Clash of the tash

HALEW! Now these days ewen more than normal, euriwhere euriplace you looking you seeing pace op Noble and Onerable King. Only way not to see pace is to close eyes. But I try that once but realised this is bad idea, espeshally while driuing tree wheel. When I open eyes tree wheel going istraight towards soththa Walls ice cream bicycle man ismiling and looking at sky. Ip I hit the bugger op course he not so Jumbo Jolly. He might even put his cornetto in my chocolate temptation. But on plus side it might istop that dam annoying tune coming prom bicycle megapone, you the one no? I am the sure these STF buggers using that tune only playing again again in cell op prisoners until they conpess whatever they did (or most time what they didn't do)and they are sentenced to a lipe of picking up soaps in jails.

Anyway back to the point. Gossip Aiya thinking too many picshures op Kings pace all ower Colombo. Ewen in dreams seeing this man (other day por example king telling in deep dream voice for me to cut vuttakka). Anyway so other day gossip aiya go on hire Horton Place juncshun and there is enormous full length cutout op king. I'm sure pans hau seen, how not to see. It are so big the kings shoe is size of cherry QQ car.maybe can see prom top op Piduruthalagala olso. Pirst time I saw I got iscared and almost had accidant (same soththa walls man. dam nipple flicker pollowing me euriwheres). The cutout is op King looking into distance putting the regal looks and putting pointing pinger in obscene way at what seems to be Horton Place Indian Oil Patrol Shed. I think king is not liking the indian chapatis coming and puting patrol shed in our country apter what happen in cirickate match. Or maybe he telling his securities peoples to quickly take jeeps and mercedes cars and go and pill tanks bepore patrol tax goes up again and chapatis get angry and go on the istrike!

Another thing last week I put hire with some poss looking Colombo 7 bugger. Although hire only 200 rupees (bargain rate por taking prom top op Rosmead place to bottom op Rosmead place as he was taking dog por a walk. bugger lept dog to get run ower by walls man and got in tree wheel. i dont kno why) Anyways this man like big shot not hauing the ismall bills. So he giuing what he said was 1000 rupee bill to me to giu change. But this not 1000 rupee bill this something else, like child's drawing on note size paper. I telling "here sir I know you are poss Colombo 7 bugger and I am poor tree wheel driwer but are you taking me por a pool? What is this bollocks thing you are trying to pass opp as 1000 rupee bill? Giu me green looking bill with peacocks running euriwhere, not this rubbish" but he talling this is new bill. When I called ower passing broom salesman he olso telling that this is new one(now pans don't laup at me por not knowing this, I am poor man no. I not seeing such big bills usually). So later when I get home I take wallat and look at this new bill. I hau to say I hau newer seen such an ugly looking note in my lipe.( i pans will know i ahu seen my wipe recently olso). I hau seen porin notes olso (like when I took suddha bugger prom rushiya and other wierd places to wisit ladyboy establishmants) ip oll of those ugly notes were puttogether and a cow putting runny excrement on them they istill look better than this. Not only is King's mug on this note as well (putting look like Nodhaking is doing dirty things to him prom behind)but it looks like some colourblind mountain goat has designed it while partaking op illegal substances. There is some ungodly blue green yellow mixed colour like someone has eaten packet op jelly beans and put kabral all ower. Chikey. I am wery ambarassed to call this our nashuns currancy. Better to take Maldivian Rupiaah instead, before ol the members op royal family appear on the notes pointing pingers, picking noses and whatever other ungodly activites.

Only one thing I am wondering though. With King's pace euriwhere euriwheres, where is this so coll common candidate?? (Although I think it is wery bad to coll him a common bugger just becos he comes prom village, not like Nodhaking coming prom Fifth Lane) Euribody's talling this man only one who can beat King in upcoming elecshun, but I don't think ewen ip he walked past me in bookshop I would know his pace (ok ok maybe that is lie, I don't go inside bookshops). I think they should put his pace also euriwhere euriwheres so peoples can know who this bugger is. Lauly place to put would be in pront of giant king cut out in hortun place. then it will look like king making obscene pinger gesture to comomon man op opposichun (who olso incidentally hau beards on top op lip to filter the kola kendha bepore drinking. no wonder nodhakin never win even game of hop iscotch or rock paper sissor. he not hau top op lip beards)

Anyway ol this talk op elecshuns making Gossip Aiya thinking op running por Hand Party. Maybe I can run with Wickremabahu Karunaratna prom Nashunal Lept Pront as my Prime Minister. He can be my Lept Hand Man. So anyway what do pans think? Should I put a run? I hau some nice policies olso I will detail in next blog. In the meantime I am thinking pans on pacebook group should inwite ol prends so peoples can see my pace euritime they are going online. olso put click on advertisements so i can catch enupp monies to put poster euriwheres. Ip I am getting enup monies maybe can make ewen bigger cut out op me lipting sarong and letting rip nicely prom buttocks, and put next to Horton Place patrol shed so it looking like King has got the ismell and is pointing at me. Good plan no? loan liu the king!

Dishum dishum
Gossip Aiya

And the dame ran away with the shoo

Now gossip aiya hau no children (apart prom one son but this son is no longer son to Gossip Aiya apter he took tree wheel one day to go on hire in night when i was the isleeping and some old womans prom germans came por hire to go to beach wadiya, next thing i know he had hooked opp to germanys in old germans womans baggage becos those days the airport security not so the istrict and now is married to old suddhi womans and liuing in the germanys somewhere i don't know where and has not called or sent latter to my latterbox or sent ewen one german dollar in 20 years i am the wery upset when talking about this so will the istop now.)

Apter that though the Gossip Aiya hau had the no more childrans. This is dues to many reasons. Pirstly euritimes i am seeing wipe, little gossip aiya is shrivel up into a little bol and go inside and don’t come out por a long time. Secondly i am thinking this world is a too bad place to put a child into. I will tell why. Other day was watching cirickate match and then during lunch break putting surfage of channels. Some suddha childrans show coming with some big purples and greens punny looking dinosor like animal (looking something like mervyn silva) ol the kids calling "Barmy" or something like that. Maybe becos animal is a little mad in the brain areas (olso like mervyn silwa). Anyways this Barmy bugger is teaching these innosent battas very dirty song. Gossip Aiya got the wery oppendad, and por the benefit op good readers, will reproduce said song below. It go like this -

Cock a doodle do!
What is my dame to do?
Till master's found his fiddlingstick,
She'll dance without her shoe.

Cock a doodle do!
My dame has found her shoe,
And master's found his fiddlingstick,
Sing cock a doodle do!

Cock a doodle do!
My dame will dance with you,
While master fiddles his fiddlingstick,
And knows not what to do

Now Gossip aiya immediately thinking this is some of that dirty poetry songs they are putting inside the pilm holes at lido and roxy and other dodgy cinemas, but some mahattaya told me this one is childrans nursery song. Ismol batts these days go to monti sori and learn by heart this kind of songs only. This is the wery rong i think, this song wery the innapropriate por the ismall peoples to be singing. ALthough words seem the wery innocent there is wery dirty meaning underneath. I will explain song for ol you dumb buggers who are not understand, werse by werse.

Cock a doodle do!
What is my dame to do?
Till master's found his fiddlingstick,
She'll dance without her shoe.

Now pirst werse of this song is telling that some woman is removing his shoe until the master sir finds his fiddle stick. All lies only. She is not only removing shoes she is taking off all kinds of garments until the master is noticing a certain uprising in his pants. She isputting a nice istrip show ( like the kind that is happen inside poss nighty clubs in Colombo) por this dirty man

Cock a doodle do!
My dame has found her shoe,
And master's found his fiddlingstick,
Sing cock a doodle do!

Next werse ofcourse nothing to explain. Master sir has pound his piddleistick and wants the womans to doodle doodle with cock (not chickan cock but other one, no need to explain these things ewen to dumb buggers). What a dirty thing to say. Ip i ever said that to my wipe she wont bother looking for shoes to hit me she will hit me with the sink in the kitchens. Then dam fussy bugger wants the womans to sing also while doodle doodling with his private parts. I hau olways heard it is not good to tolking with your mouth pul but i guess singing is ok.

Cock a doodle do!
My dame will dance with you,
While master fiddles his fiddlingstick,
And knows not what to do

Last verse opcouse proving this master sir is a bit of a soththa bugger. Apter the womans did ol that dancing and doodle doodling with his middle stump, he could not split the two fielders and send the balls crashing to the boundary boards. Or to use other isporting analogies por readers prom the america, master sir went to ol the bases but didn't know how to hit home run. Soththa bugger was left playing pocket billiards and fiddling with his fiddle stick while dame lauped at master sir, threw shoe at him and danced away to doodle someone else. Should take his good for nothing fiddle istick and send up the rear end of a horse.

Now you ol know meaning op song you must protect your childrans and grand childrans prom these songs. This is a white mans plan to ruin our childrans. Don’t send your childrans to iskool. Keep them home and teach them life iskills like driuing tree wheel or plucking coconuts. That ways they will be sape prom ol these vulgar songs they are being teached in iskool.

Dishum Dishum

Gossip Aiya!

