Friday, 24 December 2010

Merry the Christmas!!

To ol my near and dear Pans

On this wery pestiwe and joyus day op ol days, Gossip Aiya would like to wish you ol "Merry Christmas" - or as one vocabularitically challenged radio stashun talling, "Merry Kissmas". I set alarm today at midnight to wake up wipe and wish Merry Christmas, but bloody woman gawe me a tight slap and sent me on my merry way only.

I would olso like to take this opportunity to thank ol pans in the Rajapakistan and in the many corners op the world por kind pollowing and paithfully reading ol this bollocks i am posting ewery so opten in warious stages op drunkenness. I hope you are lauping as much when reading as I laup when I see Isuru Malli getting chased by mad dogs down Nawam Mawatha.

Today plan is to hammer bothal op coconut wine (brought by Nondi Dawid and not by coconut mafia) and put a paduru party with ol tree wheel buggers prom Maharagama tree wheel istand. Then we is to go around colombo in tree wheels, go near rasthiyadu buggers on side op road and throw crackers at them and laup. Ewery year these soththa buggers throwing throwing as I am going on hire so this year we hau decided to giu them taste op their own medicine.

In conlushun, Gossip Aiya would like to end with sapety message to ol pans. By ol means drink. By ol means driwe. But please do not drink and driwe. Espeshally on these roads - ip you hit pothole, bothal will spill olllll ower sarong and pront seat and your wehical will ismell like Dematagoda Distillary plant until February!

Ok now going back to sit on paduru bepore that drunken monkey Nil Batta pinises ol the coconut wine.

Dishum Dishum (falalalala la la la la - hic!)
Gossip Aiya

Tuesday, 14 December 2010

Sun shining, wipe whining

Now por those following my postings on the book op pace, you will know that poor Gossip Aiya hau been marooned on roop por last few weeks with dam curse op a wipe as whole house hau got the plooded por the rains. raining cats and dogs and all sorts of wild animals only.

Anyway, suddenly one day rain istop! Now por two days I waited still on roop to see ip this was what they coll optical illushun. Then i realise not illushuning me at ol but acutally rain istop. So came down and istarted cleaning house. Ol pots and pans gone in ploods, but most upsetting thing por Gossip Aiya is whole licker collecshun gone as almeira has pollen. 3 botals op Mendis gone. 2 bothals Lion extra istrong gone. Ol that is ok but bothal op Green Label Nondi Dawid gawe me prom Dutipree gone!! Aiyoooooo. Like old saying goes, "water water euriwheres but not a drop to drink."

Anyway bloody hard work cleaning house. But whenewer I am taking break to bend over and wipe sweat with sarong, dam wipe coming and iscolding "Here wat is this! such a big oaf you are but when it comes to doing housework you are as useless as a mongoose in a bakery." then she kicking my backside and shouting por me to get back to work. Apter three solid hours op this torment I had enup. So now I am back on roop. Wipe is looking por me but she will not think I am here tee hee hee

In other news, it seems Great and Noble King hau gone to country op Great and Noble Queen to giu ispeech only to come back with tail between legs. (Gossip aiya not pully underistanding this saying, as where else does one expect one's tail to be ip not between legs)

Anyways, apparently ispeech was named apter Kings paworite comedy film, and was coll "how to lose prends and imprison people". Unportunately there was big hoo haa and ispeech was colled opp as there was fears of someone throwing shoe or sock or other warious pieces of apparel at King. Poor King was pollowed by a mob euriwheres shouting mean things. Even peoples protesting outside SriLankan airlines oppice holding obsene signs like "Nashunal Carrier, remove Nashunal Cariya prom this country". Amidst ol this King ended up being trapped in hotel - at least if it was nice place then no harm, but onerable King has tried to save tax dollars by staying in some third class rest house coll "The Dorchester". Sin only.

Anyways now can hear wipe isnoring. It sound like walrus with sore throat. Must take chance to islowly climb down and run to licker istore and replenish supplies op the coconut water. Wish me luck!

