Tuesday, 26 May 2009
Yes Gossip aiya recently got computer and very past slt broad bands and now is finally on the pacebook. But pacebook is really starting to annoy me. Every 2 minutes I get a notice saying someone has taken a quiz ' how many jockstraps do I have in my cupboard' or ' are my panties colourpul enough'. Gossip aiya doesn’t understand how a quiz, designed by an idiot who was too busy sitting at home and writing up quizzes to get into anyones panties, is going to tell you everything you ever wanted to know about life?
Too much unwanted inpormation coming Gossip Aiya's way these days. Recently I went to pavorite website, Cricinfo (well second pavorite after site showing lowerly kumaris playing with warious assorted pruits such as kolikuttu plantains). While putting look at news and pictorials on Cricinfo, Gossip Aiya was fortunate enough to read an article which revealed a bit too much. Now Shoaib Akthar is a world feared fast bowler (Pakistani wersion of Panadura express which ended Gossip Aiya's cricketing career). Although he a bit of a soththa bugger, spending most of his time banned for taking drugs like marriage-wana or being injured apter falling off bed in hurry to get to bog after dodgy biryani, when he plays, ammataudu the bugger plays! However his recent 'injury' made me fall off my chair laughing. PCB (Pakistani Cricketers' Buttocks) in a media release told red faced journalist that Akthar ' was unable for selection due to genital warts'. mala illauwa!! Now I am no medical expert or a health inspector like one of the readers but I assume an occational scrub around the mambalams region should prevent such hideous out breaks. Chikey! Having said that, cat has been sniffing around my mambalams more frequently these days. Must wash sarong, and ip cat still sniffing maybe wisit to doctor mahaththaya is in order.
And why every few months does someone have to go and do something naughty to an animal and get caught? Every so often youl hear how a man 'raped' a cow or tried to molest a goat and this is often front page news! But then again in some countries a cat being rescued from a tree is front page news (when i says cat i mean actualy cat and not dog cat). Not is srilanka though. 'Diwaiyina' always filled with fat ministers cutting cakes and opening bottle shops'.
Getting back on the tracks. We live in a diwerse world these days and people are coming out with all kinds of nasty pass times...quizzing, hauing pun time with warty ladies, even hauing pun time with animals!Doesn't mean poor simple bugger like Gossip Aiya must hear about it. So it would be nice if the media didn’t rub it in face (or anywhere else for that matter) when someone does unmentionable things with a tadpole or something. They are the ones who like that kind of thing. Not us. We care about it as much as we do about a colony of warts on Shoaib's mambalams.
So the lessons to be learnt from todays rant boys and girls is that always wash mambalams region vigorously with sunlight soap. Even if you don’t have mambalams. And don’t take quizzes. Ask Gossip Aiyah. Ill tell you evurithing u needs to know. ( don’t ask the wipe she only claims to know eurithing but her brains is size of spoon handle. Don’t tell her I said that)
Sunday, 24 May 2009
Yesterday night vey bad for gossip aiyah. Actually even today morning is very bad. I am meeting with some of my prends yesterdays and going to the posh establishments known as Senkada bar. Where as self respecting young lads tend to do at a bar we order a devil meats and kadala and some of srilankas finest distilled coconut waters which tastes like petrol. And so the activity of drinking began. Wipe also calling auri pipteen minutes asking 'what time are you coming home you dam fool' dam annoying that womans is. So euritimes she is calling I am drinking some more. Now gossip aiya was drunk. But gossip aiya was mindful to keep his sarong on, unlike that buttock wart isuru malli, so nobodys sees mambalams.
Now gossip Aiya can not remember coming home last night but wipe is not talking to me this morning. Considering I hau very big over hang that is not nessasarily a bad thing. I looked outside tree wheel also there. 'budu ammoo' I breath huge sighs of relief. Then it happened. As I got to my feets I was paid a visit by one mr Kabral. So I run to toilet and put my head in hole. (we are not hauing cummote. All we hau is a hole in the ground, like shown in picture) Kabral came and came and came until I couldn’t stand straight. Huka pochchi! Now those with minds like my toilet might be wondering why this kabral bloke is doing unmentionable things to gossip Aiya. But mr Kabral is a fond name we have given for the vomits (derived from the latin term 'kabaraya' gossip aiya knows latin also) So I thought ah ok now Kabral gone I can liu happily ever after. But no. ten minutes later kabral coming again. Huka pochchi. So went again. Ten minutes later man visiting again. Dam joke only. After seven such visits to the lat room I am not sittin in front of my computer unable to move. Wipe is not making me any kos mellum even. Devils woman is laughing at my situations. Wait till she gets the periodicals will you. I will laugh till I cry.