Night time is the wrong time

Now as you ol knowing gossip aiya poor pillow sitting in tree wheel all day with the plys putting plying lesson around my head. Driuing here there euriwhere, isweating in hot sun. Ol this i do to get enup monies so that wipe can eat the pood i take home and tell me that i am good por nothing nut job. Some mens complaining that euriday their wipe giuing them earpul when they coming home in the ewening time. They are dam lucky. My wipe euriday giuing 10 elepant size earpuls only. "Why are you coming late? How come you only brought home 500 rupees today? You think this is some dam joke? What am I supposed to do with 500 rupees, with eurithings so expensiwe? What are we going to eat? Hau you seen the price op piss these days? Op course you don't, whenewer I am asking you to take me to the market you are too busy watching cirickate match or scratching your buttocks and waiting in sarong in chair like King Dutugemunu. I'm sure you don't ewen know how much kilo op rice is. Price op arrack op course I'm sure you know to the cent, dam drunkard. Now giu the money and go prom here!" And on and on like that euriday. Dam devils womans should die of loose motion.


Anyways, euriday ewening time, Gossip Aiya wery tired apter putting hire ol day and abuse prom that woman, so happily going under moskito net and putting sleep. But last night, in spite op net, moskitos coming and putting party on my mambalams. Cant hit the buggers olso to get rid op them becos mambalams will get isquashed. So i lat them put party, but then I thout maybe they are dengu moskitos (since I hau hidden buckets op stagnant water in wipes room and cut holes in her moskito net hoping that she gets dengu and kicks the bucket. Not the bucket I put water in but some other bucket I think.) Anyway I got the iscared at thout op getting dengu fewer in the mambalams so thout I would go outside. And then I got idea sinse wipe was nagging about money money money maybe I can go and put hire.


At this time many porin and local rich peoples going to nighty clubs op calumbu like san si bar and white horse. These days olso there is one place inside a museum. This nighty club actiwities seem to be pamouse apter ischool actiwities. Gossip Aiya seeing all ismall boise and girls going and coming in those places. Some boy ewen come and ask me por illegal green colour substances. This boy trying to look like big shot with hair gelled up like he put finger in electric socket, and talking on expensiwe mobile pone, but he is ismall batta. I'm sure his mambalams are still safely nesting in istomak region. Anyway I tell him that I do not hau such substances, and that he should go home and read bedtime istory and go to sleep. I must say istaying outside those places, Gossip Aiya sees lots op things that ol the top class culumbo peoples are doing under what is colled the curtain op darkness.


One gental man i sow going in with two ladies wearing very ishort skirt. So ishort iskirt Gossip Aiya could see what under jungi she was wearing olso. Even though she is wearing nice cloths and espansiu perfume, rats seem to hau eaten her underjungi prom the sides. Only midal was there both the buttocks outside. Nice white buttocks also. Chickey! Gossip Aiya remember the back in the days when he was in village and paddy parmer used to wear similar under jungi coll amudey and dig holes in the ground. Those pellows olso thought it was very pashionable to dig holes with buttocks out in the open por whole world to see. Uncultured buggers. So anyways this mans going in with two ladies and coming out also with two ladies. Then he comes and gets into my tree wheel and ask me to take him to Duplicashun roads where he wanted to use the services of some soththa bugger istanding on sidewalk, dressed in luminous shorts and a brazier. The bugger wearing the lip istick olso and poking out his buttocks like hashan thilikeratna putting a bat. Although Duplicashun road one way, this bugger depinitely going both ways. Gossip aiya belief that such bugger should be hung upside down in the pettah bus stand and euribodies should collect the snotty prom the nose and paste on them. Walking around waving the buttocks like it is sum pendulum. And these mahattayas olso hau no shame going after these lady boise or whatever it is they are colled.


Olso what is happening inside these nighty clubs Gossip Aiya is not knowing. Mahattaya go nona go then mahattaya carry nona out and do unmenshunable things to her in car park and leave nona and go pick up shanty boy whose wagging bum and walking on dulpikashun road. While ol this happening, loud sounds coming prom inside like buggers making buriyani in the raheemas kitchen. Gossip aiya does not know how peoples are paying moneys to go and listen to that. Much better put casat tape of sunil perera telling i don’t know why.

But I hear this club lokkas making big money. Maybe I can also put nighty party club. I will coll it "Gossip Aiyas Nighty Party Club". Only selling arrack and playing song by sunil perera and sunplowers. Any 688 or other taxi bugger that comes near by will be shotted and then hunged. Only can come in tree wheel. Soththa buggers who get drunk at my club and go and pick up lady boise shall not be taken in. And pans are wery welcome, come come there is ispeshal 5 % pan discount on kadala and masala vadey at the bar.

Dishum dishum

Gossip Aiya

Back door exit

Now last the week in great nashun op Rajapakistan we hau the elecshun. Some ismall elecshun in down south areas, not big big one like one between King and Nodaking. This to elect what they call "Prowinshal Counsillers". These are not VIPs (Very Important Panditheyas) but SHIPs (Shape-ekke Important Panditheyas). These pellos in charge op not big things like army and porin appairs, but things like how many public lat rooms in local train istashun and things like that.

Anyway, this elecshun was was big wictory por betel leap party (King's party). So big that all newsreader peoples calling "land islide wictory" (Gossip Aiya not underistanding this, maybe some buggers putting wictory party on hill and one paaaaaat bugger jump up and down on hill and the land istart to islide.) This is the bad news por elepant party peoples. But main reason noone putting the wotes por this party is because soththa leader Nodaking is not hooking off like euribody wanting him to. He istaying around like bad ismell, like when Isuru Malli hauing pried kadala prom galle pace karaththe and coming into my house and letting rip like atom bomb. As I hau said in earlier blog, dippicult por elepant party to win elecshun while this jockstrap is there. Easier por Zimbabwe under 15 side to beat Australia nashunal team in cirickate match. Easier ewen for my hippoppatamus op a wipe to win Miss Uniwerse. So por those who support the elepant party, only way to win is to send this bugger packing, by the hook or by the crook ewen. So Gossip Aiya hauing an idea how to achiewe this.

Now Gossip Aiya hearing the gossip that this Nodaking is partial to the male porm. Now this seems wery possible espeshally giwen this pello's history (ip you do not know this read my blog call "misportune pawours the brawe"). Anyway so ip this is true, this is what you hau to do. You must send a nice big istrong good looking pellow to put line to him. Someone like the bugger prom the Black Knight ads, he would look the part, and he also looking no so kelingma istraight himselp. Anyway so get the Black Knight to put a seduce to Nodaking, until one day they hau rented room in Hotel Janaki or somewhere like that to put the dirty acshun. Now Nodhaking who is used to receiwing many awards , donashuns and so on will no doubt also want to be on the receiwing end in this situashun. So what Black Knight must do is to pretend to get ready to clean Nodhaking's exhaust pipe, but at moment op entry, instead op putting you know what, when Nodhaking is not looking, insert sky rockat, quickly light the puse, and hook it out op the hotel room and run away like joka is on pire. (One can purchase prom any street vendor in Pettah. Gossip Aiya reccommand the Alidong Rathinna brand as they our the wery reliable and garanteed to light. Make sure you purchase good size skyrockat and not podi cracker as that will not hau desired eppect.) Now Nodhaking will be so distracted by ol these nice peelings in exhaust pipe that he will not realise that it is not the Black Knight that hau entered, but indeed something that is used to light up the black night, until it is too late. Then when rockat is ignited it will shoot up exhaust pipe, resulting in a wery painful yet somehow pleasurable end por Nodhaking.

Now many peoples reading this blog might get upset that Gossip Aiya is talking about such desparate things as bumping someone opp. It is true I am usually wery harmless bugger and would not think op doing such things usually. However this is unportunately the only way to rid the elepant party op this bugger, since ol other means hau been tried and pailed. Only thing lept to do is to istab in the back - or in this case in the backside.

Dishum dishum
Gossip Aiya

School op rocks

Today while putting a relax I hau been reading the Daily News newspaper. It giuing euriday the daily news happanings in our fine nashun op Rajapakistan. Usually Gossip Aiya only reading the isport secshun, but apter horrible matches these days I thout today maybe look at dipperent sechuns instead op the isport page, I will cry otherwise.

So today I reading article in local news secshun it called "Model school bag". I saw word "model" and got excited so put a read. This article though nothing about nice saxxy models, but something entirely dipparant. In pact this article is a dam joke and the person who wrote it should be hung by jokas upside down opp flagpole outside townhall por the crows to perch and put bog on. I will copy sechun op article por my fine readers to see (my readers op course much more disearning that readers op this "Daily News" rubbish). Anyway it telling this -

After many experiments and analysis the Ministry of Education has introduced a model schoolbag for schoolchildren since certain experts have pointed out that a heavy back pack carried by schoolchildren could be harmful to their physical growth.

The model schoolbag has been designed in line with the steps taken by the Education Ministry to minimize the weight of heavy schoolbag. Accordingly, the model bag which comes under the back-pack model along with waist band will be available in the market from next year.

From 2011 only the standard model schoolbag will be made compulsory for schoolchildren. Having analysed many models, a team of experts including doctors were deployed by the Education Ministry to look into the issues related to heavy schoolbag. Subsequently, they have designed this back-pack type school bag.

“We considered and analysed many bag samples even from England. Having considered several elements, this sample bag was introduced,” Commissioner for Education Publications N.M.J. Pushpakumara said.

Additionally, heavy text books will come as volumes from 2011 as they have been found to be the major reason for a heavy schoolbag.