Dishum dishum
Gossip Aiya

Saturday, 13 November 2010

IS no time like plood time

One fine day Vengaskar came, Another fine day gavaskar came, recently tendulkar came, but none of the bus*teds knew how to play the game. Today some clown called Sammy has come. The glorious cricketing nation of rajapakistan who hau recently beaten the kankaroo in its own jungular habitat so hard that they porgot how to jump, are coming back home to play some half witted lilliputs who smoke mari juana don’t wosh their hairs or backsides and call themselves west indians.( see even when a team other than india are coming to play cricket we call them Indians) For ol gossip aiya knows our buggers will go, captain with his new Jamaican accent and ol and will get hammered by these pool due to medical condishun known as overconfidenshi-itis. But that is ol depends on if they can get the gol cricket ground prom under the sea in time por the match to istart. In the very mean time oll the culumbo buggers getting very excited that black mans are here. Now gossip aiya is op very pair cumplextion but that dam fool isuru malli upcourse looks like he has pollen inside the bread bakery oven. So dark that even black man may in his funny language say “daaaaang homies youse is is blacks” anywhose some nice ladies come and wonting to putting pictures with this dam platypus-bottomside look alike man thinking he is prom said cirikate teams and even putting hiki hiki laughing while he was touching their backsides. Gossip aiya would like to say isuru malli is not available por comment putting as he has gone into public toilet house and not come back out. One can only assume he is “white woshing’ the walls.

In other news king is going to be re crowned for his second kingship. Fortunately recenent rain istopped or his holiness pirst tewrms would be king of rajapakistan second term king of rajapakispool. Like vennice but ismelly. But portunately rain istop and I hau been able to come down prom my roop. Not so portunately my buttocks now have like wavy wavy waves prom sitting on wavy wavy tin roop por too long. I wonder ip tomorrow morning the motions also will be waving.
Today short article cos not hau electricities. Gossip aiya very rarely putting serious but I must say please. Euen ip the woter has gone down and you don’t see the amudeys op poor buggers like me ploating many people have lost eurithing they owned. ip you can help please do otherwise in the coming days you will see me draiuing tree wheel in my birthday suit cos only saron has been woshed ( or I have given to wipe to cover her uglies)

Dishum Dishum

Gossip Aiyah!

Sunday, 26 September 2010

By royal (dis)appointment

Now Gossip Aiya hau been reading with the much amusemant about these "common wealth games". It happening this time in soththa chapathi land abowe glorious nashun op Rajapakistan. Pirst op ol, Gossip Aiya not underistanding wat the bloody hell these games are anyway. It is like the poor in-bred disabled cousin op the Olympic games. Only suddha Queen-lauing countries can take part. Also ol countries that Queen came and took ower during what is coll "colonisashun" period (ip you want to know more about this colonisashun istories talk to colonial cusins they will tell you eurithing). So basically Queen hau told these countries like Rajapakistan "here now I know we came and took ower your land, made you ol work por us, stole all your crops, did dirty things with ol your local village womans and ol these things por many years. Sorry ah. How about we allow you eury few years to come and jump ower sticks and run in circles with us suddhas? Supertop, you poor brown buggers will enjoy no?"

Dam hooligan only this Queen. They colling this "common wealth games" also. What bloody common wealth. These poor pellows prom places like Kiribati and ol hau to sell their house only to buy air ticket while these other buggers prom the New Zealand and the Ostralia coming ismiling ismiling with pancy cameras and designer clothes. In iswimming contests olso these buggers hauing state op the art pull body suits while some joker prom Samoa in next lane wearing a leaf around mambalams only.

