum dishum
Gossip Aiyah!