Gossip Aiya hauing the many problams with this article. Pirst op all it telling this new ischool bag coming apter many "designs and exparimants" with "experts and doctors". They do not tell who are these so call "doctors"...maybe they ask Dr.Pan prom Chinese Herbal Medicine clinic in Kollupitiya. What will he know about ischool bags? He will be good por making green tea and waiting only. Also what kind op experimants can you do on ischool children to see how dipperant bags affact the growth? You telling me that 10 years ago they gawe a group op boys dipperant types of bag, put heawy books inside and told them to go euriday with that bag to ischool, and now 10 years later they looking and telling "ahh that pellow there is the shortest so that bag is the worst. this boy here look at him is big and as tall as coconut tree in my brotherinlo's cousins estate in Monaragala so this type op bag must be best por physical growth." Op course this bugger might be big not becos op bag design, but becos his parents are also coconut tree size, and euriday he eating tree bowls op the Samaposha and waiting. Or maybe they experimantating by putting big istones and rocks in dipparant dipparant bags, and dropping the boys prom Worlds End and seeing which boy hits the ground last and then they tell that bag is best por carrying heawy things.

Then the article telling that the best ischool bag is the backpack with the istrap. They telling this like it is some scientipic breakthrough op century. What a bunch op plamingos! This Educashun Commishuner Pushpukamara should join the author op article on plag pole. It like telling "Apter many experimants with many experts and doctors, Gossip Aiya hau pound that ip you throw something in air, it will come back down and hit you on head". Euribody already knows the backpack is best without these ninny's telling in paper like breaking news. That why ol the battas in Maligawatta already going to ischool with backpack! Do these so call experts think that they holding Sathosa sili sili bags and going? Or maybe they putting books on head and going like woman going to collect water prom well? Dam pools.

But the best thing about article is at the end. It telling that they hau pound that heawy text books only making the bags the heawy, so they are going to istart making the ismaller text books. Ip you are going solve the heawy bag problam, then what is the bloody point ispending money and getting Dr Pan and a bunch of muppets to experimant and throw boys op cliff to see which design is better por heawy backpack?!?! This some dam hairy flea inpested horse bollocks only.

So now isport secshun making me sad, but news sechun making me angry. Maybe now I will go to word jumble to make me feel better, with my supir top iniglis iskills i am sure to smash it lept right and centre!

Dishum dishum
Gossip Aiya

Party Planning

Halew. Now some time ago I put bloggage about my political ambishuns to put party. Now recently while in lat room, I was thinking with all sorts of muppet shows entering the politics, maybe it is time por a decent down in the earth bugger like Gossip Aiya to get opp buttocks and istart with this party putting business. (Op course could not acshually get opp buttocks then because I was on bog sending some isso wadey down exhaust pipe. I am ispeaking in the metaforically ispeaking.) So put a nice long think on bog as isso wadeys were taking a long time to make appearance, and decided to put tree wheels in motion and istart Gossip Aiya's political carear.

Now many op you might be knowing that already in Colombo there is tree wheel driwer who is big shot politishun. He liwes in White House opposite Viharama Devi park. He is king of park. Not only virahamahadevi park but ol tree wheel park. He is Colombo Mayor. All other tree wheel driwers lau him and hau the lot op respect por this bugger. Bepore he became mayor nobodies thout this would be possible. Taxi driwers, wan driwers and ewen bus driwers maybe become politishun, but not tree wheel driwer. We were looked down on by ol other driwers like something wrong with our genital objects. Ewen on roads we get pushed onto sidewalk by ol other wehicles that are bigger than tree wheel. Only driwers that are ismaller than us are motorcycles. But ewen them we cannot push op road, too iscared. One day Nil Batta pushed two buggers on motorcycle opp Marine Driwe, to see they were STF buggers going on patrol. Somehow the joker had not seen the two big pistole pointing up in air. Maybe he thout they were something else and got excited. Anyway bugger got petrifyed and bepore they could get up prom sidewalk he hooked it like Isuru Malli with his sarong on pire.

What I am trying to tell is that our belowed Mayor hau been por us tree wheel driwers like that Presidant Osama bugger in the Istates is por ol Aprican-Americans peoples. (Although I do not underistand why in the Istates there are so many Aprican-Americans peoples. Why do Apricans peoples and Americans peoples like to get prisky with each other so much and hau the Aprican-Americans babies? Gossip Aiya not underistanding the bus istand.)

Anyway, getting back to the tracks. Pirst op all must giu party nice name. Not like soththa boring names op elepant and betel leaf parties. My party will Pragathisheelee Prajathanthrawadaya Surekeemey Deshapreymee Vamaanshika Tree Wheel Peramuna (PPSDVTWP), in Tamil call Jananayagam Kudiarasu Thaesatatru Edathusari Tree Wheel Daesai Kachchi (JKTETWDK), and in Inigilish is call Liberal Democracy Protecting Country Loving Leftist Tree Wheel Party (LDPCLLTWP). Symbol will be hand. Euribodies will know my party as hand party.

Now you must wonder what Gossip Aiya will do ip peoples wote por me. One thing I will depinitely do is istop ol these peoples sending inapropriate massages to electronic latterbox. They call it the ispam. It is wery annoying and it telling dirty things but not in exciting way. Todays even I got one such latter. With great dippiculty I open latterbox and look to see heading of email goes like this “enlarge your pe*is size 3 inches in length and width”. Chikey. Not only is this the inapropriate but also the wery misleading por peoples who supper prom the ismall koli-kuttu (otherwise call the "Pawkie-Syndrome") and who are interested in such emails. Euen ip genital wand is size of magi noodle ip you increase width by 3 inches even horse will run away when you go near. You will have to spend money to hire some bucket like isuru malli to carry your wand around. So gossip aiya want to become king to catch people who sending these latters and send them on sight looking tour of siri siri lanka and leawe them in Wilpattu and go.

Now lunch time over no time to rite about party policies. Will do that next blog. But don’t porget, when putting wote, put hand party.

Dishum Dishum
Gossip Aiyah!

I don't know why!

Now our glorious team of Rajapakistan hau recently lost to a bunch of poached kiwipruits (I tell they are poached becos their nice suddha complecshuns hau become the red like ripe rambutan in the heat). We are losing to those soththas not just once, but once more apter that! (that mean the twice por the intellechshually challenged readers.) Dam shame no. great nashun loosing to a pruit. That is like Amaradeva losing singing competishun to a potato plant. Chick witharak! I thout those kiwi buggers are only good por doing dirty things with sheep, not the noble game op the cirickate. Only isport they are playing is some dum isport where you are trying to go porwards but throwing ball backwards and going, and players lifting other players up above the heads and looking up their shorts.

Now opcourse in the morning time when I am sitting on the bog area I am thinking of ways to making the world a better place por you and por me and the entire human race (apart prom bugger next door opcourse I want him to die but that’s a story por different day), so todays I am thinking thinking why our great cirikate team is playing like the devi ballika under 12 girls basketball team. Hoppfully some jockstrap op a cirickate selector bugger is reading this, so maybe my adwice can halp you do job proparly.

Problam is this. Prom the very pirst bigining we are istarting with rong poot porward. Now let me try and explain this by telling istory so ewen selector idiot can understand. Now long ago I used to hau a pighting cock (cock meaning chickan, i know you peoples thinking dirty things straight away no). Anyway, it was the best pighting cock in whole village. Euri pight it is winning winning, ewen beating cocks twice as big. He is wery pamous cock, ewen peoples prom next door villages coming to watch him pight. But then it islowly got old and istarted to loose some pights but istill good pighter. Then he got ewen older, and he become not so good pighter, but I thout newer mind he can istill pight. I made big mistake and sent it to pight one too many times and it ended up as chicken curry next day. Cirikare pollowers must be knowing what I am beating the bushes and trying to say. The great old man has got to go and take up commentary posishun where he can sit next to that goon ranjit pernando and continue to say things like ‘ THE india hau the very stong batting, THE dravid, THE tendulkar, and even THE gambhirs’. Ip he too old por that also, he can sit on side op road and polis peoples shoes with his shiny bald head.

Second op all our selectors hau to get over their unlike op the Kandamby. He is very goot cirickate player. Little bit pat but ip he is not allouwed to play the game and run around chasing boll how will he ever get thin no? Ip our Capitan Cool Mr.Ranatunga played and he the size op jumbo sausage roll 24 pack, then this bugger depinitely not too pat to play.

Third op all I will tell istory about another pighting cock I haued. This cock I thought was good pighter so I put and put in pights. But when he pight, he will put one or two nice attack but then lose and run away. But I kept giuing him chance thinking one day he will pight good. But he keep losing and losing until evenshually he also eneded up in curry. So like cock number two, that cotton house(Kapu-gedara) hau got to go and come back when he has grown some cellular matter inside his head cavity. When gossip aiya watch pirst forty cirikate match and saw cotton house play kakki shot gossip aiya got so angry and throw kadala in the air (then had to spend the rest of the inning picking up kadala. Dam devils woman that wipe wouldn't ewen giu halp)

Pipth op all we hau to bring in the big Maharoop (por peoples not watching so much the cirickate he is the tall black girappe-like looking bugger with neck like turtle) . He is the very pine bowler and he hit the ball also hard. It a shamepul shame that he is only there to keep the benches warm. As shamepul as bathing in the naked in the village well. At least Kandamby can do good job op keeping bench warm with such an opulant set op buttocks, but this Maharoop bugger is thin and bony.