Anyways, point op todays article is not to shout about Queen. It is to tell that Queen is dam istupid. Out op alllllll the countries in this so coll common wealth areas, why did they choose Chapathi-land to host games? What in gods name was that old womans thinking? Wearing big hats and crowns ol these years must hau impaired her mental abilities. Imagine one day she sitting on big chair and thinking "now there is a big country pull op one billion dirty, sweaty, stinky homa buggers, that send out channa masala prom backside on the bloody streets only without going to lat room like civilised peoples. I say, why not get these nincompoops to organise global isporting event por thousands op athletes? Sha what an idea!" Now op course Queen realises what a bad mistake that was. Only worst mistake than that was when Sanga bowled that cabbage-headed joker Isuru Udana in that famouse over in twenty twenty pinal against Pakistan when Shahid Apridi gawe him such a spanking that his arse was red por two weeks.

Anyways, apparantly these Indian clowns hau spent more money on this event than the Beijing and London Olympics and ewen Pootboll World Cup. And por what? The houses por athletes are in a worse state than my wipe's uncle's abandoned shack in Ussapitiya. Ewen the rats and cockroaches peel disgusted to liu there. In one house the false ceiling had collapse suddenly. Apparently builder had said "no matter, it was false one no?" Dam pool. They hau built big bridge to stadium, that olso kaput. There olso some bugger has said "is ok, main thing is the istadium hau not collapse". That is true...hau not collapsed yet!

And with ol this tompoolery, games is istarting next week. Our pellows prom Rajapakistan olso taking part. Gossip Aiya thinking that Noble King should write latter to Queen. Latter should say like this - "Hallo Queen. This is King. I know there is biiig problams going on in New Delhi. Why don't ol you buggers come to Rajapakistan por games instead? We can hold games in Shalika isports ground and athletes can liu in Bambalapitiya flats. I can send Mihin Air plane to London olso to pick up you and your big-eared son ip you want to attend." Hopepully that will work.

But ip Queen not accepting, my adwice to our athletes is better to istay home. No point trawelling to such third world countries and hau a false ceiling poll on top of head. At least in Rajapakistan you can see white van coming prom top of road so you hau time to run.

Dishum dishum
Gossip Aiya

Saturday, 10 July 2010

poot bool pever

Bodu ammo! So this is ol very busy time por Gossip Aiya. I am building roop in house. Some ismarty pants peoples might ask ‘here gossip aiya did you not hau roop ol this time?” Answer very simple. My roop hau gone on walk. Now gossip aiya poor man liu in simple house with roop made from tin. Tin mean not like araliya tin malu but tin sheet. When it is raining tin making din. Sounding like lead drummer op papara band getting excited and doing dirty things to drum with stick (drumstick not other stick). Dam curse only. When I am hauing hangower it is giuing such a headache I hau to go outside and sit in the dam rain only and wait. Only good thing about these unseemly noises emanating prom said roop is that cannot here wipe yelling at me, which is sound like cat being strangled with wire while doing unmentionable things to lady cat (soemtime called pussy cat but no need to be too much).

Anyway one day rain and wind wery the istrong. These times good por Gossip Aiya becos lot op business prom ol the dam pools that walk around without umberellas in monsoon season. Olso good por Gossip Aiya becos when nice ladies putting hire in rain, sometime back seat op tree wheel resembling "wet t-shirt contest" in the america they showing on websites which ask me ip i am over 18. The wery niiice. That day op course not so nice when Gossip Aiya came home to see roop gone. Wipe icolding and telling "see what happens when you try and be too ismart and put roop by yourself instead op colling baas! Such a cheap bugger I hau newer met in my lipe. Dam useless pello you cannot ewen tie your shoe laces how can you fix a roop? This time get a baas to come and fix"
So to be building this roop gossip aiya need lot money. Which not hau. But luckily this time of year Colombo nighty party lipe very busy. Ol these batta buggers hau come from par par away places ( not par par away like in movie “shak”, olthough some bugger do looking lot like that bugger only) with accents that sound like a buppalo trying to sing sunil saantha songs and clothes that look like what a paint baas have throw away. Some op these clowns euwen wearing sunny mirrors on their eyeses known as ‘shades’ even in the night time. Haio don’t know what to tell so I shut up my muoth and take them where ever they are wanting. Better drunk buggers going sapely in tree wheel than trying to put driwe and getting copped and hauing to donate towards the ‘policemans double distilled coconut arrack party fund’. So lot of hire day and night no time to put bog even let alone write blog.

