Monday, 1 February 2010

Nalla Idirikaalam!

Pirst op ol pans I hau to apologize prom my looong absence on bloggage. This constipashun has been due to a pew reasons. Unportunately (due to some reasons I cannot esplain due to fear op my bollocks being hung drawn and quartered) my sensashunal, unprecedented (or in this case un-Presidented) and inspirashunal politickal career was cut short. I wish I could tell ol pans about this but ip I do, then koli kuttu olso might get cut short. Then how to put hand party?

So I hau been in hiding in my house backside (because we are not liu near lake to go to lakeside) and waiting like a neurotic mongoose por the last month or so, watering my gotukola plants with choo (yellow water) euritime white wan going past gate. But now apter elecshun no need por me to be iscared, becos ol white wans are busy going and rounding up ol supporters op swan candidate. While on the subject, I hau heard that apparantly royal pamily last week has banned swan prom plying anywhere. That op course is wery istupid thing to do, ewen uneducated hoodlum like Isuru Malli knows that swans cannot ply. It is what they coll "plight-less bird" like the kiwipruit bird, the ostrich and the orangutan. (In this case op course our plight-less bird olso turned out to me pight-less. But kuru kuru of course not less)

Anyway, in light op ol the resent happanings in Rajapakistan, Gossip Aiya thought he must giu pans some adwice, otherwise they may olso get a wisit prom white van and get whisked opp to the Moneragala District and tied to a light pole in the middle of an empty paddy field ol night por crows to land and put fekal matter on head (like what happened to Elecshun Commmishuner on elecshun night. It olso explains the severe case op baldness he hau on his head). Olso might get istruk by the lightening (these days patrol istrike, tea flucker istrike, doctor istrike, so why not lightning istrike olso).

Anyway this adwice shall be known as the "Gossip Aiya Survival Programme", or GASP. The motto can be "Pollow GASP or you will soon be gasping por breath" or something like that (don't insult it is a work in progress). It reads as pollows -

1)The accepted greeting when meeting an acwaintance on istreet or in local watering hole (public toilat) is no longer "Kohomadha Machang", "Aiya/Malli how how" or "Ado keri balla thopi kohedha hitiye mey dawas tikey". Instead one must use the salutashun "Jayawewa", or in more formal settings (like Hilton toilat) "Obata Subha Anaagathayak Wewa". Pailure to do so will result in grawe suspishun, or first class tickat to grawe.

2)Paste picshure op noble king on back op tree wheel or pour wheel. Gossip Aiya suggests either the close-up op the pace showing mustash in ol its glory, or the pull length one with King raising hands abowe head and joining palms together like he is getting ready to diwe into Otters Swimming Pool. Can olso hau one op king making obsene pinger gesture.

3)Ip you are business bugger do ol dealings in pictures op royal family. Example. Olready kings pace on 1000 rupee note, then maybe u can create note using pace op state goat and Italian herb for 500 rs. Then maybe picture of river flower por 100 and rest op the royal family in whichever way you choose suitable.

4)Send message to euribody in oppis (or ol ischool prends ip you are a batta) inwiting to "Elechun Wictory Party". I suggest a blue theme. Eurione can wear blue and come, can hau in either Blue Elepant, Blue Lagoon, or newly reopened Blue Lepard club. Can drink Blue Label eat blue cheeses, and put Blues music (or ip you like to dance can put the Rytham and the Blues olso). Ip you are a group op teenage randy buggers, can watch Blue movies and wait. Ip not hau monies and no prends olso, then look at blue iskies and wait.

Ip you follow GASP without fail, I can say with 100% certainty that you will be pree prom any adducshuns. However there is istill a small chance that in spite op all this, white wan may come por you. In such cases, Gossip Aiya cannot help you. However, I suggest you pollow Isuru Malli's appendix to GASP, the "Last GASP Escape Plan", in which it is adwised that you lipt sarong and hook it barefoot down the road, shrieking like 4 year old girl.

Good luck, and Obalata Subha Anaagathayak Wewa!

Dishum dishum
Gossip Aiya