Gossip aiya must say recent cricket perpormances making him very sad and angry at cirickate team. But that is only because I am big pan. I will ending today with some wise words uttered by Sri Lanka Cirickate Number One Pan the great percy abeysekara (pondly known to Gossip aiya as percy uncle)

“I love you srilanka, I love you I love you I love you. Until I die I love you, thopilata avurudu 25 cheer keruwa mona magulak dha yako mey koranney? (I have been cheering for you for 25 years what bollucks cricket are you playing)

Ip ol else pails and selector jokas don't listen to gossip aiya, only one thing lept to do to awoid the white washing in third game. Go to team hotel night bepore game and giu kiwipruit bus driwer nice arrak bothal and send him packing. Next morning go like bus driwer and instead op taking team to istadium, driu buss keling the istraight into the beira lake. Don't misunderstand i will keep doors opan por them to iscape so they won't drown. But prom iswallowing the beautipul clean beira lake water, they will surely contract some jungle illnass prom all the loose moshun the shanty buggers pass in lake, and will not be able to play por rest op tour.

Dishum Dishum
Gossip Aiyah!

Bad cop, worse cop

Halew. These days lot op things happening in Great Nashun op Rajapakistan. Now ushually when somebody getting the caught doing the bad thing, like drinking and driuing the wrong way up Duplicashun Road in ischool trappic, or trying to take money prom ATM machine by showing toy gun ( as if ATM machine that istupid!), they hau to be taken to polish istashun(pamous istashun is in the garden of cinnamon very nice ismell). However these days when we go into polish istation the pellos working there make the criminals outside look like the bamby deer in the head lights ( this is prom new ingilish cartoon i hau watched on my DeeWeeDee player and no i did not watch blue pilim like some of you told). Wery sad istory when ismall ciriminals are in the cell playing tag with cockaroaches while bigger ciriminals holding piss toll and baton istick and lauping at those poor buggers and waiting.

Other day I went to polish istashun with Nondi Dawid to get polish report por his new job (putting oil paper wrapping on jinadasas thalaguli), and the big man there asking por 2,500 rupees to giu report! Dam cussard bugger. So had to go to ATM (not with toy pistole but with isuru udana credit card from BOC) to take money to pay this panditheya. Poor Nondi Dawid was going to use that money to buy the ispectaculars as his eyesight these days the bad (just yesterday he telling "Gossip Aiya your wipe looking wery nice today"), but now that money going por the big polish elepant to eat malupan. By the way ol peoples talking in wery istrange way to big man. They talking like "Yes oh I see mahaththaya, no oh i see mahaththaya, tree bags pull oh i see mahaththaya." Why they saying oh i see ol the time? Maybe they were the drunkened, apter ol it was day apter poya and they hau alot op conpiscated moonshining alcohol to dispose op.

Anyways thankpully our Great and Noble Ruler His Exellency King op Rajapakastan is taking drastic meshures to istop this unruly behawiour. He hau setup new Bribery Commishun to inwestigate these bent polish peoples (bent meaning underhand peoples, not bent meaning those inclined to cleaning exhaust pipes). But ewen these meashures I think are still palling short op the mark. Just the other day Gossip Aiya hear one pello working at Dematagoda Polish istashun hau been caught by one Bribery Commishuner por taking 1,000 rupees to release man who was caught plashing priwate parts at ischool girl. However this polishman managed to get op the hook by bribing the Bribery Commishuner!! So Gossip Aiya hau learnt the two things. Pirst thing, in puture I should always check por polish bepore I raise sarong and plash at passing ladies, or wallet will be emptied and wipe will clean my exhaust pipe with broom istick. Second thing is that in order to istop the Bribery Commishuner prom taking bribes prom polish pellos who take bribes, a new Bribery Commishun should be appointed to inwestigate the pirst Bribery Commishun. But the new bribery commishuners should not take bribes prom the old bribery commishuners that had taken bribes prom polish pellos who took bribes. Maybe then Nondi Dawid can get his 2,500 rupees back and big man can be put in prison so ol other prisoners can laup and tell oh i see and wait.

Also I am the hearing that our nashunal treashure, the wery beautipul actress who enjoy very much running on beachy side is joining the politicks. Ol this time when peoples telling she is doing dirty things with politishuns and all I newer beliewed. She is too beutipul and innnosent to be doing such things with politishuns or anybody por that matter. Like unspoiled plower only of papaya tree. But now I underistand the reasons for all this hau been the edukashunal purposes such that now she hau single (or double) handedly masterfied the artistical art of the political set up. Anyway I will depinitely wote por her 10 times ( with all my ten pingers) ip she goes por elecshuns. She is great example to ol the young ladies in our cuntry about how par in lipe you can get with vishun, determinashun and committment. And plastic surgery op course.

Dishum dishum
Gossip Aiya

putting hommage!

Recently one mister Samson posted this on my holy and sacred wall of pan.

"gossip aiya, i heard through the grapevine that you are actually gay and that you fancy isuru malli. this is why you dislike your wife so much and you never actually show us a picture of her, but you show one of isuru malli. quite a few people are talking about how you like it from behind...is this true?"

Now gossip aiya tired of all these buttock warts telling telling euridays that i am the homa (op the bent wariety, latin term homo sapian). Just because i am not doing daily dirty things with the wipe (better to do dirty things to a bees nest) does not meaning i am not liking the womans. In pact the other day i went on the internet and saw not one or two but three womans doing unmenshunable things to each other with the aid op warious neparious pruits (and wegetables) and all sorts of electrical applienses. My goat bunda!!! All this was highly ‘uplifting’ to be saying the leastest. Also last week I was putting hire to nice looking young lady in wery rewealing top. So rewealing in pact it rewealed that she had porgottan to put the inside underwear. Ammataudu euritime going ower pothole jiggling jiggling like two jally puddings. So Gossip Aiya put detour opp the main road telling i know short the cut, and went on ol ismall bumpy bumpy roads putting looks into side mirror at eury opportunity. Almost crashed tree wheel into bullock cart also while looking. Imagine hauing to explain that to wipe!

So this should be proving that i am indeed istraight like lasith malingas bowling arm (not like thats soththa harbajahn sing).

Also you telling some garbage about not putting pictorials op wipe. There is two reasons popr this. Pirst reason is whenewer I am coming near wipe with anything resembling camara, she taking cooking ispoon and coming apter me telling 'don't bring those evil eye mashines into our house'. She must be the knowing how ugly she is, that why she doing such things. Other reason i am not ewen taking hora pictorials op wipe and putting up is that ip i show you picture of wipe your junior samson might shrivel up and go into hibernation, therepore i do not show.

Now gossip aiya is vary modern person and sees nothing wrong with people who are like to bat for the opposite teams, but i is very iscared op them. I am so iscared that one day isuru malli called me a ‘homa probe’ (or something similar) and i gave him one nice patas slap just because i thought it sounded a bit wrong side. I am so iscared of the such peoples that everytime i am istanding up and not sitting in tree wheel i am keeping plank of flywood board across my backside to ensure that my sacred anal shrine is not violated by any brown nosed mongooses.

So dear Samson, i hope your queshchun hau been answered and in puture would advice you to think with your head rather than your buttock before asking silly queshchuns. Dam hooligan. I would advice all pans to urinate in sili sili bags and send to said individual so that he will learn lesson of not insulting poor innocent pellows like Gossip Aiya. In conclushun i would like to wish that the flease of the thousand camel infest your nether regions and your hands are too short to pluck them off.

Dishum Dishum
Gossip Aiyah!

Window shopping

Now maybe pans remembering I put adwertismant up on blog some the time ago about pinding a job por that useless twit Isuru Malli. I am the wery the happy to report he pound job as window cleaner. I am not so the happy to report the dam pool hau lost job as window cleaner on same day. Bloody jockstrap. You might ask how anybodies could manage to get pired prom job where all you hau to do is apply soap and water on peace op glass!! Well as is usually the case with Isuru Malli, his unequalled randy-ness led to his downpall. Like a chiwawa in heat humping a table leg only this idiot is. Anyways let me tell you istory.

So Isuru Malli was sent to poss big Colombo 7 house on pirst day to wash windows. Big the two istory house where wery poss pamily liuing. So he put water and the soap in buket and now washing washing windows. As he washing liuing room window he put a peep to see inside op house. Biiiig pictorial op pamily potograp hanging on wall. In potograp he see the wery nice lowerly looking dawter there. Sha a wery nice spesiman, the wery curvashus and giuing wery seductiwe lookings. So now Isuru Malli looking at fotograp and waiting, thinking dirty dirty things, until huge brute op a driwer Gonapala comes and giwes a shot and says "koheda balanney yako, thopi awa janel hodhanne ne, ay nikang maluek wagey kata arala inney? Wade karappang neththam palayan methening dhan kala kanniya" (translation - where are you looking sir? You hau been the commishuned to clean the windows op this residense, not stare open-mouth like guppy piss. Please go back to your appointed duty otherwise kindly leawe this property.) Isuru Malli jumped, almost putting boggage in sarong. "Ah ishorry ishorry mahaththmaya. I was just putting think about how to wash second istory windows, I am not tall enup to reach, ewen on my tippytoeses."