On top op that poot bol is happening. I am not under ishtanding this game or why ol the pellows in columbo getting so excited. Rajapakistan not even playing in this world cup! Some soththa isport only with some homas with long hair running around. Then when someone coming close to put a hallo, they polling on ground like they hau been giwen knockout punch by john cena. Only explanashun is that other bugger had eaten some nice garlic curry with onion sambol and had put nice barp in pace. Anyway ol these pellows in Colombo jumping up and down supporting these jokers. Even isuru malli come to me and say he is supporting this team. He tried to say the name and ended up biting his tongue and displacing his jaw bone at the same time. He wrote it down on piece of paper and name was ‘corte d’ vor’ - luckily I did not try to pronounce or same thing would hau happun. Only thing I know about them are that they are a bunch of dark buggers running around in bright oraange uniform which making them look like the pettah boys ganssi club.

On top op ol this, king ispin bowler is retire prom the crickate this week. No doubt he has seen how the pighting cock suddenly going prom one Montero to twenty Montero in one month and tinks political much more better than putting tacktical time out in cirikate. Gossip Aiya hau olso heard that in great province of matara ruled by said pighting cock, two young people hau been arrest por putting kiss. This is very good. People should not be allow to kiss. Ispecially in the outdoors. Actually even in the indoors no need. It never ends well. Actually gossip aiya not knowing how it is ending to be honest. Kissing wipe will be like falling into a communal commode. Kissing somebody else will be worse as apter wipe finds out she will making sure I will not have the need for a commode ever again. The other day I heard her threaten neighbour apter he accusing wipe op stealing gotukola plant prom their garden, saying ‘puka mahanawa’ (literally translate meaning I will sew your arse) followed by many other creative words best not mentioned in public.

In other much more happy news wipe has got flue apter getting wet by sleeping without roop. This time I think it will depinitely kill her. I hau tied coin onto holy tree that her illness is not cured. But just to be 100% sure maybe I should put some rat poison into her luni miris. It will be good use op poison sitting in cupboard as we hau no rats anymore. One rat came to put a look one day, but choked on his own tail apter seeing ugly wipe and died. Apter that no rats. Luckily I hau no tail.

I would like to leave you with one very important thought.
Age is no barriya below the buriya, but if it is staying down like a barriya, find a couriya tell him to stop eating lawariya and bring you the remadiya. It is true and its blue, your lady will go woo hoo, but for a few hours, you wont be able to put chu.

Dishum dishum
Gossip Aiya

Sunday, 2 May 2010

Parlimant jokes

Halew and budo ammoo! So last month has been month of great scaryness for gossip aiya and the entire continent of rajapakistan. There hau been many hazards to the health of upstanding young pellows such as mysalp (now when I tell "upstanding" I do not mean under the sarong like upstanding, I know you dirty fellows straight away going under sarong. Chikey.) Anyways, pirst op all there was elecshun. Ip you did not get killed/beaten up/molested/chucked in a well/fed to a dog/raped in the backside or hung nakedly on the town lamppost during the elecshun times you must consider yoursalp wery lucky and calabrate. Thankpully I ascape prom such things. Unthankpully wipe olso ascape. Isuru Malli op course not so lucky. He like big shot told "Gossip Aiya you are pansy to be so afraid. I am not iscared op these goons they cannot do anything to me" and went around Colombo wearing green aliya cap. He was not so big shot the next day when some minister's gangsies caught the bugger and made him walk through nugegoda meat market wearing nothing but that cap to cover his own meat market.