Cat is also coming and sniffin my bollucks all day ( you will remember that gossip aiya now has a dog named cat) dam annoying dog. Now neighbours will know I hau not washed sarong in a week.
All my prens are calling and laughing at me. Chikey! Must never drink again. Gossip aiya hopes all of you will learn from my mistakes and stop drinking. Atleast on poya days.
Only one dishum today
Friday, 22 May 2009
Now I know many wiewers of blog also think of one day doing compromising things in planes, trains, ewen something called "Eurostar" in England (maybe something like Sirasa Superstar). Gossip Aiya would like to say, if doing dirty things like onerable Nijamudeen in toilet of public transport wehicle, do so wery quietly vithout unwanted noises and talking. Also listen for conductor asking to show ticket. Newer get too excited and porget situation and porget to listen to noises outside. This is how onerable Nijamudeen got caught. Below is testimoney of conductor of Colombo-Kandy express.
Onerable Nijamudeen is with woman inside toilet, while conductor comes to toilet door to check tickets.
Conductor: "halew, is someone inside toilet? You hawe ticket?"
onerable Nijamudeen : "yes...yes...!"
Conductor: "Ah, onerable Nijamudeen"...pause for while..."sir how are you enjoying train ride today? Is train serwice to your liking?"
onerable Nijamudeen: "Faster, faster!"
Conductor:"Unfortunately sir our engine now 25 years old, we cannot go any more fast, also we hawing lot of fat mudalali's and their fatter wives trawelling today slowing down train. Hope the trip is not too long."
onerable Nijamudeen: "almost there.."
Conductor, wery surprised: "yes we are almost at Kandy, I must say you hawe good knowledge of our train routes! Now sir I will hawe to punch your ticket before we arrive in Kandy..."
onerable Nijamudeen: "yes...yes...are you coming patiya?"
Conductor (thinking onerable Nijamudeen is a wery strange man to call him patiya and ask him to come into toilet to punch ticket): "ah...ok sir... i will come in then..."
And so the onerable Nijamudeen was caught with pants down. Boise and girls please do not do same thing, you hawe been warned!
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
Gossip aiya in glory days was asked to SSC (Soththa Sports Club) for Sri Lanka team trials. After weeks of looking at calendar, scratching head and waiting, morning of trial come. I put shining white cricket shirt and slacks (even with white Bata shoes and white jungi!),brush teeth twice with Link Sudantha, put powder in underarm holes, apply pol thel (coconut oil) liberally on hair until hair also shining, and jump on 102 bus as it go by my house. (This was in days before Gossip Aiya bought shiny red trishaw with tree wheels)
In bus i put a sat next to the window, to breathe the fresh clean air coming from Mattakulliya shanties. Next door to me was old man, chewing betel and scratching bollucks vigorously. Old man leans over me to spit out betel juice when bus suddenly stops, knocking old man onto poor Gossip Aiya. in slow motion i see long red stream of betel meant to go outside but instead landing on shiny white shirt! "yako thamusey magey lassana sudhu shirt eka kaawa, gong harakek!" i shouted (translation- "Excuse me kind sir, you hawe unfortunately dirtied my nice white apparel"). As you can see even in upsetting situation Gossip Aiya has respect for elders.
In sad mood, smelling like betel and looking like an ad for Sunlight (before wash) I arrived at trial, to the laughter of all the peoples there. Gossip Aiya thout the day couldn't get any worse. Gossip Aiya thout wrong.
Time came for me to put a bat. I nicely walked into middle, to face wery tall, wery mean looking and wery fast bowler. He was called the Panadura express (also the name of the bus he took to come.) He started running in like someone had stuck a skyrocket up his behind and had lit the fuse. At the last minute, Gossip Aiya realised he had forgotten his ballguard! Ammataudu, how to get out of this fix? Only one thing to do - I jumped away off pitch, curled up in a ball and covered defenceless bollucks with my bat. The ball came like a bullet, fast and straight, and knocked over middle stump. Out first ball. End of wery promising cricket career. But at least Gossip Aiya has both bollucks intact...otherwise what is there to scratch while waiting in Maligawatte three wheel park for a hire?