Driwer Gonapala reply "Moda haraka (good man) there is a ladder in shed por you to climb and wash. No wonder your job is window cleaner. your mother must hau taken your brain to make brain cutlets when you were ismall. Now take ladder and go!"

Isuru Malli thout op telling that Driwer Gonapala cannot appord to talk like that when his job is to go round and round in circles on road like rat in maze, but then thout better keep quiet otherwise might end up in Nawaloka accidant ward. So Isuru Malli take ladder, tie sarong around waist and climb to wash upistair the window.

Now as he washing he putting look through window, like the nosey bugger he is. He seeing wery nice badroom, with pink fluffy pillos and all. And euriwheres the potos op this girl with dipperent dipperent poses. Ammataudu this must be nice girls badroom, thinking Isuru Malli. Just as he thinking that, door opens and girl comes into room prom the showering in towel! She sits down opposite mirror and istart brushing op the hair, with backside to Isuru Malli. This bugger almost hauing heart attack, thinking must be birthday, kissmass and avurudu presents all rolled into one.

So this woman sitting in ismall towel brushing brushing, now Isuru Malli eyes like two dinner plates istaring istaring and thinking unmenshunable things, lipts sarong and now putting hand party. Chikey what a prisky bugger, I know you are thinking. I am thinking same. Anyway so now he consentrating so hard on this lady he dropping bucket with isponge water and all and not ewen noticing. Now Driwer Gonapala hear noise op bucket palling and coming to see what hau the happened, when he see this joker's pace against window putting hand party.

"Ado val balla, thopi athey gahanawa dha??!! Inna ko mama dennam wadey!!" (Here are you putting hand party?? Wait i will giu you properly now) and Driwer Gonapala now also lipting sarong and coming to climb up ladder and hammer this pello. Isuru Malli got such a shock he jump. Thankpully one hand (not hand putting hand party) was holding ladder so he not pall opp ladder. Unthankpully, ladder also jump when he jump, and now it istart palling backwards. "Aiiiieeeeeeeeeee" he shouting as he palling palling and then dadaaang he pall onto ploor underneath ladder. Now euribodies in house, shef, maids, ewen madam op house coming running por the noise, to see this soththa bugger the istuck under ladder with wery sheepish look on pace, bucket and isponge missing, and koli kuttu istanding at attenshun por the whole world to see. Meanwhile Gonapala hau gone to get broom and come, and now holding it like wisikaththe and coming towards Isuru Malli like that Gobson bugger in pilm "Brawehart". In true Isuru Malli istyle, he riggled under ladder and hooked it down the road yelping like chiwawa (not chiwawa in heat but wery iscared chiwawa), sarong still tied at waist and plashing all and sundry on Rosmead Place.

Needless to say that was end op Isuru Malli's career in window washing industry. Now the bugger again coming and saying no money and istealing ambulthiyal prom my kitchen. Dam pool.

dishum dishum
Gossip Aiya

(mis)portune pawours the brawe

Today this pool Isuru Malli comes with a big ismile on his pace and istarts rolling on the ground around my tree wheel. Eh bola I am thinking isuru malli has got mad cow disease. Then he explain to me he go and read his horoscopes and man in white sarong and beetle leaf stains ol over has told him it is bad time for him and rolling around around like rabid dog is good for his starry starry stars. Dam cabbage of a pool.

Anyways on this topics, I hearing that one man of portune telling origins has predicted that our great king His Excellency Ruler op Great Nation op Rajapakistan will only rule till the end of September. This was told to opposishun leader Nodhaking at party conperence (more about Nodhaking later). Under the democratic system currently in place in Rajapakistan this silly man was immediately arrested and fed to the lions (even though the lions didn’t have much after the police were done with him). So now gossip aiya hau question. This silly man who can see puture of our great king was not able to see his own puture after making such a silly statement! Maybe he needs bipocal spectacals. Even gossip aiya knows better than to say such things about king. Dam pool.

Anyway now I hau istory about opposishun leader. Many peoples are under impreshun that Nodhaking is man, but in pact he is no-man (no-man means not man but also not woman. is in the between. Not 'he' or 'she' but 'it'.) Next time you hear it ispeak listen the carepully and you will realise no man on earth moon or sun could sound like that, unless his bollocks were being the isqueezed like pilawoos shef isqueezing lime gediyas to make the lime juice. Now Gossip Aiya will tell you istory about how man became no-man.

One pine day Nodhaking had gone to parlimant to put parlimant seshun with members prom his green elepant party. Now when I say parlimant seshun I don't mean when ol buggers sit on two sides, flap their sarongs and insult each other prom across the room. This seshun was drinking seshun. Por those who are clueless, euri other priday in parlimant is drinking seshun. That is why police are closing roads, so drunk ministers can istop on side op road while going home to put kabral (the pukeage) without anybodies seeing such disgracepul behawiour.

Anyway so Nodhaking went por seshun. Apter two shots op baileys (the wery istrong licker) this bugger was hammered and could hardly the istand. Thankpully these days there are onerable MPs (Monk-ey Politicians) that do not consume the alcohol (as ip they ispill it will stain their sappron robes and euribody in the tample will know what shamepul things they hau been doing). So Nodhaking was leaning on this MP por the support. Now MP oppered Nodhaking to put a drop in his new duty-pree E-Class Bends (usually used por taking food to poor areas but once in a blue colour moon MP uses also.) But when they were walking to car, he tripped ower onerable MP's sappron robe and bepore anybodies could halp, huta pochchi! he pallen into lake. Then disaster istruck. Water isnake seeing Nodhaking dancing around in lake come and bitten his koli kuttu clean opp thinking is tasty isnack sent prom Gods. So apter that only man hau become no-man. Dam sin only.

Anyway this Nodhaking is big looser. Now Gossip Aiya not trying to be the ismart, this is pact. This is leader who hold world record por most number op elecshun depeats. Could not win elecshun ewen ip candidate prom other party was a convicted cereal rapist whos campaign was run by his dog. (However that being the said, a person op such esteem only is now running in up and coming local elecshuns por kings party in royal borough of kotte. This is wat makes us such glorious nation, that ewen peoples that hawe killed, raped, swindled, kidnapped or robbed other peoples are giwen chance to redeem themselves by becoming politician under our national "criminals rehabilitashun program".)

Pinally must giu update on home pront. Today wipe hau gone to motherinlos house. Very good I can hau some pieces of mind. But the devils woman hasn’t cooked me anything and gone. No money to eat prom posh establishment of pilawoos also so hau to cook. Dam pain only. Must close all doors and windows before performaing womanly act of cooking or naybor buggers will put a lauph.

dishum dishum
Gossip Aiyah!

Pace of a buboon

The halew. Now gossip aiya very busy man but while driving wheels of three I sometimes ishtop nears by the kollupitiya abans showrooms and watching crickate on the plat iscreen. Sometime these places are very crowded and dippicult to see as ol other tree wheel driwers and rasthiyadu buggers like security gards prom mack donal's place next door also watching match and waiting, but I hau solushun por that. I go into middle op crowd, islowly islowly raise sarong, and put a nice loong ismelly part. It what you call "silant but violant", or what i call "no sound but so profound". Ismell like rotten egg pactory hauing gas leak. Euribodies run like atom bomb has been hit and Gossip Aiya can watch cirickate in peace in one piece. (You might wonder how come I can put parts on demand. Well there is two reasons. One is always I am hauing some dirty roadside pood in stomak so always there is build up of methane in nether regions. Also I hau been practicing the art op the part por many years now as exit strategy prom domestic abuse. When wipe is iscolding iscolding i slooowly let one rip, and when she gets the whiff she runs out op room gasping por breath like drowning elepant seal.)

So I hau been pollowing recent cirickat wictories op glorious nation of Rajapakistan ower soththa nation op Pakistan. (sorry por any pakistan peoples reading this blog but you will hau agree, your team play like bunch op drunk pig farmers in heat.) But one thing i must say. Pakistan team hau some op most ugliest specimans op human nature I ewer seen. I thought Indian team was bad, but they looking like isuper-top models compared to this group of hillybillies. The prime example is the Pakistan wicket keeper. Now por those readers who not watching cirickate (shame on you and your pamily) I will describe his face. It was so very scary that it was like white van had suddenly come and park next to my tree wheel. Somebody watching my reaction when they show his pace might think I have seen isurumallis genitals on the tv. But no I have seen those, those are more funy than the iscary. But by goat! His pace looked like a 17th century commode which had not been flushed or cleaned since the day it was implanted. (you know the type which you hau to put a isquat and do and do). I do not understand how the king of rajapakistan hau put ban on showing ismoking, drinking, baby making and anything fun related on tv but still allows them to show this mans pace. Mouth like upside down paraw fish caught in hook. Chik witherak. Any childens who see it will become mentally ill and one day go to school and shoot everyone with a catapult. Chikey! Not like gossip aiyas beautipul pace.

Ispeaking about his majesty the King and his bans, this week King put ban on the adults only movies showing at 5 star cinema establishmants. These days op course Gossip aiya wont be affected by these thing because now hau past internet por usage during hand party seshun. Can put download op high quality mowies to watch in comport of own home. The last one I watch was Nil Batta's suggeshun op movie called "Anaconda". Unportunately I did not enjoy as it was mowie about actual snake, not what I was expecting. But bepore internet I was going going euriday por night show at Roxy theatre bepore going home. They used to show such classics as "Princess of the Night" and "Forrest Hump". Where are all the poor pellows going to go and clean their pipe lines if ol these places closes? But after seeing that commode face Pakistani cricketer op course, pipe might be like melted s-lon pipe for a long time.