So anyways elecshun over and now no more watching free tv for gossip aiya. Ol our poolish ministers think that the way to get vote is to tie a TV onto a van or somebodies building and drive around Colombo so that people can watch while they sit in traffic jams for some bigger minister to go and pass moshuns (not the loose kind but the parliament kind). This wery istupid. As ip peoples are so silly to wote por them just becos they can watch Malusoy adwerts while waiting at juncshun. Ip that were the case, Abans showrooms owner only would be winning with most preferable wotes.

So anyways onerable and noble King is winning because of some land slide. Not sure how that works but that is what they say on king tv (formarly knowns as the roopavahini or the harpic throwers media corporation.) Anyways now King is olso Finance Minister, Depence Minister, Ports and Aviations Minister AND Highways Minister. He might as wall take ol other main ministries and then he can hau cabinet meetings by himsalp while putting dump in toilat (although poor seceratary will hau to hold nose and take minutes). Fowzie hau been giwen Ministry op Disaster Management. Gossip Aiya think this should be giwen to Nodhakin as he hau had more than enup experiance in disasters. Son of king (prince)and state herb olso won and Dr Dutugemunu himselp has been put in charge of media. Now he can go and throw harpic and other heavy objects on the heads of euribodies who threw stones/red paint/harpic/beetle spit/used condoms at him 2 years when he went to put part in TV stashun.

In addition to this, pighting cock olso win! Now close pollowers will know that pighting cock is nick name gossip aiya hau given for great opening batsman from 20 years ago (who is still playing in team to giu others moral support). Hopepully he wont go to parliament and try to play too many big shots because we olready hau many attacking batsmans inside there. He hau to be carepul or king will bowl a doosra and get him out before the power play is even over.

While ol this is happaning in royal kingdom op Rajapakistan, the dam sudhdha buggers sitting in their comfortable chairs eating macdonalds complaining saying there is ashes euriwhere. What fools I don’t know! Ip they want to get rid of the ashes tell them to organize a cricket match between England and Australia. Whoever who wins will take the ashes and go.

Dishum Dishum

Gossip Aiya .

Sunday, 28 March 2010

eh? Khan?

These days ol ismall girls and boys crying crying in tuk tuk telling "Aiyoooo A Khan not coming A Khan not coming". Who is this Pakistani joker euribodies is talking about, I thought. So I asked Isuru Malli who this A Khan bugger is and why he is hauing problems coming. Then I heard this bugger is big hippity hoppity istar in the istates singing songs about doing dirty unmenshunable things ol the time. He was going to come to Rajapakistan olso but our champions in Porin Oppice hau said "here here you shall not enter our belowed island. We do not approwe op you singing about dangerous ladies and being disrespectpul to peoples." Olso in one wideo apparantly they hau shown womans in bikinis dancing around Buddha istatue. When I heard that I got wery angry. Who is this Khan donkey making pun op religions? He should be taken to Kandana and tied up and put on railway lines. Punnily enup, Isuru Malli had this wideo on his new mobile so I put a look to see (to see statue, not to see bikini ladies, I am not like that ok), to see this so coll "statue" is in background por not ewen one second. Pans can see pictorial. Now Gossip Aiya hau to make a pew comments about this -

1)Pirst op ol, apparantly this was pound out by some monks. Now I hau to ask, what were they doing looking at these type op wideos in the first place? This song is coll "Sexy Chick", what did they think it would be, a Bairaha adwert? This wery fishy.

2)Second op ol, what kind of banana-less jockistrap was able to notice some white looking statue olllllll the way in the back when they were some pirst class patta specimans in pront dancing around in next to nothing? Ewen when I was looking por istatue I didn't see because eyes were drawn to other places. It is natural thing. Whoever managed to notice istatue is obviously op the homosapian wariety and they should be likewise tied and put on railway tracks. Or sent to Opposishun Leaders house por pun time.

3)Third op ol, cannot be sure this is ewen istatue op Buddha. It look more like those white istorm trooper buggers prom those Istarry Wars pilms. Or maybe it is punny shaped cloud. I think this bent bugger is olso blind bugger. Better take him to optishuns bepore taking to railway tracks. ip taking to opasichun leaders house no need optician.