Monday, 18 May 2009
Euridays Gossip Aiyah wakes up to the same sound. The Sound of my wipe shouting at me for sleeping till the sun is shining on my buttocks. My wipe is very nice. She making good coconut salad, she washes me smelly saron, one time lon ago she even tried to do funny funny unmentionable things to me which was very fun. 10 months later we had son. After that she never try to be funny. The only problem my wipe is hauing is her mouth. It is like rusty salmon tin in a pin ball machine.
But today morning I was woken up by the sound of laughing people. As I lay in my gunny sack bed thinking about the my journey through the bushes to the toilet I wonder "kaudha yako" (who the hell) was making such a loud noises so early in the morning.
I get up iscratch my buttock and go to see what are happen. Ammataudu! Isuru malli has gotten drunk and fallen sleep on my door and as is the case with peoples who fall asleep in sarong, sarong had travelled a great distance. Isuru mallis rambutans were on public display. Huta pochchi! That is when I realized isuru malli is called "malli" not just cos he is small in years.
In other news I have caught the dog that urinated on my wheel. I decide to name him 'cat' and keep him as pet. That will teach it. Putting piss on my wheel.
I am now going to drive my tree wheel
Why not collect gas and sell to poor countries like Amarica? Gossip Aiya proposes business plan -
1)Tie siri siri bag around Isuru malli's buttocks and send to galle face
2)Observe Isuru malli on return, look at size of buttocks to see when siri siri bag is full
3)Remove siri siri bag. At this point it is important not to breathe in, or there may be temptation to drop bag and run outside holding nose and screaming "apoooooo gandhaaaaa". Also do not ismoke gold leaf while attempting this maneover
4)Tie siri siri bag and keep in almeira until shelf is full.
5)Put in trishaw and transport to BOI (Board of Idiots) and present plan to idiots.
If you also hawe cousins like Isuru malli please call and give address of whereabouts. But again please do not call during afternoon nap.
Gossip aiyah has also gane and booked his pacebook. In sri lanka these days it is be very hot and spicy so please become a fan to Gossip Aiyah. I will take you in my three wheel to bottle shop
Sunday, 17 May 2009
1)Do not give your money to anything with a key, be it golden, silver, bronze or made out of coconut shell. When key goes missing, how to open safe to take money?
2)Do not put money in "Golden" places, just because of name. Would you flush your money down toilet because the toilet seat is golden?
2)Do not trust a fat man, like Lalith Kotelawela, with money. Very very silly thing to do - he will take your money straight to Hotel de Hijra (5 star establishment on Galle Road), sit in the A/C room, and eat and eat until there is nothing left!
3)Do not put money on waters edge. If small breeze coming, money will fall into water. Gone.
4)Do not vote. If noone vote, no government. If no government, no taxes!
5)If you see a stray junglefowl on the road, do not just pass by. Put in trishaw and proceed to aforementioned Hijra. If you are lucky you will arrive just as fat man leaves after finishing all the chicken in the kitchen. Hijra will pay you princely sum of rupees 140 for each junglefowl for consumption in cheese rotis. Unless junglefowl has one leg, then only rupees 120.
6)If like me you like to run over people selling rambutan on side of road during season, always take their rambutan as you go.
For personal advice please call on mobile anytime. only don't call when i am hawing afternoon nap please.
However do not fear. Gossip Aiyah has tips for you to stay safe from the Plue
1) Do not have sexual or otherwise affiair with pig
2) Do not have sexual or otherwise affair with anything that looks/eats/ vaguely resembles pig
3) Do not blow nose into sarong. Not only does sarong get dirty but passers by will get a free screening of your juicy juicy mambalams
4) Do not go to a hospital. The health ministry has bought more expired drugs that might kill swine but side effects include severe cases of deadness.
In breaking news a dog has urinated on one of my tree wheels. I have bought a catapault
While children in western countries are encouraged to play sport during the easter break, childeren in sri lanka are forced to swallow dry buns, by competitive parents in a bid to win the village 'bun eating competition' (bunis keymey tharangaya). The victorious child is then shovered with more buns while the looseres are force fed bananas in order to increase their swallowing skills while wallowing in shame. Gossip Aiyah likes buns in all shapes and sizes.
Other hazadous sport include climbing the grease tree. This too has been banned and any man found greasing his tree will be arrested and severely frowned upon before being relocated in Putumattalan.
Gossip Aiyah would like to remind readers that i do not engage in any such pole greasing activities and would like you to refrain from such activites while in my trishaw
this is gossip aiyah coming to you liuve and assclusiuve from colombo sri lanka. This is blog. this blog will be your daily news into the happenings of the world and beyond.
i am yours forever with my trishaw and its three wheels