I also hau heard rumour that king is going to put stop to sellage and consumerage op the alcohol ishpirits. Appataudu that will be the end op universe as we know it! On ol that is holeful this must be istopped. Otherwise no more mendis for gossip aiya. I will be like ship without sail. Like raa Danial without daval Migel only. Ip this bannage happens I will be forced to wote for the ladyman in the opposishun house.

A Very concered dishum dishum
Gossip Aiyah!

Kaudha bole Jim?

Now these days Gossip Aiya getting the pat. All the time istopping por eating at Pilawoos, Hijra, Raheemas and other posh establishmants whenever passing. Do not underistand why all good pood places in siri lanka hau kitchen and toilet right next to each other. vary opten dippicult to tell them aparts as both are equally clean (or in most cases equally dirty). But anyways the pood it is better than that rubbish my wipe makes por me. Recently even her kos mellum taking like puss mellum.

Anyway now problam is that these days I going to these places ol the time. Becoming the bad habit. Sometime ewen when on hire I hau to ishtop and eat. Some time hire getting angry, ewen though I offer to buy isso wadey por them. So as a result op eating and eating now getting pat. Big chinese rolls appearing on hips where earlier only ismall spring rolls. Now when I standing cannot ewen see toes because belly in way. (Other parts op body op course I hau not been able to see when standing por quite some time, don't misunderstand. That's why euriday putting hand party to make sure said organ is still there. Must note that said organ has always been Chinese roll and never ispiring roll.) Now you might ask, "Gossip Aiya you are anyway a pat bugger. Why are you getting worried about becoming patter when anyway belly is size of Dalada Maligawa?" Indeed there is benepits to becoming wery pat. Now stomak so big that there is no room por wipe and me both in bed. So she iscolding and iscolding but going to other room to sleep. Pirst time in 27 years I am isleeping in peace without that dam woman! Down side is when I putting walk people telling ‘ah there look gossip aiya is taking his pot for a walking’. Dam sons of cockroaches!

But there is bigger problam. Becos op extra weight, mileage op tree wheel getting less and less euriday. Even though rajapakistan king is try and try vary hard patrol prices still the high no...ewen gone up 10 rupees last week in spite op my ice cream oppering at Kataragama. Bloody joke only. Engine also sounding like man dying prom swine plue when climbing hills these days.

So yesterday I tell Nondi David about problam with newly pound patness. He telling to go to someone called "Jim" at Pitness Kingdom on ischool lane. He saying his brother Kondi David went to Jim when he became so pat that wipe would not do dirty things with him, and Jim made him thinner. ( whether thin or pat my wipe not wanting to do anythings with me. But that is not bad thing). Anywayside I am thought ‘ammataudu this must be some magic sudhdha like prom movie potta harry’. Niyamai! (the pantastic!)

So I go and go looking for Jim in place called pitness kingdom. (I thought maybe ill meet the king also there but he was not there. He must hau been on the temple tree house.)

So gossip aiya lipting sarong and going in. ammataudu I thought I had entered the mars (for all you godey buggers mars is planet like earth and moon, not chocolate). Peoples bending in all sorts of unholy ways like putting pooja, peoples sweating and the grunting and putting the snotty all over the places, while hauing backside pointing towards the moon. One dam pool was the panting panting and running on some alien machine but not going anywhere! Aniva defa this jim man was black colour magic man. Wery scary place. I thinking op leawing when some tall bugger with musskaals the size op Maskeliya ask me ‘mokadha yako’. Now I want to leawe but how to ignore such a big fellow, might get hammered. So i thout maybe can talk to Jim to see ip he is black magic pellow or good pellow like potta harry.

"Here appuhamy where is Jim? I hau come to see Jim."

"This is Jim sir."

"You are the Jim? Where is your magic istick? And where the white skin? You are as brown as Pilawoos toilet ploor (or kitchen ploor, not sure which). You are not Jim. Don’t be putting the talks from the backside."

"No I am not Jim. This is the Jim."

"What do you mean 'I am not Jim but this is Jim'. Are you trying to taking me on a wild mongoose chase on a full moon day you dam fool? Take me to see this Jim now without wasting my time you buffoon"

"Jim is here sir. Jim is not a person."

"Jim is not a person? Mona magullak dha? So what is he then, a chimpanzee? A tropical bird op some sort? Speak sense you bloody cow"

"Sir Jim is euriwhere in this place. Here is Jim. There also is Jim. That is also Jim. This whole room Jim Jim Jim euriwheres. Would you like to join Jim?"

Ammataudu...just as i thought, some black colour magic only. Devils place only this is. Jim is not a person, Jim is evil spirit, all these muscly Maskeliya men must be priests and all these peoples in funny tight rubber clothes bending and running in one place worshipping this Jim. And this bugger asking ip i am wanting to join Jim? Epa! I am thinking better get out op this place bepore the people in rubber cloths put rubber gloves and do an unporgettable magic class on me. So just like I coming in I am lipting sarong and running out. Ran and ran and ran from those scary looking muscly Jim-priests. Maybe that is how Kondi Dawid lost weight prom running away!

So word op adwice to all readers op all sizes. Better to look like preganant buppallo than go to Jim, no matter what any peoples say. Now I must go and put a word with that commode faced nondi david.

A wery scared and quiet dishum dishum

Gossip Aiya

Rectal Cardio Bronchitis

Pirst of ol gossip aiya thinks hes is going to die. Apart from being a threewheel driver gossip aiya is also a selp proclaimed hypochondriac man. Last time I had a loose motion I ran around convinced I had the buttonic plague. However my recent cause of griep is neither cholera or my wipe ( who we shall not go into details about, the cunning annoying babbling bi*&^%.......better stop). So I have caught my death of flu. Now this is all very embarrassing. How am I going to face people once I am dead. People will want to know how I dided and how shameful it is when people will say ‘oh he got a cold and died’. That is like saying I fought with a mosquito and lost. People will think I am a top class soththa bugger. So I have deviced cunning plan. I have asked doctor friend to give me some names of illness and thereby conclude that I now have rectal cardio bronchitis. Symptoms are high pever and a couph
During my period of illness and going to get medicinal medicines from the dottor I have noticed that sri Lankans have a severe hatred for anything that vaguely resembles a queue. Sri Lankans are more ‘funnel’ people rather than queue people. If you have ever stood in a queue at government or otherwise hospital you will know. euribodies push like it is a contest. Ip Olympics hauing pussing contest sri lanka will finally be able to win a golden medals. The other day I accidentally stepped on some old womans foot while waiting for dottor and that old prune thought I was ‘ making a pass’ at her. Chikey! Better to go and make passes at rotten jack fruit. Anyways she and her umbrella had their way with me for the best part of ten minutes. This did not do any good for my rectal cardio bronchitis.
Apter getting the medicinal medicines gossip aiya did not drive tree wheel. In addition to not being able to stand istraight I didn’t want to give half of Colombo rectal cardio bronchitis. This did not make wipe very happy. So I watch cricket(this also did not make wipe happy) and I have seen a very interesting poster at the games. It goes “mohammed you-soop’. Now if your going to insult someone and the best thing you can do is call them item of food, atleast consult village elders and learn how to put ispelling. Soop is ispelld S.O.U.P. Otherwise you sounding like village idiot infront of whole universe. Or call them something you can ispell like ‘bunis’ or ‘wattakka mellum’
Also I have been requested to write more spicy stories so here goes. Specially for you I got nondi david to bring to my bedside an extra spicy chicken and cheese kottu. It was so spicy that I think this morning I set fire to my lat room. It was like Hiroshima and Nagasaki had done dirty things and had a baby. My poor backside must have been singing song by sister knowns as jessika mauboy called 'burn' ( please be putting a googly search if you are unaware what the hell tinkle bell is going on) luckily I take fire bucket to the toilet at all times. (as shown in picture. Pictorial copyrights crazylanka.)
So ladies and gentlemans please refrain from getting bitten by mosquitos always use good night mosquito coils so that you will wake up with rectal cardio bronchitis like my good selp.

Dishum Dishum
Gossip Aiyah!

Road trippage!

Pirst op all Gossip Aiya hau to say wery big "ishorry" to all pans for silence these days.

Ishorry.

Reason por this is I put trip the last week to some dam village without the Anna Dunna iSpeed Line (ADSL). I ask and they say only hauing the dial up. I told "Yako I don't want to dial up people i hau mobile por that, I need ADSL to put bloggage por pans" but they no understanding the bus stand, giuing me blank looks and waiting. Third class backward buggers only, not like us ingilis speaking Colombo peoples. When I came to village, all buggers putting looks lept right and centre at me like they newer seen tree wheel bepore in lipe, only bullock carts. (I later realise i hau biiiig tear in crotchal region op sarong. Maybe that why looking.) Anyway so I thout I would share experiances prom trippage. Wery boring trip but since euribody kurupying asking "Gossip Aiya why no bloggage" I thout better write bepore pans leawe to pollow Isuru Malli or some other soththapala.