4)Porth op ol, I am not ewen conwinced that his songs are about dirty unmenshunable things. I went on googly and researched I pound song about our wery own local beverage! It coll ismak that. Chorus talling -

"Ismak that, ol on the ploor
Ismak that, giu me some more
Ismak that, till you get sore
Ismak that, aiyooooo"

This not dirty song. This talling about some clumsy bugger who going to Perera and sons and asking old man working in shop por smak. Then he dropping it on ploor. Then he asking shop man por another one. And then he dropping that one and the next one and the next one until poor old shop man's back is sore prom bending down to clean broken botals. then man is getting angry and telling 'aiyoooo' and going. What is so dirty about that? I think these so coll "monks" who made big scene throwing istones and shouting about this should get in their E class mersedes bens cars and go back to parlimant and shout at each other and leawe us in peace without making euribody else upset that they cannot hear Khan sing. They acting more like monkeys than monks. I cannot describe them only without being disrespectpul. The real monks are too busy doing good deeds and pracitising their religion to care about some pakistani joker singing about our sopt drinks!

But now never mind. Our king is olways thinking op us so therefore he has asked davit bakham to come and get ayuruweydha treatment instead. Por those of you who do not know this is great istar prom movie bent like bekham. so now instead of going por A khan concert euribodies can go and see vedamahhataya rubbing oil and istraightening davit

Dishum dishum
Gossip Aiya

Saturday, 20 March 2010

I am olso poetick, so I hau ritten limerick!

There was a nice girl prom Padukka
who sported a wery nice puka
with short iskirt and heels
she'd stand inside Keells
Looking to all like a hooker

A pellow came up to inquire
How much she would charge for a hire
She asked "What do you mean"
And made quite a scene
And caused the poor man to perspire

"No no" the man said, "you misheard
I asked you where you got that curd
I've looked all around
but none I hau found
So thought that I might put a word."

"ahhh" she replied "that's okay
now iscuse me I'm going to pay"
but while waiting in line
he slapped her behind
and ran out the door and away!

Tuesday, 2 March 2010

We hau Angoda, they hau Vancouver

Halaw! as is the customary custom when hauing pree time, Gossip Aiya yesterday went to Nondi Dawids. Apter a while i got bored talking to that nondi bugger and putting on televishun box. ammata udu! it was like that one time i switch on tv and saw some ourang outangs monkeys on some nashunal geografic channel doing things that they should definitely not hau shown on tv. In other words I saw King Kong going "bing bong" with his ding dong. Anyway that is another istory.

So what Gossip Aiya saw on the kingly channel of rupawahini was ewen worse. Pirst op ol it was shock (not electric shock but "huta pochchi" shock) to me that they were not showing wideo op king going around waving hands in the air like he is directing a plane to park at katunayake). Instead op noble king, on the tv they were showing some clowns who are looks like pathola pruits dressed in multi colour penguit suits jumping around in the isnow ol excited, just like "cat" when i show it rubber ball (pans will know gossip aiya hau dog name "cat"). I ask Nondi Dawid "yako! mona magullak dha mey? (what pray kind sir is this?)" I thought maybe some white man kissmass mowies when joblass white buggers and their childrans going into isnow and throwing balls at each other and singing some "falalalala" and waiting.

Anyways Nondi toll me this is not mowie but is isport colled "Winter Olimpicks". When I ask what the hell this "Winter Olimpicks" is he telling that once eury four years, ol joblass idiot peoples in suddha countries hau this big convenshun in some cold place where they get together and play in this big playground out op isnow and ice por one month. Then other buggers come and film and put ol ower world so that ol the fellow crackpots who could not appord the plane ticket to go can watch on televishun box and wait. And they coll this "isport" so that they feel some sense op achiewement and they get some medal por being better at playing in the isnow than the rest op the other clowns. I wonder, what kind of salp respecting man woman or animal would chooses do dance around in dam cold places like north pole until there flag pole is in no shape to grease any hole. They must be either the wery istupid or the wery drunk or both. But becose many peoples are learning about world prom Gossip Aiya bloggage, I thout must find out and tell pans more about this. So I put a googly search (while searching por kumaris) and pound some information.