Anyway i will start prom start op trip. Now that sad excuse for a woman I have married always on my case saying I am not taking her on pilgrim trip. She saying she wants to go and feed flowers to statues other than the ones at our local tample. Jobless woman only. Instead of feeding flowers to statue the dam woman should be feeding me, but no. Anyway to shut this devil woman up I thought I will take her to cater village ( knows as kataragama by the non ingilish ispeaking polk) so now pumping pull tank patrol to tree wheel and going. Going going going going. Istill going istill no cater village. Huka pochchi this place very par! Thankpully engine making loud noises so i could not hear wipe's yakking like yak.

Finally we are getting to town of tissamaharama. There be big tample vary nice. Under tample all the pellows wearing joka and bathing in drain like thing. Ammataudu. Gossip aiya also peeling hot and wanted to put a baths, but not wearing jokas. I ask wipe ip can bath without joka but she gawe kaney shot and shouted insults at me. But I use my isweet talking iskills and manage to convince one mudalali to giu me his apter he put bath so I can put bath. I wanted to at least dry joka a bit in sunshine bepore putting but wipe told no time. Chikey but what to do, better wet joka and bath than no joka and no bath. So wore mudalali's wet joka and put bath. (By the way Gossip aiya looking vary sasky in joka. Ol the peoples were putting a look. Wipe very jalus.) Apter bath put driwe and pinally got to tample of cater village.

Tample wery the nice tample. Gossip aiya notice euribodies taking basket op pruit and going inside temple. I ask shop man 'mokadha yako mey? (please explain kind sir?) I did not understand what he told properly but I understood that it was for some kind of seremony in the tample to make high up gods happy and ask them for favours in bad times (like when cow is dry, chickens are eggless, child is sick or mother-in-law is healthy.) So gossip aiya ask man 'mey, is the big man inside a pruitytarian? only swallowing pruits?" man look at me like I was trying to do dirty things to his cat so I leauve shop and go to other shop.

These days bad times por Gossip aiya, so thout i would also do seremony in tample to ask por high up gods to reduce patrol prices. But i hau very ishmart idea. so I think with my ishmart brain 'ahh no point taking pruits big man must be tired of pruits. Must take better thing. Ip high up gods happy with me i can ask for another pavour like ask for wipe to be eaten by leopard'. So I go to shop called 'kataragama hotel' and buy one roast chicken, one rice packet one gold leap cigarette and one ice kirim tubs. (don’t misunderishtand gold leap was por me not por anyone else). Ice kirim was por big man to eat with all the pruits. Pruits taste better with ice kirim. So i put seremony and ask por pavours. Now must wait and see what the happening with patrol prices.

With other pavour, I thout to make it easier por high up gods i would put detour past yala (where many leopards the liuing). I tell wipe 'now darling i am taking you to yala sapari park to see nice beautipul animals watering themselves in watering hole'. And so now going going to Yala.

So we arriwe in Yala but problam. they not letting me go inside park becos i am in tree wheel and not pour wheel. Huta pochchi. No driwing near leopard and turning tree wheel past so wipe palls out. Leopard will hau to come to Colombo and eat wipe only. I was also the looking porward to going and seeing buppalo sitting in mud puddle. But that one not big deal. Can just watch news and wait por them to show parliament pictures, all sorts of wild animals there.

So had to go back but getting dark and only place to stay is some seedy rest house. I hau to share single bed with wipe and because there are 2 other pamilies prom kataragama in the rooms, the place all smelling like pruit salad. Should hau istay in maligawatta. Atleast could hau put drank with nondi david.

Bepore I go must say the roads in the down souths parts of the country are the pantastic. Gossip aiya go to maximum ishpeed of 4 istroke tree wheel. Gossip aiya also saw so many pictures of the king that I think I will be seeing mustache and red iscarp in my isleep also. King king king euriwheres. And also here and there picture op state goat.

On that crab shell I will istop

Dishum Dishum
Gossip Aiyah

Galle road, tars is putting, minister also going, we ares also going, you arse also going!

Today ewening Gossip Aiya was roaming around looking for hire and scratching bollocks (wery hot day and Gossip Aiya wery sweaty), when he saw old old man close to expiry date putting hand out signalling por me to istop. I istop. Thank God pinally hire. The man took about halp hour to get in tree wheel, coffing and weezing. I was wondering ip this dam prune of a man has swine plue. I ask him where he want to go, and he say he want to go to kanatta, hawe a puneral to attand and he was wery late. Gossip Aiya say "I say sir, wery bad porm to get late for your own puneral, people must be waiting por you!" I laup. He didn't laup. I also realise maybe I was a bit too ismart (ismart mouth, not ismart arse). Now peeling bad.

So now going going going and try to put on to cemetery roads. Mala keliyai! Trappic in pront istop. No can go. I put head out of tree wheel and politely ask army bugger with big gun 'mey mokaddha yako?( kind sir what seems to be the problem). He pointed gun at me and I put head back inside very quickly. Some very important panditheya (VIP) must be going this way. I try to rewerse back, but already other vehiculars behind. Huka pochchi. Now stuck waiting for Rajapakistan king, state goat or some other minister to go by along with all the other bulletproof vehicals our bustling economy can appord. No wonder buggers are scared of peoples killing them when they make half the country wait in cars por them to go and buy maniyoks.

So now stuck por almost porty-fiwe minutes in trappic jammage. To make matters worse, old man in back of tree wheel is now coffing and ispitting all ower back of trishaw like a man possassed. Cussard bugger not ewen bothering to spit outside onto road because op joke i made. Main thing is i hope he doesn't hawe swine plue, or Gossip Aiya seththa pochchi!

So while sitting and waiting por goons to go in tinted jeeps, i thout of some ideas to keep one occupied during trapic jam. As the peoples pavourite mode of transport I thinking 'ah I should tell euribodies about my discoveries'. here are a pew things you can do -

1) put head outside of tree wheel and istart singing 'surangani' or 'yaman bando wesak balanna'. hopefully other peoples will join, and can hawe nice singalong. If army bugger points gun put head back inside. Istop singing. Go to options 2.

2) go to wehicles and take bets on which particular VIP is going to buy maniyoks. then go to army bugger and ask to find out who. Ip army bugger does not know make up a name. you will become rich man.

3) This one requiring some praparashuns. Go to kollupitiya market where there is always parking attadant in green uniporm. tap on shoulder and point at the isky saying "look at the isky". While attandant is looking at isky steal the uniporm and run like isuru malli. When you get caught in trappic jam, put on uniporm and go prom wehicle to wehicle handing out parking tickets and asking por money. Ip somebody making fuss, wave to army bugger with big gun and point to the driwer. Ip driwer liking head on top op neck and not in lappage op pront seat passenger he will pay.

4) Ip you are tree wheel driwer do the pollowing - put head outside tree wheel while on mobile phone, and crane neck as ip looking at front op kew. then suddenly pretend to cut call and wery loudly start tree wheel engine dishum dishum and full cut wheel. Depinitely next door driwer will get excited and put engine, then car behind also put, and like that put put put put put until euribody behind put. then turn engine back opp and get back on phone like nothing happened. Euribodys conpused not knowing what is the happening, except you.

Ip all this pails park in the middle of road and go to bakery and buy two malu banis and 2 kimbula banis and whack while you wait for dam fools to go and buy maniyoks and come.

Dishum dishum

Gossip Aiyah!

Party Putting

Some time ago on juicy juicy mambalam bloggage Gossip Aiya was putting talks about his politics party. Gossip Aiya is not big pan op Rajapakistan king, also not pan op Rajapakistan nodaking (ip you are not understanding the busstand please reper to earlier post entitled "Counting (Dead) Crows". Thank you come again.)

So I hau lot of pree time when putting rounds around Asiri looking por hire, or sitting in tree wheel park scratching bollocks and waiting. So in pree time Gossip Aiya thinking lot op things - por example how long wipe will liu, or why kulasekera in cirikat team.

One day Gossip Aiya putting thinking about uselessness op king and nodaking, and how I could to better job in temple treehouse. I hau lot op ideas to improwe country. I was telling Nil Batta about ideas and he also thout they were wery pantastical. “Machang,” he told, “pakshayak hadapiya, api chandey danawa anniva deffa!” (translation – Good man, put a party, we will put wotes anytime!). Other tree wheel driwers also agree while nodding head like drunk goat. But this is big comitmant, so like all big politicals peoples doing, i am going temple, mosque, church and pinally kowil asking por sign prom God whether i should put party. As I walk out op kowil, one crow came plying plying ower and put toilet droppings on head. Huta pochchi. Because I was in holy place I didn’t let filthy words escape from mouth. I look up at crow, thinking of whether to get catapult prom tree wheel and hammer when Ammatasiri! This no ordinary crow. This crow pull black, but one peather in tail pure white colour, as white as plags on top of Siripadha. I think, "This ispecial crow, not dead crow, but holy crow. So I thought "ammataudu! God himselp has sent crow to make signage on me."

But ewen God is iscared of wipe. So next I had to get wipe’s blassings. So I bought nice basket of lawariya (sri lanka isweet, cheaper than chocolate) prom woman sitting under tree, nicely ispray air preshner under arm holes, put extra pol thel in hair, put joka (which I borrow from nondi david) and go home. Putting nice ismile i go inside. Wipe is cooking kos mellum. I go and put hand on shoulder. Wipe got shock and turned around, and gawe patas slap across pace. This also I thought was a sign from God. Normal day she would have chopped something off.

“What is this dam nonsense!?” said wipe. Then she looking at me up and down. “Why you ismiling like jackass? Are you constipated? And what the hell is that dam smell” ( I hau told bepore no wipe very unculturedpul don’t know nice things)

“No, sudu” I reply (although wipe is anything but sudu, she is as black as burnt watalappam pudding). “I am just happy to come home to such beautipul wipe as you.” (I was hoping God was not watching, otherwise Gossip Aiya get one way ticket to the Hell place por telling such big lies) “See, I bought lawariya also to show my lau.”

Wipe took lawariya and look. Again gawe patas islap. “Gas balla!!! (gossip aiya will not translate as this is wery dirty prase.) You ispent so much money on this dam lavariya?? When I ask por money to fix leak in sink becos water going euriwhere in kitchen you say no money, when I ask money to buy onion you tell cook without onion, but you buy lavariya and come? Am I to paste this dam lavariya on sink leaks?? Do u hau brain in backside even?” Wipe think por a second. “Last time you brought me gipt you had lost your joka because of gambling, and time bepore that you drove tree wheel into wesak decoration. What idiotic thing did you do now you dam baboon??”

At this point, Gossip Aiya realise that wipe is in shuper dangerous mood. Maybe it is time op the month – thought op asking but maybe not good idea.

“No darling wipe, I hau bought gipt because today something the pantastic happen.”

Wipe looking wery suspishus. “What what is this you are talking? Kiyapiya (tell me quickly) I hawe things to do!”

Ammataudu most depinitely her time op month, but then again euriday like time of month. So I tell her ishtory about crow and God and Party. Stupid woman pirst thought I was going to hau dance party, not politics party, and gauve me another patas slap.

Pinally when she got it inside her cashewnut sized brain, she say “Moda mussilaya! (also unmentionably bad bad word) Hau you been out in sun too long?? Or has driwing ower potholes all these years turned your brain to jally pudding? You istupid pool, you think you can put politics party? You see a punny looking bird and think it God? Don’t know what ideas that halp-breed group of ismelly third-class Maligawatte nitwits hau put in the inside of your ismall head. Budu ammooo I don’t know why God curse me with such a good por nothing idiot por a husband! Go prom here bepore I hammer you with this cooking spoon! Get out! Where are you taking that lavariya, leave that and get out!”

Gossip aiya very upset, walking like lost balloon. Then bump into that dam fool isuru malli, but luckily he had botal so we go to nondi davids house and put drink and decide to put politics party without telling wipe. As usual iscared about wipe, but ip Gossip Aiya becomes king, he will hau power of army navy and air porces so maybe I will hau chance to go and get rid of that devils woman!

But por now I hau to go home and try not to get killed.

Dishum Dishum

Gossip Aiyah!

Temple Trees

There is old sri lankan proverb that the pish dies becos of his mouth. Gossip Aiya's pather used to constantly tell this to me when I used to be smart with him and he could not think of a good come back. The telling op this prowerb to me was usually accomponyed by patas shot across pace. Although these hammerations were dippicult to handle, now thanks to dear father i hau wery decent mouth, unlike potty mouth of wipe. Her father (dam third class drunkard) was too busy putting line to village women at the well to bother about daughter's behawior. Had i known true nature of the man earlier i newer would hau married into that cursed pamily...but that's another story.

So..."the pish dies becos op his mouth". Now por this saying to hau serwiwed so many years, there must be something true about it, but Gossip Aiya pails to understand where truth lies. Pish is not died because of mouth. The pish is dies because of pishing net and pisher man. When the net is put, mouth or no mouth pish is catch. After that gone. Straight into ambulthiyal.

But gossip aiya must agree to a certain extent with old man who thought of such proverb. People in general have very big mouths. And when I say big I don’t mean big as in big enough to be able to fit two cheese kottu one malu banis and two egg roti ol at the same time. Big mouth mean talking poppycock nonsense euriday. Like one treewheel driwer in park, who says he does dirty things in back of tree wheel with ewery hire that goes in his tree wheel (Gossip Aiya hopes por his sake he means ewery female hire). Anyway this is most depinitely a fabrication (that means lie, not something prom garment factory), especially since this particular bugger smells like horton place patrol shed and has pot belly the size of pregnant woman. This kind of big mouth that results in people thinking you’re a 'ismart arse' (another saying Gossip aiya does not understand. If your trying to be too smart you must be called ismart mouth, not ismart arse. If your backside can do the accounts for ariyapala stores while writing a screenplay por new Ranjan Ramanayake pilm then you should be called a smart arse.) Now one might ask why suddenly I am thinking about big mouth peoples. Something that happened to poor Gossip Aiya today only put all these thouts in head.

So gossip aiya is very religionful man. Euri poya day I go into garden, look at pull moon por hours and wait (good iscuse not to go inside house and hau to talk to wipe). Euri Sunday I drive tree wheel to church (mainly to catch a hire apter serwice pinis) and on Ramadan time I eat lot of buriyani (although all year I am eating lot of buriyani, not only Ramadan time). So today I go to temple with wipe because she wanted to feed flowers to a statue or something of the sort. Silly womans.

Now temple is peacepul place. This particular temple hau lot of temple trees (apparently Rajapakistan king liwes in treehouse there but Gossip Aiya hau not seen). Anyway in temple lots of peaceful things are supposed to happen and you should be able to hau peaceful thoughts.

But this fine day I sit down under temple tree, bathe in jasmine stick smoke to become peaceful (and drive off dam mosquitos) when I hear three womans talking very loudly. Now this is the too much. Peaceful place these womans are putting talks about how the next door man is reading the papers without shirt and how the mason baas next door winks at them while showering in his jokas. Chikey! What kakki thoughts to put into holy place. So gossip aiya got very angry I go upto them and go 'YAKO! KATA WAHAPIAU, wal geniy!' (directly translated this mean 'my good ladies please refrain from such talk in this holy and sacred place of worship. Thank you)

Then huka pochchi. These uncultured village women started hurling all kinds of abuse at me por eurione to hear. The abuse was so bad that the statue would hau choked on the flowers my wipe was trying to feed had it heard. I also got very iscared. Tried to run away but that dumb woman wipe of mine had heard the commotion and come running up, hitching up white sari and with look of death on pace. Whereever there is a pight you will find my wipe. I should name her Waliyalatha. So then she started shouting at them and they back at her and at same time wipe is shouting at me and other peoples in temple are shouting at them and me and then the priest started shouting at eurione until poor Gossip Aiya's ears were ringing opp the hook. So I came home and thought I should tell about my esperience. If you are thinking of going to temple with lot of trees don’t go now. My wipe is there with her big mouth. I wonder how long it will take for her to notice I am missing.

Dishum Dishum
Gossip Aiyah!

Ado Fdo!

Goshipp aiiyaaa....ishmall problemsh here,
next door neighbor girl reports to the polishe that im a peeping tom!
polishe com to mii housh and beat me senselesh. mii lips are swollen, ii cant say Sh (s).
Wot to do aiiya, shall we kidnap her for the kinndi vade of going to the polishe?

Sa Fdo Fliibwoii


Halew. Pirst op all Gossip Aiya wery conpused by your good name. What is this Sa Fdo business? Sounds like Aprican tribal language name, like Pumbaa prom kingdom of lion (in case you also conpused watch Lion King and you will understand the bus stand). But then you are saying your name tom. Now ip you don’t even know your own name no wonder the police hammered you!

Second of all, Gossip Aiya must say no matter ip your name Pumbaa, Samba, Tomma or Kurumba you must not peep. Ip you must peep, Gossip Aiya has prowided two option (not Janashakthi which is Full Option). Pirst option, please call Gossip Aiya to take you on hire to Majestic City in night. On fourth floor of this said city is 3-star establishmant (even Gossip Aiya thinks its a bit dodgy) where for paltry fee of rupees 150 (plus tree wheel hire) one can peep and peep till one’s heart (and other organs) are content. Second option inwest in wery past internet connection called ADSL (Anna Dunna iSpeed Line) and peep anytime dayly nightly ewer so rightly pree of charge (but hawe to pay monthly charge por internet). You can use Internet Explorer to explore the many dipperent types of lauly ladies, or Firefox to peep at foxy ladies whenewer the mood strikes. Now depending on frequency of peepage you hawe to decide which option (Majestic or ADSL) is best to suit your needs.

Also ip the police are come to catch you you must do what isuru malli is doing. Lipt up sarong until buttocks are smiling at oncoming traffic and run like the wind on a windy day. However prom your ispoken ingilish I can gather that the police hau indeed beaten you senceless until not only your lips swollened but teeth knocked upwards into brain causing brain also to become swollen. But don’t worry. Next time run.

Gossip Aiya hawe newer heard op such thing as “kidnap”. Why do you want to put peep while ismall girl is sleeping? Nondi David’s father, Pandi David got caught doing similar things and now is counting the bars in Welikada Prison. Sin for Nondi David, no wonder he is such an angry man. So Gossip Aiya strongy urges you to stop this kidnappage as you might also end up next to Pandi David in prison cell apter police beating you senseless once more. God knows what will happen to you then, presumably same thing that made Nondi David such an angry person.

In case you don’t heed this grave warning and continue in these dirty habits, please inwest in wine bottle cork, so that cawities can be protected in event of soap droppage in prison showers.

Dishum Dishum
Gossip Aiya