Apter reading googly, I hau to say this "Winter Olimpicks" bollocks is the biggest waste op time and ispace in the isporting arenas since that soththa Kapugedera monkey started playing por our nashunal team. You know how when you are the ismol batta and some uncle coming and asking "Putha what do you want to do when you become big" you say something like doctor, lowyer man, mowie istar, or maybe cirickate player. In my case tree wheel driver. But in what kind op pruit cake lolipaddle would tell "Ah yes uncle now that you menshun, when I become big I want to go into the freezing isnow, put on tight suit so ol my mambalams and kolikutto ol outisde por whole world to see that they hau become rasins and tooth pick in the cold, go to top op hill, stand on 2 s-lon pipes and go down at 60 miles an hour hopefully not hitting any trees or dogs or potholes or pictures of the noble king on the way down"??? There are many other equially retarded isports in this Olimpicks nonsense, and I thought I would describe some op the particularly brainlass ones with you dear pans.

1)bobbing isled

Now i know moment you are hearing bobbing you are thinking down the drain thoughts, but this isport basically there is a tree trunk with ol the tree inside being taken out and only outside is there, colled isled. this is put on slippery ice islope and then soem soththa buggers push this thing till it going fast, and then JUMPING IN while it is going. we opcourse dont hau to go and preeze in the isnow to do ol that. we can just go and try to get into the private bus. Now anyways isled is going round and round and getting paster and paster, and this cart hauing no wheels but same s-lon pipe like things on bottom as par as i could see no brakes. These bloody jokers leaning prom side to side to make it turn only. I thought these suddhas are the ismart buggers, but ewen in the Rajapakistan we are hauing better system to turn. It colled the ISTEERING WHEEL. Maybe I will recomand to send man prom tree wheel garage in Maradana to go and fix one in the bobbing sled so those buggers don't hau to die.


Now in this so coll isport basically these buggers are hauing a broom like thing and sweeping sweeping some istone in straight line on some ice. In Rajapakistan we do same thing but it is coll "cleaning house". These sudhdha buggers think they are such big shots that they know how to use a broom that they deserve a medal around their neck. Ip they come here and see euri old ammi doing better than them they might not peel like such big shots. Bloody poodles only the lot op them. (By the way any peminist womans reading bloggage, let me claripy not only ammis should be doing the brooming. In our house por instance I do ol brooming actiwities. Wipe won't touch the broom or broomistick ewen ip ou know what I mean.)

3)Two man luge

Now this is most silly and ambarrassing isport I hau ewer seen in my long lipe. It seems to be a isport well suited to the gentlemans who like to clean exhaust pipes (in pact maybe apter Nodhakin pinally retires prom the politics he can represent country in this isport along with that islimy bugger Ashan at Aasiri Salon who takes par too much time applying cream on my pace apter I go there por a nice shawe). Anyway in this isport, man gets on isled and lies on his back, and another man lies ON TOP op this bugger olso on his back, and they go hammering down same track they do bobbing isled lying on top op each other. hopefully only isled is bobbing and private parts too cold to go exploring. otherwise pinis! The way I see it is an excuse to get away with doing these homosapian actiwities and hau peoples cheering you while you do. I looked wery closely and eury so opten the bugger on the bottom mowes his hips this way that way. Maybe he is using his gear istick to change gears.

Anyway, Gossip Aiya's advice por the day is ip after wotching this nonsence your childrans olso wont to go and putting curling and bobbing isled, tie them to the village well and make them watch the old ladies bathing. that will teach them.

Dishum dishum
Gossip Aiya

Monday, 1 February 2010

Nalla Idirikaalam!

Pirst op ol pans I hau to apologize prom my looong absence on bloggage. This constipashun has been due to a pew reasons. Unportunately (due to some reasons I cannot esplain due to fear op my bollocks being hung drawn and quartered) my sensashunal, unprecedented (or in this case un-Presidented) and inspirashunal politickal career was cut short. I wish I could tell ol pans about this but ip I do, then koli kuttu olso might get cut short. Then how to put hand party?

So I hau been in hiding in my house backside (because we are not liu near lake to go to lakeside) and waiting like a neurotic mongoose por the last month or so, watering my gotukola plants with choo (yellow water) euritime white wan going past gate. But now apter elecshun no need por me to be iscared, becos ol white wans are busy going and rounding up ol supporters op swan candidate. While on the subject, I hau heard that apparantly royal pamily last week has banned swan prom plying anywhere. That op course is wery istupid thing to do, ewen uneducated hoodlum like Isuru Malli knows that swans cannot ply. It is what they coll "plight-less bird" like the kiwipruit bird, the ostrich and the orangutan. (In this case op course our plight-less bird olso turned out to me pight-less. But kuru kuru of course not less)

Anyway, in light op ol the resent happanings in Rajapakistan, Gossip Aiya thought he must giu pans some adwice, otherwise they may olso get a wisit prom white van and get whisked opp to the Moneragala District and tied to a light pole in the middle of an empty paddy field ol night por crows to land and put fekal matter on head (like what happened to Elecshun Commmishuner on elecshun night. It olso explains the severe case op baldness he hau on his head). Olso might get istruk by the lightening (these days patrol istrike, tea flucker istrike, doctor istrike, so why not lightning istrike olso).

Anyway this adwice shall be known as the "Gossip Aiya Survival Programme", or GASP. The motto can be "Pollow GASP or you will soon be gasping por breath" or something like that (don't insult it is a work in progress). It reads as pollows -

1)The accepted greeting when meeting an acwaintance on istreet or in local watering hole (public toilat) is no longer "Kohomadha Machang", "Aiya/Malli how how" or "Ado keri balla thopi kohedha hitiye mey dawas tikey". Instead one must use the salutashun "Jayawewa", or in more formal settings (like Hilton toilat) "Obata Subha Anaagathayak Wewa". Pailure to do so will result in grawe suspishun, or first class tickat to grawe.

2)Paste picshure op noble king on back op tree wheel or pour wheel. Gossip Aiya suggests either the close-up op the pace showing mustash in ol its glory, or the pull length one with King raising hands abowe head and joining palms together like he is getting ready to diwe into Otters Swimming Pool. Can olso hau one op king making obsene pinger gesture.

3)Ip you are business bugger do ol dealings in pictures op royal family. Example. Olready kings pace on 1000 rupee note, then maybe u can create note using pace op state goat and Italian herb for 500 rs. Then maybe picture of river flower por 100 and rest op the royal family in whichever way you choose suitable.

4)Send message to euribody in oppis (or ol ischool prends ip you are a batta) inwiting to "Elechun Wictory Party". I suggest a blue theme. Eurione can wear blue and come, can hau in either Blue Elepant, Blue Lagoon, or newly reopened Blue Lepard club. Can drink Blue Label eat blue cheeses, and put Blues music (or ip you like to dance can put the Rytham and the Blues olso). Ip you are a group op teenage randy buggers, can watch Blue movies and wait. Ip not hau monies and no prends olso, then look at blue iskies and wait.

Ip you follow GASP without fail, I can say with 100% certainty that you will be pree prom any adducshuns. However there is istill a small chance that in spite op all this, white wan may come por you. In such cases, Gossip Aiya cannot help you. However, I suggest you pollow Isuru Malli's appendix to GASP, the "Last GASP Escape Plan", in which it is adwised that you lipt sarong and hook it barefoot down the road, shrieking like 4 year old girl.

Good luck, and Obalata Subha Anaagathayak Wewa!

Dishum dishum
Gossip Aiya